*Thanks to TURKISHPOSTERS!
Traumafessions :: Reader Jillcs on Lady & the Tramp
This is one of those traumas that I can't quite explain, but that horrified me to the very core when I was a kid, and still gives me the shivers. LADY AND THE TRAMP gave me more nightmares than any other film before or since. Most people, when I tell them this, agree that it had its disconcerting moments, but it wasn't the feral dogs or the rat with the red eyes that kept me up at night. It was those damn SIAMESE CATS!
Perhaps it was that I couldn't reconcile the cognitive dissonance of MEAN CATS— cats were supposed to be nice animals! Perhaps, as my brother suggests, I just had a natural aversion to negative Asian stereotypes. Or perhaps the tempo of the song was just unlike anything I had ever heard before and struck me as spooky. All I know is that those teeth and eyes and the opening notes of the song used to send me into full-blown panic. Several of my friends had Disney song compilation records that featured the Siamese Cat Song, and every time it came on, I would flee the room. I still shiver a bit if I hear it, especially if I'm not prepared– I had a job at The Disney Store for a while, and one day someone played that song before we opened, causing me to yelp and jump across the store.
Because of the Siamese Cat Song and MICHAEL JACKSON's Thriller, there was definitely a period of my childhood in which I was terrified of all music. There was also definitely a nightmare involving being trapped in PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE while all the furniture and puppets sang the Siamese Cat Song.
Here is the video for your convenience. I'm sure it will amuse you to know that I had to stop it less than 30 seconds in because it's nearly 2 a.m. and my husband isn't home. Better safe than screaming in my sleep.
UNK SEZ: Unfortunately Jillcs, it looks like we can't embed the English version… but no worries, the German one is even scarier! (The curious cats among you can find the English version HERE).
The Bridge To Terrabithia
I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It's like I just discovered that I'm a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid's head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.
Hey, it's just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?
Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can't take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, "Goodbye cruel world!" as my last words. So if you're keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.
If you've only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it's a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it's a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings "Why can't we be friends?", but it's just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI's mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.
Here is an admission you'll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN'T IT COOL NEWS, later today I'm going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I'm going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I'm going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I'm going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you've seen this movie, you know what I'm talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?
Horror Fans And The Movies That Love Them
Horror fans. Who and what are horror fans? Are they unhinged psychopathic time bombs who get a vicarious thrill witnessing pain being inflicted upon their fellow man? Are they ineffectual nerds who are preoccupied with processing their feelings of powerlessness in the universe by viewing assembly line murders? Are they simply antisocial misfits who misspell the word uncle and live in a make believe castle who waste time writing posts on blogs that sound more and more like rejected SEX AND THE CITY voiceovers? We may never know and I, for one, could give a crap. I'm just writing everything you are reading now to justify my posting of awesome gore shots from my current movie obsession CARL REINER's hilarious send up of not so modern education SUMMER SCHOOL!
That's right SUMMER SCHOOL! If you're asking yourself what the hell is a comedy like SUMMER SCHOOL doing on Kindertrauma well, have fun asking yourself that and let me know how that works out for you. I'm just writing about SUMMER SCHOOL because I love it and I love the characters of Chainsaw and Dave who just happen to be big time horror movie fans and adore THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE specifically. Plus, don't you know that SUMMER SCHOOL (pronounced "Summa Skule") stars SHAWNEE SMITH (1988's THE BLOB), DEAN CAMERON (BAD DREAMS), KELLY JO MINTER (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: THE DREAM CHILD) and features songs from sexy kinder-babe E.G DAILY (BAD DREAMS, ONE DARK NIGHT)? So here's to SUMMER SCHOOL and now lets take a look at those gore shots….
Pretty disgusting, huh? Boy this is a pretty lame post. How can I turn it around? I know, I'll make it a highfalutin list! We all love lists, right? Be they grocery, shit or even HALL & OATES' famous list of the best things in life (Your kiss is on that one!) Let's make a list of horror films that feature horror fans as characters shall we?
SALEM'S LOT: Little LANCE-Y KERWIN liked classic horror movies (The kind in black and white where nobody ever gets a shish kabob shoved down their throat or jumps out of a television to kill you) very much in this STEPHEN KING adaptation. It's a good thing he did too, ‘cuz it ends up saving his ass when he uses a crucifix from one of his horror models to scare away a pesky floating vampire kid!
THE FUNHOUSE: Remember Amy Harper's little brother Joey? (SHAWN CARSON) His bedroom was covered in memorabilia and he was so into horror flicks that he dressed up as a killer and stabbed his sister in the shower with a rubber knife. What a perv!
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER: Tommy Jarvis was a horror fan and spent much of his time creating masks and elaborate special effects that were on par with the work of master TOM SAVINI! Good Job Tommy!
SCREAM: Randy Meeks (JAMIE KENNEDY) watched so many horror movies that when the time came for all his friends to be murdered he believed that actual real life would echo the structure of one of his favorite films and guess what, he was right!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: Creepy Alfred may not have been that into horror cinema at all but he certainly liked to create fake decapitated heads in his spare time. He could also make really great MELISSA SUE ANDERSON masks which if you think about it would really come in handy if you were dressing up as Mary Ingles for Halloween!
THE BLOB: Little Kevin Penny just had to see GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE, "a standard slice and dice" that featured a killer in a hockey mask who killed camp counselors. Somewhere out there adult Kevin Penny is nursing the wounds of having to endure GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE's remake!
FINAL EXAM: Not so final boy Radish (JOEL S. RICE) decorated his dorm room with posters from THE TOOLBOX MURDERS and THE CORPSE GRINDERS, but unfortunately his knowledge of horror did zero to help him survive an identity free slasher on campus.
FADE TO BLACK: Lonely cinemaphile Eric Binford (DENNIS CHRISTOPHER) likes to dress up as his favorite movie icons including DRACULA and THE MUMMY among others when he murders the bullies who torment him. Look out young MICKEY ROURKE! That dude means to kill you!
SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE: Munchkin Ana Torrent becomes so obsessed with JAMES WHALE's FRANKENSTEIN and particularly the scene where the monster accidentally drowns a little girl that it alters her view of reality entirely.
6 FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A REAL FRIEND: Speaking of loosing a grip on reality, teenager Estrella (NEREA INCHASTI) much like Chainsaw and Dave from SUMMER SCHOOL idolizes Leatherface from TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to such a degree that she imagines that the goofball is her B.F.F.! With friends like that, who needs enemies who are still breathing?
FRIGHT NIGHT: Reluctant vampire hunter Charlie Brewster (WILLIAM RAGSDALE) is a horror fan whose favorite show just happens to be hosted by legendary horror star Peter Vincent (RODDY MCDOWALL)
So what says yooze guys? Can you think of any more movies, horror or otherwise, that feature horror fans as characters? Contrary to popular belief, my brain can't come up with everything! Help an Unkle out! Remember, mind over matter!
Traumafessions :: Reader Amy K. on Ironside
When I was small, the opening theme from IRONSIDE never failed to freak me out. Actually, the opening credits were freaky to watch, too:
— Amy, age 39 ½
Traumafessions :: Reader Marchant D. on Showbiz Pizza's Fatz Geronimo
When I was a toddler, my friends and I would often have birthday parties at an outfit called Showbiz Pizza Place. (Eventually they all got converted to Chuck E. Cheeses.) While we really enjoyed the arcade, the crappy little ticket toys, and the greasy pizza, there was also an animatronic musical revue. The majority of characters in this show were endearing. However, there was one character that terrified me. He was a keyboard-playing gorilla named Fatz Geronimo. I would generally cry and hide under the table whenever he appeared. I definitely wasn't alone in that regard. I can't believe the character designers ever thought it was a good idea to make him look like this:
Name That Trauma :: Reader Danny R. on Cartoon Gang Violence
O.K., in grade two, our teacher was a mild sadist. She showed us depressing films and picture books, and apparently got some sick kick out of it. Most I've forgotten, but one I haven't been able to forget. I saw it in 2001, but it was probably from the '70s/'80s
It was a cartoon about these inner city kids. They were all African American. One of the boys was a comedian (I clearly remember one of his jokes being, "Today, I told a man that my shoes were hurting me. He told me that I had them on the wrong feet, and I said, 'These are the only feet that I have'"). The comedian boy had an older brother who was in a gang. There was apparently going to be some sort of big gang fight, and so the comedian boy went to stop it. In the end, he gets shot (possibly by his brother). It ends with all of the characters sad at the boy's funeral.
Something makes me think that it was either a FAT ALBERT cartoon, or that it was animated by the same artists.
Name That Trauma :: Reader Bill L. on a Tied-Up Boy Trapped in a High Tide
This one has been bothering me for years. No one I've ever talked to has ever heard of this movie, which traumatized me as a kid.
I remember seeing this when I was kindergarten, so we're talking the 1970/1971 school year. I think it was in black and white, and I think it was narrated rather than having the actors actually talk.
Anyway, the story involves three kids, an older boy and girl, and a young boy, possibly their brother. The two older kids get separated from the brother, who is then grabbed by two older boys dressed as Indians. They take him to the beach and tie him to a pole and run off. The tide starts to come in and the water rises higher and higher. The boy looks to be in danger of drowning, but finally the older kids and their grandfather (I think) rescue him.
Like I said, it's been nearly 40 years since I've seen this, but it still sticks with me. I have no idea who thought it would be appropriate to show this to a bunch of 5-year-olds. Anyone can back me up on this, and confirm this is not some hallucination on my part would have my gratitude.
AUNT JOHN SEZ: It's time to put on your thinking caps dear readers. Does anyone know what Bill is talking about? Sound off in the comments or shoot us an email.