kindertrauma

Name That Trauma :: The Vicar of VHS's Co-Worker on a Leprous Lady

Posted on By aunt john

One of my co-workers has a Traumatic memory he can't place, and has promised me tee-shirts if I can figure out what it is. Help me, you Traumatized legions!

Here are his clues:

Scene 1: An Asian-looking guy is stuck in a closet or something and he can look into the room and there is a woman laying on a cot and her skin looks like she has leprosy or something. He's locked in there and there are two people trying to dig through the wall to get him out. The leper woman wakes up and comes to the door and knows he's in there, so the guy flips out and starts beating his way through the wall with his mag light. He gets through and they cover the hole.

Scene 2: The same girl with the leper skin is reaching into a glowing mirror or doorway and is pulling some kind of demon or monster into our world, dimension, or whatever. There is another girl in the room and she heroically charges the leper chick and knocks her into the portal and falls in with her. At the same instant some dude throws something on the portal and it closes. I remember the chick reaching out to get saved and that always creeped me out. The dimension where the demon/monster was like water…if that makes any sense…like the chick was floating down into water reaching out.

Not much to go on, I know, but if it were easy everyone would do it. That first clue had me thinking THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, but nothing else in it fits and my co-worker knows T.P.U.S. and swears that's not it. Hope you guys can solve this mystery, or else I'll have to do laundry.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Since the holidays are the times that we should be doing things for others, let's put on our helper hats and see if we can spare the VICAR OF VHS the indignity of doing laundry and into a free t-shirt. If anyone knows what this one is, please sound off in the comments or shoot us an e-mail.

UPDATE: It took reader EegahInc all of two minutes to recognize this one as JOHN CARPENTER's classic PRINCE OF DARKNESS!!

Kinder-News :: 'Tis the Season for Santaphobia

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You can't blame kids for loving old Saint Nick, for every year he brings them toys on Christmas Eve and then splits without requiring any sort of face time. Sounds like the perfect relationship to me, so how come parents have to ruin this perfect symbiotic alliance by shoving their toddlers on his lap and taking pictures?

Thankfully my parents never pimped me out in such a fashion. Contrary to popular belief, being forced to sit on an old, fat, gray-bearded stranger's lap for a photo shoot is not my idea of a good time. Obviously many children agree with me because 4 out of 5 Christmas snapshots involve Munchian howls of disapproval by the child involved.

There's even a BOOK out right now celebrating this sadistic ritual abuse. Which means for less than whatever it would cost you to see whatever crappy holiday movie is in the theaters right now, you can ogle at the anguish of confused terror stricken kiddies. How Kindertraumatic!

Note: For even more Satan Santa-induced horror look HERE and HERE.

The Dark (2005)

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I kind of enjoy this quiet brooder that many seem to despise. I can't disagree that it's far too familiar and that nobody needs another "Where's My Kid At?/ Not Without My Undead Daughter!" flick. Maybe I'm just a sucker for its Isle of Mann pretending to be a Welsh seaside location. Then again I've always had a thing for hometown heroine MARIA BELLO who, if she donned a fake mustache, I'd marry tomorrow (sorry A.J.!) I admit that THE DARK may not reinvent the wheel-o, but the cinematography is borderline gorgeous and even though it has maybe five too many endings, it's got a passionate core that's enviable.

BELLO plays Adelle, an emotionally distant mother who carts her young daughter Sarah (SOPHIE STUCKEY) off to the isolated shabby chic home of her estranged ex (SEAN BEAN). Nightmares of losing her daughter become prophetic as the little girl ends up being whisked away by the crashing sea. In actuality, she is trapped in a mythical Welsh underworld known as "Annwn." Soon after a girl similar in age as the missing daughter appears and it becomes evident that a trade of some sort has been made. Unfortunately, folks who return from Annwyn are worse for the wear and tend to have a highly toxic effect on livestock and a general schleprockian disposition.

Following the requisite searching of the local library's microfilm collection, Adelle decides the only way to get back her real daughter is to force a trade back by chucking the new kid off a cliff. (Personally I would have kept the depressing Wednesday Addams chick and let my iPod wearing mouthy brat to her new home.)

I doubt THE DARK could rock anybody's world, but it's a perfect time-waster on a winter night. I rather enjoyed learning about the refreshingly low key limbo like dimension "Annwyn" to boot. The whole affair is more spooky than scary, but MAURICE ROEVES is perfect as the salt of the Earth handyman Dafydd and flash back scenes of homemade lobotomies are actually kind of cringe worthy. Extra kudos are earned by showcasing a suicide cult learning the hard way that the first step off a cliff is a real doozy.

More than anything though, this movie has the world's most profound, yet borderline hilarious pie-in-the-face door slamming scene I think I have ever witnessed, That's gotta count for something!

The Year Without a Santa Claus

Posted on By kinderpal mickster

Hey kids! Unkle Lancifer here and boy have I got a treat for you, it's an early Christmas present from Kindertrauma legend Mickster! Our dear pal was kind enough to send us her views on one of our all time favorite Christmas specials, THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS. Is there any greater holiday gift than having a friend who is as cool as Mickster? Not in my book! Take it away Mickster….

The title alone of this 1974 RANKIN/BASS classic sparked terror in the hearts of children. Like all RANKIN/BASS stop-motion specials, it features the voices of stars from the past. SHIRLEY BOOTH (TV's HAZEL) voices Mrs. Claus and MICKEY ROONEY (ANDY HARDY Movies) once again voices Santa Claus. The special begins with Santa, who has a terrible cold, being advised by his doctor, who acts suspiciously like Ebenezer Scrooge, to stay home this Christmas. Santa proceeds to call the elves to "cancel" Christmas. Okay, how many Christmas specials over the years have frightened children by claiming that Christmas could be canceled? Of course, as adults we know this is ridiculous, but as a child, it is a traumatizing idea.

Sparked by an idea from Mrs. Claus, who does an awesome dance number in drag, those super intelligent elves Jingle and Jangle set out to find people that still believe in Santa. Jingle and Jangle bring Vixen along with them. All three end up in South Town and begin their search. The genius elves pretend that Vixen, who is suffering in the Southern heat, is a dog and she is thrown in the pound. Jingle and Jangle question a group of children to see if they believe in Santa, which they don't. They do, however, meet one nice kid named Ignatius "Iggy" Thistlewhite. In the meantime, Santa finds out that Jingle, Jangle, and Vixen have traveled into the "cruel world." Santa races to bring them back and meets Iggy. Iggy is promptly put in his place on the subject of Santa through a wonderfully sad song sung by Santa (in disguise as Mr. Klaus) called, "I Believe in Santa Claus."

Excuse me, I have to wipe the tears from my eyes just thinking about this song. Mrs. Claus comes to get Jingle, Jangle, and Iggy. They all travel to see Snow Miser. Mrs. Claus requests that the Snow Miser let it snow in South Town, USA. What follows is probably the best remembered sequence in the special.

As a child, I found characters of Snow Miser and Heat Miser frightening. I think it was because they were so much larger than Mrs. Claus and the fact that they had creepy miniatures following them around. At the same time, Santa retrieves Vixen and returns to the North Pole. He receives a special letter from a little girl (singing "Blue Christmas") that changes his mind about Christmas.

Sorry, I have use some more tissues as this song makes me weepy too. Let's stop for a commercial break. Take it away Mother Nature!

With the intervention of Mother Nature, Heat Miser allows snow in South Town. All is well again as Santa goes out on his yearly trip. This special premiered in 1974 and I am sure I watched it then, but I was too young to be traumatized. However, I remember specifically being traumatized by it two years later in 1976. I was so upset at one point that I left the room crying. I was convinced that Santa was not coming. My mom had to bring me back to the living room to finish watching.

  • "I could be Santa Claus"
  • Iggy feels the guilt of not believing
  • "The Snow Miser Song"
  • "The Heat Miser Song"
  • Don't mess with Mother Nature!
  • "Here comes Santa Claus!"

Traumafessions :: Reader Bigwig on Operation

Posted on By aunt john

My sister and I were part of a "board game" family. Many an after-school evening or a Saturday was spent playing the whole gamut, anything from Ker-plunk, to Don't Spill the Beans;  Uncle Wiggly, to Parcheesi. We had ‘em all, and it was all good fun.

That is, until the dreaded "Operation" game found its way out of the closet and onto the kitchen table.

I'd like to revisit this "Classic", which showed up one Christmas, although it was most certainly nothing Santa was asked for by means of a list.

From the illustrations on the box and game board alone, you just know something is horribly, horribly wrong.

The premise is you, the "Wacky Doctor" (that is to say, you, granted  the temporary license for a first-grader to perform surgery),and your friends take turns trying to remove problematic organs from all over the bloated, naked body of an irritated looking man with a CRISPIN GLOVER-inspired haircut. The man is all pale and fleshy. The organs and such are white like bones. The openings in his body where they reside are, of course, blood red.

Oh, it's supposed to be amusing enough…he has an Adam's Apple shaped like a little plastic apple, a Funny Bone, and a Charlie "Horse". But here's the rub…touch the metal sides (exposed nerves I would wager) with your metal tweezers when performing an extraction, and what do you get? A loud, God-awful buzzer noise and his nose lights up bright red! Based on the "wackiness" factor of the doctors on the lid of the box, and the fact that the uninsured man is clearly conscious through these harrowing procedures in spite of there being some kind of gas tank pictured, it's pretty evident that he is going through a living nightmare much the same as TIM ROBBINS in JACOB'S LADDER, and you are playing the role of one of his demonic tormentors. I can only guess he was "gassed" just long enough to get his corpulent form up on the table, and carved open. Where did he come from? My guess is he was a homeless "Joe Everyman" found on the streets, probably offered a free lunch in exchange for some volunteer work.  The fun ensues when he wakes.

The lid artwork also sports such tools to be used as a bone saw, an oil can, and a blow torch! One doctor is smoking a cigarette as he operates, with the ashes falling in the man's face. The other doctor is wearing no pants. Wacky, indeed!  I'm sure it was only the technological restrictions of the 70's that kept the buzzer noise, jolting as it was, from being what it was intended to be: a long gut-wrenching scream of pain and terror sound clip.

Yet the wackiness continues, in spite of the poor fat man's objections, and gleefully another inept surgeon gets to take a crack at these procedures.

Look at the board again. Clearly, the patient is looking down at all the openings that have been hastily been carved into him, and he's none too happy about it. Even if he has been numbed, open-heart surgery (removal, actually) is just one of the gruesome extractions to take place while he is helpless to do anything but watch. His fate will take one of two paths, that of continued unsuccessful extractions and mind-blistering pain until the young "doctors" lose interest, or being dumped in a bathtub full of ice water, without ribs or kidneys, and a note telling him to call 911, if he wakes from the shock.

This is what echoed through my mind, when I was slated for a tonsillectomy at age six. All the assurance in the world going to sleep and waking up with a big bowl of ice cream did little to quell the fears of an "Operation."

Name That Trauma :: Reader Griffin on a Virtual Lion Attack

Posted on By aunt john

Hey, I got a good Name That Trauma question for you.

I remember seeing ages ago something on television in the early ‘90s that might've been a movie, a made-for-T.V. movie or an episode of some T.V. show.

I'm guessing whatever it was, it was from the early '90s as well.

Anyway all I remember is a man and woman, presumably a couple enter some sort of room that's an African Savannah (I'm guessing it was probably a virtual reality room or something) and a lion starts heading towards them to eat them, but then they find that they can't open the door to escape!

That's it, I remember it being cheesy, but for some reason the idea of both a man and a woman being eaten by a lion was quite disturbing to me.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: I'm not lion lying when I say I have no clue. Does anyone out there know this one? Feel free to leave your guesses in the comments or email them to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.

STATUS: This one has yet to be confirmed but one thing that folks agree on is that RAY BRADBURY is most likely responsible for Griffin's trauma! (see comments section for more.)

Snowbound Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I love horror movies that utilize a wintry, snowy environment. I'm a sucker for them. They just instantly put me in the proper mood for scares and they are tailor made for watching from under a blanket. Even a horrible movie like DREAMCATCHER is highly watchable to me based on this phenomenon. I've gathered a bunch of snow-scare movies here for you folks to peruse. They are not in any order unless you count the fact that the DVDs that were closest to my computer came first. Maybe you can get some ideas for winter watching from this collection. I'd pretty much recommend almost all of them. (Even DREAMCATCHER, which although indisputably wretched is also indisputably hilarious) . Do you have any favorites that I have forgotten? Let me know in the comments section! I'm always looking for another snow movie to chill to!


GINGERSNAPS: THE BEGINNING (2004)
Not the best of the series, but still stunning.


MISERY (1990)
A needs-no-introduction classic.


DEAD ZONE (1983)
CRONENBERG knows cold.


WIND CHILL (2007)
Underrated haunter; part road movie, part ghost story. EMILY BLUNT's frigid character turns down the thermostat even further.


WHISPER (2007)
Runs icy rings around the OMEN remake.


DREAMCATCHER (2003)
Ludicrous and overblown, but the animal exodus scene is beautiful to behold.


WENDIGO (2001)
Low-budget thriller saved by atmosphere and interesting performances.


BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)
I'm sorry DREAMCATCHER, maybe you aren't the worst in this grouping!


THE SHINING (1980)
Hey look, I didn't use a picture of the hotel OR the maze!


SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
Grandpa is my hero in life.


GHOST STORY (1981)
Talk about atmosphere. It may have failed the brilliant novel, but the visual tone is spot on.


DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974)
I'd rather take a bath with a piranha then give up my copy of this Kindertauma favorite.


THE BOOGENS (1981)
Why is this not high on the remake to-do list? I want a BOOGENS upgrade!


CURTAINS (1983)
Includes one of the best slasher death scenes EVER.


THE THING (1982)
A yet to be dethroned ultimate snowbound terror masterpiece.


CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)
I think I can blame this film alone for being the catalyst of my snowbound horror obsession. The climax is simply gorgeous.


BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Here is the real deal classic! This movie is so frosty I need to get another hit of hooch!


THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (2002)
I know I'm a freak, but I totally believe in Sir Moths-a-lot.


SUSPENDED ANIMATION (2001)
From the director of LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH, if you ask me, he's still got it!


DEAD OF WINTER (1986)
A snowy little salute to HITCHCOCK, perfect for a late night watch.


SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
Two words,… MARY WORONOV


SHREDDER (2003)
O.K. this is a REAL tribute to the '80s slashers, and it's done right.


RAVENOUS (1999)
An inevitable cult classic.


THE DARK HOURS (2005)
I couldn't recommend this movie more. It's so good! My goal in life is to bring it to the stage!


JACK FROST (1996)
It's kind of cheating using Christmas movies, but this one is too bizarre to pass up.


SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
Speaking of holiday horror, nobody is allowed into Kindertrauma Castle during the season without being forced to watch the OPENING SCENE to this must-have horror comedy!


30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007)
Say what you like. Vampires? Check. Snow? Check. Lancifer in happy place? Double check!!


GREMLINS(1984)
Is any round up on Kindertrauma complete without GREMLINS? The answer is "no." Hey look, you can see Dorry's tavern!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST: SNOW BEAST (1977)
Aunt John would have my head if I didn't mention his favorite all time television movie!

For more seasonal fun, be sure to check out:

Name That Trauma :: Reader Chad on a Creepy Kids Show

Posted on By aunt john

So I have this memory of a really creepy kids series in the '80s. I don't remember much other than it creeped me out. I want to say that it aired in a block of shows with one of the other shows about kids being lost in a labyrinth through time. Maybe it was on a very early version of Nickelodeon. The series I'm thinking about centered on a couple of kids who lived near an ocean or large lake. There were strange sea creatures in the lake. For some reason I picture a lair the monsters lived in that the kids infiltrated. To escape capture I want to say they slid through a slide-like tunnel that the monsters used to get around the town. I don't think that the series was made in America. It was either Canadian, English, Australian or New Zealand. It's been driving me crazy to remember what this series was and if it is available anywhere. Sound familiar?

UNK SEZ: Chad, you're not thinking of SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS are you? Well, if that's not it then I don't know what it could be. Does this show sound familiar to anybody else out there? Let us (and Chad) know!

UPDATE: It looks like commenter seedymckenzie has found the movie! It's called UNDER THE MOUNTAIN (1982) and its from New Zealand. Good going speedy! (Please see the comments for Chad's confirmation). To be honest, it looks much, much, more traumatizing than SIGMUND!!