Kinder-Factory :: Aunt John's Holiday Horror Sweater Hoedown
AUNTIE: As most of you probably don't know, when I am not copy editing TRAUMAFESSIONS and tweaking the behind-the-scenes HTML at Kindertrauma, I am the imaginary C.E.O. and lead fashion designer for Kinder-Factory. I founded Kinder-Factory to fill the void encountered by horror fans like myself who love a good beheading just as much as the Bedazzler. Won't you please join me in my passion for rhinestone-enhanced knitwear with a peek at my signature line of beautifully embellished holiday sweaters?
The Captain Ho-Ho-Ho Howdy
If you have piano gathering hosted by a headstrong actress with a troubled teen daughter on your holiday party itinerary, then this is the sweater for you! Treated with ScotchgardTM, this snuggly pullover repels both eggnog and projectile vomit stains.
Amityville Axe-Mas Dreams
There's no mocking the photorealism of this mock turtleneck. The rhinestone-encrusted flies flanking the arms bring a real sense of whimsy to the infamous shotgun murder scene. The neon thread in the lawn is actually made from industrial strength elastic, so you won't need feel like Jody the Pig when you help yourself to seconds, thirds, and fourths at the office holiday party.
Christmas at Crystal Lake
Whether you're celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, or avenging the drowning death of your son by methodically murdering teens about to engage in pre-marital sex, this virgin wool number will keep you nice and toasty.
Trilogy of Terrifying Sweater Vests
Due to a miscommunication with my sweatshop foreman, this one was produced in three different styles. I recommended layering all three for the ultimate KAREN BLACK-Christmas look!
The Jamie Lee Cardigan
The holidays are the perfect time for wearing your family dysfunction not only on your sleeve, but also all over your torso. Crushed satin corduroy frames this familial tale of unrequited sibling love.
All Dogs Go to Hell
Animal lovers will love it when you show up Christmas caroling with CUJO embroidered on your chest. Should they release the hounds on you, the patented chainmail yarn used in the arms will protect you from nastiest of nippers!
The Seasonally Slim Goodbody
Just because you've packed on twenty-five pounds since Black Friday from holiday-induced anger eating, your friends and family will be none the wiser. They will be too fixated on the intricately crafted internal organs to notice you chugging directly from the gravy boat. (Nude leggings sold separately).
Sister Sister!
Show that whiny bitch sister of yours that under no certain terms are you not above taking out your hoop earrings and showing her the back your hand if she gets a little mouthy while passing the mash potatoes.
The Overlook Outer Coat
Although most of my sweaters start in the Triple XXX sizes, I realized I could make a mint by catering to the sweater needs of psychically gifted children of deranged innkeepers. This little number is perfect for the little one on your list who is destined to spend Christmas day running in terror from a possessed parent through a snow-covered hedge maze.
The Carrie White Christmas Sweater Dress
Why dream of a white Christmas when you can have a Carrie White Christmas? Belted at the waist, this flame and pigs' blood retardant tunic will make you the toast of the girls' locker room. Even the most zealous of mothers will approve of the demure, below-the-knee hemline.
Traum-mercial Break :: Baby Laugh-a-Lot
Which is Creepier: Her maniacal laughter or this ominous overdub?
[Spied on Carrie White Burns in Hell].
Lonely Water
The 1973 U.K. public information film entitled "Lonely Water" should be of particular interest to horror fans. First of all, it's scary as hell and features a robed figure that introduces himself as, "The spirit of dark and lonely water." The spirit then explains how he spends his day drowning any child he can get his hands on. It's all filmed as starkly and as coldly as possible, and the spirit's voice is haunting and familiar. That's because it is delivered by a pre-HALLOWEEN DONALD PLEASANCE. I don't have to tell you that Mr. P. has a way with a line that can turn a mere whisper into a spine chilling epitaph that you can't shake. His promise of, "I'll be back!" has effectively scared a generation. Check out this classic traumatizer below and then reward yourself for your bravery with its more modern drum and bass incarnation.
Apaches
Ages ago, kinderpal Grokenstein mentioned a public information film from the U.K. entitled APACHES in our comments section. I wrote the title down on a post-it and stuck it on my computer where it has stared me in the face for months. I finally got around to catching the 26-minute-long 1977 film today and let me tell you, Grokenstein was not exaggerating about how disturbing it is. In fact, I found myself flinching more than once. The story concerns six children who play cowboys and Indians on a rural farm in England. One by one their reckless behavior causes them to die painful deaths until only one remains. It's sort of like a precursor to FINAL DESTINATION, starring kids. Directed by JOHN MACKENZIE (THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY), APACHES shows just enough to horrify (and work as a stern warning) and lets your imagination do the rest. All I know is that I just scrapped all my plans to retire to the countryside in my old age. After APACHES, I'll take my chances in the far less dangerous city!
Note: Watch APACHES! Here are parts ONE, TWO and THREE!
Traumafessions :: Reader Rich N. on Superman & the Molemen
The multi-part episode featuring the "mole men" scared the whatever out of me. For weeks, months, years, I was scared to look out a window for fear those creepy things were infiltrating.
UNK SEZ: Thanks Rich! That two-part episode titled "The Unknown People" was in fact once a 58-minute-long theatrical feature entitled SUPERMAN AND THE MOLE MEN. No matter the title, in any form, those pesky little mole men are indeed creepy! You can reacquaint yourself with the little buggers HERE.
Amityville II: The Possession
AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION is not only the crowning jewel of its franchise, but it is also, in my opinion, one of the best possession films out there. Due to its numerical title one might be tempted to read this prequel as an empty cash-in on its predecessor and scan right over its singular vitality. Closer inspection shows a film that is, for the most part, unabashedly willing to glare at the dark corners of family dysfunction and the role organized religion plays in how we perceive ourselves and our actions.
Which is not to say that its wild, melodramatic strokes are not laughable at times. (Writer TOMMY LEE WALLACE also penned the borderline campy HALLOWEEN 3 and FAR FROM HOME). Still, all of the actors assembled do an above average job even as the film's humorlessness reaches unintentionally hilarious boiling points. Although based on very real incidents, AMITYVILLE 2 draws outside the lines frequently and proudly and its presentation of believable police procedure is virtually nonexistent. That said, as a tale of horror, unlike most American productions, it has a single mindedness that is potent and persuasive.
Whereas the ultimate possession film THE EXORCIST mined adolescent female sexuality for its mettle, AMITYVILLE 2 takes on that of the poised-toward-adulthood male. Sonny Montelli (JACK MAGNER), who is destined to destroy his entire family with a shotgun, ostensibly succumbs to the demons that reside within this legendary address. The truth is, as supernatural and Satanic as the Amityville presence may be, with the Montelli family half of the work is already done upon their arrival; the ingredients are all there, just add holy water.
The preexisting demons in Sonny's life are the anguish of being in the limbo between child and adult, and the guilt and fear associated with his sexual feelings, particularly those toward his adoring sister Patricia (DIANE FRANKLIN). Framed within the family's constant tug of war between passive faith and aggressive control, as represented by bickering parents RUTANYA ALDA and BURT YOUNG, Sonny's slide into madness is a short trip. Notably much of Sonny's early "demonic" behavior coincides with his standing up to his bullish and physically abusive father. Even the comparatively innocent youngest siblings seem marked for darkness, little sister Jan's (ERIKA KATZ) idea of a lark is pretending to suffocate little brother Mark (BRENT KATZ) with a plastic bag!
The fact that Sonny and his sister actually do eventually commit incest adds yet another layer of creepiness. Patricia's shame attracts the attention of a priest when she admits to the incident during confession. She leaves out the fact that the act involved her brother, but reveals that the inspiration for it was Sonny's attempt to, "hurt God." Father Adamsky's (JAMES OLSEN) subsequent impotency in aiding the Montellis, particularly Patricia, adds to the persistent cloud of hopelessness that lingers throughout. Adamsky's guilt is tangible. A phone call from Patricia begging for aid just before her death is put on hold in favor of a ski outing with a close male friend.
Released in 1982, AMITYVILLE 2 fits in snugly with other body horror films popular at the time. When Sonny is ultimately taken over by the evil, it is staged as a P.O.V. rape with the camera lens standing in as predator. His later inability to control what is within is shown by bubbling and retracting skin and veins. At one point he seems about to sprout a secondary head. The voice that taunts and tempts him to demolish his family, to "Kill the pigs!," once consigned to his Walkman earphones is now residing inside his skull.
Even non-fans of this movie have to admit that the staging of the brutal slayings is effectively upsetting. Imagine a home invasion scenario where the perpetrator is hidden within someone who sleeps under your roof. Italian director DAMIANO DAMIANI uses just about every camera trick conceivable to kick the legs out from under the audience, and the use of color and especially shadow is exquisite.
Even as the frustratingly feeble Patricia, DIANE FRANKLIN is virtually impossible not to have sympathy for, and her final moments, when face to face with the now monstrous Sonny, are painful and even a bit heartbreaking. As much as I appreciate the film as a whole, I have to admit that a lot of what makes it so compelling departs with FRANKLIN.
AMITYVILLE 2's finale does closely follow the lead of THE EXORCIST, but due to its earlier originality, I think it is nit-picky to fault it for eventually playing this card. The final confrontation between Sonny and Father Adamsky is, if not entirely original, at least garnished with some pretty impressive transformation effects. Thankfully, we are also granted one last moment with FRANKLIN, as the demon in temptress form, as she accuses Adamsky of his own repressed lust. (Apparently the producers pushed this more standard ending and another one was intended involving the lost souls within the house making an extended appearance. Stills do exist of this alternate take and are available on the U.K. special edition DVD).
A film like AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION has its work cut out for it as far as being viewed impartially. It's a sequel, a prequel, and a bastardization of actual events. Its subject matter is unpleasant and its tone is repellent and grim. If AMITYVILLE 2 came up to your home unannounced and rang your doorbell, I wouldn't blame you for turning off your lights and hiding behind the couch.
As for me, I have to give props to a movie that avoids heroics and false sentiment and dives head first into the pit. Where other possession films are more likely to showcase pure, innocent victims that require heavy pushing into the dark-side, AMITYVILLE 2 suggests the more frightening concept that some people just need a little nudge.
NOTE: You can watch AMITYVILLE 2: THE POSSESSION for free HERE
Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster
The very first film I can recall seeing in an actual movie theater was GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER. I can't claim to have ever become a huge die hard Godzilla buff, but my love of this particular adventure of this continues to this day. Growing up, Godzilla was a Saturday afternoon staple in my home, yet although I readily admit to having a certain fondness for the tiny fairies that summoned sometime collaborator, sometime foe MOTHRA, most of his movies seem to blur together in my mind. Not so with SMOG MONSTER, a.k.a. GODZILLA VS HEDORA, a movie that stands out like a pulsating purple sore thumb. In fact, Godzilla producer TOMOYUKI TANAKA was so flabbergasted by the film that he disowned it and even claimed that it ruined the franchise.
One might assume that my affection for SMOG is based simply on blind nostalgia or a need to be contrary since it's widely perceived to be the King of Monster's red-headed step child. The truth is, it's just a great movie. Filled with gloriously grim imagery, crazy psychedelic tuneage and bizarre animated inserts, SMOG holds up better than should be expected, and its environmental message is, of course, even more timely today.
As a monster, HEDORA/SMOG is quite a specimen. The creature, speculated to have come from space via meteor, begins life as a crazy tadpole that consumes water pollution and grows to an enormous size. Soon it's large enough to knock over oil tankers and eventually take to land. Once land mobile, it jumps at the chance to take long bong hits from toxic smoke stacks that empower it even further. Eventually the slimy glutton is capable of flight and shooting mud pies from his grey, goopy torso.
The aerial attack scenes are what struck me the most as a child. Shaped like a giant horseshoe crab HEDORA is shown flying over schools while children below in the playground drop like flies. Many of the monsters victims are memorably left as mere skeletons after exposure. The most disturbing image perhaps is shown during a television news broadcast of an infant crying, neck deep in sewage and mud. (O.K, I'm lying here, The most disturbing image SHOULD be the one of the infant drowning in filth but for me it's actually the image of a poor confused Alley cat covered in mud howling at the camera!…What's wrong with me?)
I guess there may be something undeniably silly about a film that climaxes with two men in rubber suits wrestling on a miniature train set, but the eco-disaster that frames the action is notably ahead of its time. Long time GODZILLA fans may call foul when it's revealed that the big guy has been keeping them in the dark about his ability to fly over the years (he propels himself with his atomic breath), but I get a kick out of this reveal every time. Regardless of its initial reception, nobody could argue that the film's heart is in the right place. For me, the one two punch of dismal disaster and goofy broad slapstick is pretty irresistible.
As much as I love HEDORA/THE SMOG MONSTER in all of his guises, and as much as I am still riveted by a scene in which a character inexplicably hallucinates that everyone in a disco has turned into fish-faced ghouls, my favorite thing about this movie is its marvelous opening song. Taking a cue from JAMES BOND, a beautiful woman is shown singing before a screen of pulsating hues as clips of pollution and decay flash by. The song, "Save the Earth" (in the American version) is just about the greatest thing ever, and it's sure to be running around in your brain for days after you hear it.
If I could go back in time and pick what movie should be the first that I ever saw in a movie theater, I don't think I could do much better than this one. Balk if you like, but GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER is a trippy, gonzo free-for-all that had me instantly falling head over heels in love with the film going experience.
Traumafessions :: Reader PseudoFox on My Stepmother is an Alien
To this day memories of this movie still cause me to turn on all the lights in the house and shut all the doors that aren't being used. It was MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN, made in 1988, and I didn't have the horrible luck of seeing it until 1991, when I was 5. The movie is charming enough… an alien is sent to space on a mission and she takes the form of a babelicious woman (the actress KIM BASINGER) who marries some nerdy guy (played by DAN AYKROYD) whom already has a daughter. I honestly don't remember too much of the plot, the only thing I can remember about the movie is the object of terror… Bag.
The character's name was Bag, or The Bag… and it was an alien cohort of KIM BASINGER's that lived in her handbag. I remember it was funny when she started talking to her bag, I actually remember some parts of the movie being hilarious (when I was a child) until I saw what Bag really looked like.
Bag is, essentially, a skin tube with an eyeball stuck at the end… like a stalk, almost. I remember its tube being wrinkly and a brown color and that horrible giant eye. That's all it was… and it spoke. Bag didn't actually bother me too much when I first saw it. I was scared but I wasn't terrified to the point of tears until I realized how much of a bad alien Bag was. At one point in the movie Bag got angry and slammed the doors of the house the stepdaughter was in, closed the blinds, and stuck her to the ceiling by levitation or something. She was crying and sobbing and obviously terrified.
The worst part of the movie was when Bag went insane in the end. I think there was a storm… something involving electricity. I think Bag got struck by it in the end, but the crazy shit that was going on before hand was so frightening to me that I was sobbing in terror. I suffered nightmares about Bag for quite some time after seeing that movie.