Traumafession By Proxy :: Mickster on Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue
UNK SEZ: Our pal Mickster left this in the comments section of the last post, but I think it's front page material and I wanted to make sure that nobody missed it:
What about the use of numerous wonderful cartoon characters in 1990's Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue? My niece and nephew viewed this several times when they were little. I'm surprised that no one has had a traumafession related to this cartoon. Read about it HERE
Traumafessions :: Reader Jen on Welcome to Pooh Corner
WELCOME TO POOH CORNER. You know, the Winnie-the-Pooh live action people-in-suits show? They had this government sponsored special called "Say No to Strangers," which I would rent from our local video store time and time again, because I was horror struck…oh yes, it's on YouTube.
Born Innocent
After 14-year-old Chris Parker (LINDA BLAIR) runs away from home just one too many times, her parents decide to teach her, and in essence everyone who has ever sat through BORN INNOCENT, some valuable life lessons by making her a ward of the courts. Young Chris is processed by the justice system, and dispatched to a juvenile detention center where she is promptly cavity searched, deloused, and initiated into the hard-knock life of a girls' home where plenty of sexually unambiguous girls with feathered haired abound. Make no mistake though, THE FACTS OF LIFE this isn't.
Chris draws attention to herself in class by impressing the home's lone schoolteacher a.k.a. "Mom" (JOANNA MILES) with her geography prowess, and shortly thereafter ends up on the business end of a plunger handle while four tough girls hold her down in the shower. Since there's nothing like a little forced sodomy with a plunger handle to send a person's normally sunny disposition down the toilet, our tragic heroine spends the rest of the film in a downward spiral.
She returns home for a weekend visit, only to runaway again from her abusive dick Dad, and is carted back to juvie where she ends up in solitary confinement for inciting a food fight to protect her pregnant friend. The pregnant one happened to be involved in the shower rape, but this seems to be lost on both Chris and the script supervisor. After the pregnant one miscarries, Chris becomes even more bitter and eventually incites a full-scale riot after the school's house mother Mrs. Lasko (ALLYN ANN McLERIE) refuses to give her shampoo. There's an inquest into the riot, and Chris straight up lies about her involvement. The movie anticlimactically ends with Chris stomping off across the schoolyard, arm-in-arm with the other delinquents, just another child left behind by a failed rehabilitation system.
Released as made-for-T.V. movie of the week in 1974, BORN INNOCENT garnered high ratings and its shocking shower scene was cited for inspiring a real-life act of forced sodomy with a soda bottle by a group of underage girls. A subsequent legal battle based on this copy-cat crime led to the establishment of the Family Viewing Hour, and the shower scene was cut from all re-broadcasts.
Perhaps equally as criminal is the oversight of BLAIR's lightening rod performance by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. Not only did she not receive an EMMY for her work, she wasn't even nominated. In the hands of a lesser contemporary, say HELEN HUNT (There, I said it. I never cared for her poor-man's JODIE FOSTER schtick and her big forehead), BORN INNOCENT would have just been a Primetime After-School Special. Whether she's carving her initials in her forearm with a heated bobby pin or slapping a schoolmarm upside the head, BLAIR lends a natural believability to the unfortunate proceedings. You really want her to escape this hell hole, and when she doesn't, you can't really fault her for becoming a charter member of the old-school bad girl's club.
Traumafessions :: Reader Joey on Scary Coaster Toaster
I remember an animated short that was shown on an episode of THE GREAT SPACE COASTER back in the early '80s. It started off showing the history of fire or something like that. Now it's the present day and we see an older couple getting ready for dinner. I think the wife is having problems with the oven and the husband's getting frustrated with the toaster not working and jams a fork in it. Fire pops out of the oven with an evil face at the wife. More living fire comes out and engulfs the whole apartment building and then move on to the neighboring buildings and homes. Eventually they set the Earth ablaze and then jump to the other planets. I remember the end narration stating that the gods were angry and that they would give fire to woman instead of man next time.
I would see this short again no long after on late night pay-T.V. in between movies. I was either 9 or 10 at the time so that really screwed with my head.
Anyone else ever seen this?
Note: Toaster image swiped from HERE.
Kinder-News :: The Votes Are In!!!
As you may recall, in the not so distant past, we urged our readership to vote on the highly controversial PROPOSITION MARY JANE. The land of Kindertrauma is nothing if not Democratic, and it is an honor to bestow such freedoms upon the masses. In this particular vote you had the expansive choice of deciding YEA or NAY on the fate of one Mary Jane candy. It's no secret that I, your honorary Unkle, was pushing for the demise of said candy, but the people have spoken and as promised I will now concede.
It may alarm you to know that Mary Jane candies did in fact loose by a vote of 7 to 8, but I, in my infinite wisdom, spent the long night wondering why my victory felt so hollow. The answer lied in the snoring, bespectacled cherub face of Aunt John. Aunt John voted against Mary Jane only under extreme coercion and the threat of severe bodily harm. The fact is they have not made a candy that he will not eat, and that includes the heinous Mary Jane.
And being one of the fairest people who ever lived, not only of complexion and cascading ginger locks, but of character as well, I changed his vote to YEA making the end result a tie. Please don't cheer and throw confetti, I am just a man. (A man chosen by God to spread joy across the world with his spot-on karaoke interpretation of the MEN WITHOUT HATS song "Pop Goes the World," but a man just the same.)
The fact is that this past Halloween I was reminded of an even more horrific threat. A threat that is not even a candy; a threat in a small red box that goes by the hoity-toity name of SUN-MAID RAISINS. Now I ask you, who in their right mind would hand out raisins on Halloween? A mad person I decree! Let's make next Halloween raisin free. That non-treat with its so-called vitamins and nutrients is one thing that even Aunt John could say NAY to!
In closing, Mary Jane you are spared. Weird Sun-Maid girl with the dated hat and the creepy smile, your days are numbered!
P.S.: To all you folks who voted in this or any other recent voting type thingy…give yourselves a big pat on the back; no matter the outcome, you are now a part of history!
P.S.S.: If you've recently voted for a candy or person who found victory, don't be afraid to jump up and down a little.
NOTE: Special thanks to Auntie J for this groovy Mary Jane statue!!!
Kiss Daddy Goodbye
This telekinetic killer munchkin flick is not like anything you've ever witnessed. You know your old Unk not only has a high tolerance for lameness, but also a masochistic sweet tooth for it, right? Well, I may have finally met my match. Here is a movie that had me waxing nostalgic for the brilliant acting in CATHY'S CURSE and the technical achievement of THE CHILDREN. Watching KISS DADDY GOODBYE is sort of like watching your clothes twirl around in a drying machine while overdosing on Quaaludes. It's not so much a movie as a celluloid incantation infused with the power to make time stop.
After watching their father get lazily murdered by vaguely interested motorcyclists, lethargic psychic-wonder twins Beth and Michael reanimate their pop's corpse. Revenge for his ghastly murder is put on hold, as zombie Dad's primary function seems to be as an unpaid servant/chauffeur. (If your idea of horror is watching blank faced children eating yogurt and building sand castles look no further). Social worker MARILYN BURNS (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) and police officer FABIAN FORTE are at risk of discovering the truth about the tykes if they ever leave the one-desk police station set they seem perpetually trapped in.
As dopey as the general plot is, it's the film's delivery that will hold you spellbound. Everyone seems hypnotized and perhaps discretely zapped with unseen cow prods when required to speak. The only word I can think of to describe the two children's performances is "narcoleptic." To tell you the truth, I'm not the type to require that a film have even passable acting in it. I've done without many times before and I'm fine, who am I LEE STRASBERG? Yet, I would prefer that actors are at least of the caliber to deliver a line without trailing off, getting glassy eyed or becoming visibly bored.
At some point the director must have gotten as exasperated as myself and decided to coin the term "think-speak." This is when the kids stop talking all together and begin to communicate by awkward silences and barely focused half stares. It doesn't really solve the problem but it does, at least, present a much-needed break from it. MARILYN and FABIAN do not fare much better, which is a shame because those two are sort of my dream cast. I have a feeling that just being in the general vicinity of the children made them drowsy. The two are sort of forced to walk in circles throughout and spend a great deal of time waiting for MARILYN's car to get fixed.
Frequently shown on ELVIRA'S MOVIE MACABRE, this is one movie that benefited richly from colorful inserts filled with bad puns and big boobs. Even without ELVIRA's help, though, there is something so backwards and misguided here that you're sure not to ever forget the experience. Mind numbing drudgery aside, there is probably no way a person could get through a viewing without laughing out loud at least once. Maybe laughter was not the response the filmmakers intended but it sure beats a yawn.
Name That Trauma :: Reader LeeAnn on Fatal Water Tower Games
I remember being a kid and walking into the living room while my mother was watching a movie on television. I watched the remainder of the movie and found it very scary. It was about some kids (teenagers?) who were playing in/around a water tower, and I think one of them fell inside or got pushed inside. If I remember right, the kid ended up dying. I could be way off, but I was hoping someone would be able to tell me what movie I'm recalling.
UNK SEZ: Yikes, another day, another "Name That Trauma" stumper! I feel like I've seen this before. It kind of reminds me of THE OTHER but I think those kids where messing around in piles of hay. Wasn't there another movie where a kid fell into a silo of corn and suffocated in it? Falling into a water tower reminds me of something that might happen at the beginning of C.H.I.P.S. Gee, LeeAnn I'm not quite sure what this may be. If anyone has any ideas please dump them in to the comments section…but be very careful around the comment section edge, it's very slippery and several readers have been known to fall in, never to be heard from again!
Name That Trauma :: Reader Marcel on a Building-Dropping Bug
Reading the article with AMANDA BY NIGHT gave me chills since, for a long time, I have been searching for something that was VERY similar to the Prisoner's ROVER…
When I was a kid (in the 80s) I rented a VHS tape that at the beginning had these previews and one was like this:
In the middle of the desert a man in a suit, laying on the sand, desperately drags himself at a slow pace, like something was about to attack him (but there is nothing around!). Then a quick cut shows us a big city downtown and a horrible noise. Suddenly, in the best HARRYHAUSEN stop-animation fashion we see flying a HUGE giant mechanical bug (shaped like a fly) that gets on top of one of the skyscrapers and yanks the whole thing out with debris falling all over. Cut back to the guy in the desert, cut to the giant fly with the building hanging between her legs, cut the guy, horrible sound getting more intense, cut to the point of view of the bug flying over dunes, cut to the guy hearing the noise, the bug gets on top of him and drops the building…on him.
It was horrific. I remember rewinding it and watching it over and over again. To this day it haunts me to know what that was about.
AUNTIE SEZ: Marcel, you have us stumped! If any of you dear readers know the name of this freaky fly flick, please leave it in the comments or email it to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.
Name That Trauma :: Reader Melissa on Monsterous Musical Numbers
I don't think this is technically considered a trauma 'cause I kinda liked it, but here goes…
When I was 10-ish and growing up in lovely upstate NY, I used to wake up before everyone else and sneak downstairs to watch a very, very early morning T.V. show. It was probably around 1982 or 1983, and it featured (I think) a Dracula, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein in strangely comedic situations. Every once in a while there would be a musical montage of these goofy monsters dancing to stuff like The Archies "Sugar Sugar" or The Stones "Jumping Jack Flash."
I have often wondered if this show actually existed, or if it was just a psychedelic fever dream.
Either way, please help!
UNK SEZ: Melissa you are talking about THE GROOVIE GOOLIES. I loved that show as a kid. In fact I still love it. It premiered in 1970 and it was a spinoff of THE ARCHIES cartoon. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (who I also love) being the connecting factor!!!! Find out more HERE!
