WELCOME TO POOH CORNER. You know, the Winnie-the-Pooh live action people-in-suits show? They had this government sponsored special called "Say No to Strangers," which I would rent from our local video store time and time again, because I was horror struck…oh yes, it's on YouTube.
After 14-year-old Chris Parker (LINDA BLAIR) runs away from home just one too many times, her parents decide to teach her, and in essence everyone who has ever sat through BORN INNOCENT, some valuable life lessons by making her a ward of the courts. Young Chris is processed by the justice system, and dispatched to a juvenile detention center where she is promptly cavity searched, deloused, and initiated into the hard-knock life of a girls' home where plenty of sexually unambiguous girls with feathered haired abound. Make no mistake though, THE FACTS OF LIFE this isn't.
Chris draws attention to herself in class by impressing the home's lone schoolteacher a.k.a. "Mom" (JOANNA MILES) with her geography prowess, and shortly thereafter ends up on the business end of a plunger handle while four tough girls hold her down in the shower. Since there's nothing like a little forced sodomy with a plunger handle to send a person's normally sunny disposition down the toilet, our tragic heroine spends the rest of the film in a downward spiral.
She returns home for a weekend visit, only to runaway again from her abusive dick Dad, and is carted back to juvie where she ends up in solitary confinement for inciting a food fight to protect her pregnant friend. The pregnant one happened to be involved in the shower rape, but this seems to be lost on both Chris and the script supervisor. After the pregnant one miscarries, Chris becomes even more bitter and eventually incites a full-scale riot after the school's house mother Mrs. Lasko (ALLYN ANN McLERIE) refuses to give her shampoo. There's an inquest into the riot, and Chris straight up lies about her involvement. The movie anticlimactically ends with Chris stomping off across the schoolyard, arm-in-arm with the other delinquents, just another child left behind by a failed rehabilitation system.
Released as made-for-T.V. movie of the week in 1974, BORN INNOCENT garnered high ratings and its shocking shower scene was cited for inspiring a real-life act of forced sodomy with a soda bottle by a group of underage girls. A subsequent legal battle based on this copy-cat crime led to the establishment of the Family Viewing Hour, and the shower scene was cut from all re-broadcasts.
Perhaps equally as criminal is the oversight of BLAIR's lightening rod performance by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. Not only did she not receive an EMMY for her work, she wasn't even nominated. In the hands of a lesser contemporary, say HELEN HUNT (There, I said it. I never cared for her poor-man's JODIE FOSTER schtick and her big forehead), BORN INNOCENT would have just been a Primetime After-School Special. Whether she's carving her initials in her forearm with a heated bobby pin or slapping a schoolmarm upside the head, BLAIR lends a natural believability to the unfortunate proceedings. You really want her to escape this hell hole, and when she doesn't, you can't really fault her for becoming a charter member of the old-school bad girl's club.
I remember an animated short that was shown on an episode of THE GREAT SPACE COASTER back in the early '80s. It started off showing the history of fire or something like that. Now it's the present day and we see an older couple getting ready for dinner. I think the wife is having problems with the oven and the husband's getting frustrated with the toaster not working and jams a fork in it. Fire pops out of the oven with an evil face at the wife. More living fire comes out and engulfs the whole apartment building and then move on to the neighboring buildings and homes. Eventually they set the Earth ablaze and then jump to the other planets. I remember the end narration stating that the gods were angry and that they would give fire to woman instead of man next time.
I would see this short again no long after on late night pay-T.V. in between movies. I was either 9 or 10 at the time so that really screwed with my head.
Anyone else ever seen this?
Note: Toaster image swiped from HERE.
As you may recall, in the not so distant past, we urged our readership to vote on the highly controversial PROPOSITION MARY JANE. The land of Kindertrauma is nothing if not Democratic, and it is an honor to bestow such freedoms upon the masses. In this particular vote you had the expansive choice of deciding YEA or NAY on the fate of one Mary Jane candy. It's no secret that I, your honorary Unkle, was pushing for the demise of said candy, but the people have spoken and as promised I will now concede.
It may alarm you to know that Mary Jane candies did in fact loose by a vote of 7 to 8, but I, in my infinite wisdom, spent the long night wondering why my victory felt so hollow. The answer lied in the snoring, bespectacled cherub face of Aunt John. Aunt John voted against Mary Jane only under extreme coercion and the threat of severe bodily harm. The fact is they have not made a candy that he will not eat, and that includes the heinous Mary Jane.
And being one of the fairest people who ever lived, not only of complexion and cascading ginger locks, but of character as well, I changed his vote to YEA making the end result a tie. Please don't cheer and throw confetti, I am just a man. (A man chosen by God to spread joy across the world with his spot-on karaoke interpretation of the MEN WITHOUT HATS song "Pop Goes the World," but a man just the same.)
The fact is that this past Halloween I was reminded of an even more horrific threat. A threat that is not even a candy; a threat in a small red box that goes by the hoity-toity name of SUN-MAID RAISINS. Now I ask you, who in their right mind would hand out raisins on Halloween? A mad person I decree! Let's make next Halloween raisin free. That non-treat with its so-called vitamins and nutrients is one thing that even Aunt John could say NAY to!
In closing, Mary Jane you are spared. Weird Sun-Maid girl with the dated hat and the creepy smile, your days are numbered!
P.S.: To all you folks who voted in this or any other recent voting type thingy…give yourselves a big pat on the back; no matter the outcome, you are now a part of history!
P.S.S.: If you've recently voted for a candy or person who found victory, don't be afraid to jump up and down a little.
NOTE: Special thanks to Auntie J for this groovy Mary Jane statue!!!
This telekinetic killer munchkin flick is not like anything you've ever witnessed. You know your old Unk not only has a high tolerance for lameness, but also a masochistic sweet tooth for it, right? Well, I may have finally met my match. Here is a movie that had me waxing nostalgic for the brilliant acting in CATHY'S CURSE and the technical achievement of THE CHILDREN. Watching KISS DADDY GOODBYE is sort of like watching your clothes twirl around in a drying machine while overdosing on Quaaludes. It's not so much a movie as a celluloid incantation infused with the power to make time stop.
After watching their father get lazily murdered by vaguely interested motorcyclists, lethargic psychic-wonder twins Beth and Michael reanimate their pop's corpse. Revenge for his ghastly murder is put on hold, as zombie Dad's primary function seems to be as an unpaid servant/chauffeur. (If your idea of horror is watching blank faced children eating yogurt and building sand castles look no further). Social worker MARILYN BURNS (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE) and police officer FABIAN FORTE are at risk of discovering the truth about the tykes if they ever leave the one-desk police station set they seem perpetually trapped in.
As dopey as the general plot is, it's the film's delivery that will hold you spellbound. Everyone seems hypnotized and perhaps discretely zapped with unseen cow prods when required to speak. The only word I can think of to describe the two children's performances is "narcoleptic." To tell you the truth, I'm not the type to require that a film have even passable acting in it. I've done without many times before and I'm fine, who am I LEE STRASBERG? Yet, I would prefer that actors are at least of the caliber to deliver a line without trailing off, getting glassy eyed or becoming visibly bored.
At some point the director must have gotten as exasperated as myself and decided to coin the term "think-speak." This is when the kids stop talking all together and begin to communicate by awkward silences and barely focused half stares. It doesn't really solve the problem but it does, at least, present a much-needed break from it. MARILYN and FABIAN do not fare much better, which is a shame because those two are sort of my dream cast. I have a feeling that just being in the general vicinity of the children made them drowsy. The two are sort of forced to walk in circles throughout and spend a great deal of time waiting for MARILYN's car to get fixed.
Frequently shown on ELVIRA'S MOVIE MACABRE, this is one movie that benefited richly from colorful inserts filled with bad puns and big boobs. Even without ELVIRA's help, though, there is something so backwards and misguided here that you're sure not to ever forget the experience. Mind numbing drudgery aside, there is probably no way a person could get through a viewing without laughing out loud at least once. Maybe laughter was not the response the filmmakers intended but it sure beats a yawn.
I remember being a kid and walking into the living room while my mother was watching a movie on television. I watched the remainder of the movie and found it very scary. It was about some kids (teenagers?) who were playing in/around a water tower, and I think one of them fell inside or got pushed inside. If I remember right, the kid ended up dying. I could be way off, but I was hoping someone would be able to tell me what movie I'm recalling.
UNK SEZ: Yikes, another day, another "Name That Trauma" stumper! I feel like I've seen this before. It kind of reminds me of THE OTHER but I think those kids where messing around in piles of hay. Wasn't there another movie where a kid fell into a silo of corn and suffocated in it? Falling into a water tower reminds me of something that might happen at the beginning of C.H.I.P.S. Gee, LeeAnn I'm not quite sure what this may be. If anyone has any ideas please dump them in to the comments section…but be very careful around the comment section edge, it's very slippery and several readers have been known to fall in, never to be heard from again!
Reading the article with AMANDA BY NIGHT gave me chills since, for a long time, I have been searching for something that was VERY similar to the Prisoner's ROVER…
When I was a kid (in the 80s) I rented a VHS tape that at the beginning had these previews and one was like this:
In the middle of the desert a man in a suit, laying on the sand, desperately drags himself at a slow pace, like something was about to attack him (but there is nothing around!). Then a quick cut shows us a big city downtown and a horrible noise. Suddenly, in the best HARRYHAUSEN stop-animation fashion we see flying a HUGE giant mechanical bug (shaped like a fly) that gets on top of one of the skyscrapers and yanks the whole thing out with debris falling all over. Cut back to the guy in the desert, cut to the giant fly with the building hanging between her legs, cut the guy, horrible sound getting more intense, cut to the point of view of the bug flying over dunes, cut to the guy hearing the noise, the bug gets on top of him and drops the building…on him.
It was horrific. I remember rewinding it and watching it over and over again. To this day it haunts me to know what that was about.
AUNTIE SEZ: Marcel, you have us stumped! If any of you dear readers know the name of this freaky fly flick, please leave it in the comments or email it to us at kindertrauma@gmail.com.
I don't think this is technically considered a trauma 'cause I kinda liked it, but here goes…
When I was 10-ish and growing up in lovely upstate NY, I used to wake up before everyone else and sneak downstairs to watch a very, very early morning T.V. show. It was probably around 1982 or 1983, and it featured (I think) a Dracula, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein in strangely comedic situations. Every once in a while there would be a musical montage of these goofy monsters dancing to stuff like The Archies "Sugar Sugar" or The Stones "Jumping Jack Flash."
I have often wondered if this show actually existed, or if it was just a psychedelic fever dream.
Either way, please help!
UNK SEZ: Melissa you are talking about THE GROOVIE GOOLIES. I loved that show as a kid. In fact I still love it. It premiered in 1970 and it was a spinoff of THE ARCHIES cartoon. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (who I also love) being the connecting factor!!!! Find out more HERE!
ANNOUNCER: Boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress First Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.
UNKLE: And who is that I see floating across the east lawn?
AUNTIE: Why it's none other Ronald McVorhees, star of the never to be released FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 17, "DON'T AXE FOR EXTRA FRIES!"
UNKLE: Wait, what?
AUNTIE: Yeah, I couldn't help but GRIMACE when I saw that trailer!
UNKLE: Stop, I can't do this. Who wrote this parade banter?
AUNTIE: I did, and I have a knife in my purse under the counter. Just read the teleprompter or I will stab you in the neck.
UNKLE: All righty then, who is this creepy little skeleton?
AUNTIE: Why that awesome lil' dude is none other than MR. CANACORN of AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME'S SAKE.
UNKLE: Awesome costume MR. C!
AUNTIE: Yikes! What is our next participant wearing?
UNKLE: That would be the VICAR OF VHS of MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES fame rocking, what looks like a hunchback costume.
AUNTIE: Let's throw it down to the street where VICAR can explain his outfit.
VICAR OF VHS: What we have here is the Vicar, age 7 or 8 (this would be circa 1978 or 1979, showing my age), in what is still pretty much my FAVORITE COSTUME EVAR: the Hunchback! Now what made this costume so great, you ask? Well, except for the cheapo plastic fangs, it's 100% home-made–my dad's shirt, my mom's eye shadow and hairspray, a pillow strapped to my back with a belt. But more importantly than that, it was effective: when I put it on, I BECAME the hunchback! The loping gait, the mush-mouthed pleas for understanding, it was all there. And perhaps best of all, when my cousin (dressed as a little fairy princess) came to our house to trick or treat, and I came bounding out of the house toward her in full RAMPAGE mode, she screamed and scampered to the back of the family van and would not come out until her dad assured her NUMEROUS times that it was just her lil' cousin. Ah, even after all these years, I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself.
AUNTIE: Well, we are very excited by the VICAR's pride. Speaking of excitement, I know of some ladies who are very excited by today's parade.
UNKLE: Oh, really. And who would they be?
AUNTIE: None other than the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS. Take it away girls!
UNKLE: Umm, that wasn't very exciting.
AUNTIE: No?
UNKLE: And it had nothing to do with Halloween. I know you personally choreographed that number, but it lacked a certain level of panache.
AUNTIE: Suck it. Well, our next entrant is certainly not shy about bringing the panache to everything he does.
UNKLE: Sweet Jesus! Is that ADAM of DVD PANACHE?
AUNTIE: You betcha! Let's hear what he has to say about his get-up.
ADAM: 1988… best costume ever! Ghoul makeup kit bought at Newberry's, it actually ended up looking better than the package advertised. On the downside, it itched so much I was only able to visit four houses.
UNKLE: I like folks that don't clown around when it comes to wearing uncomfortable costumes.
AUNTIE: Wait, did you say you like clowns?
UNKLE: Umm, no, are you deaf?
AUNTIE: Nope, I'm in parade mode and I love making shameless segues. Straight from the Kindertrauma Commenter Big Top comes our next participant… the one and only MICKSTER as a scary clown!
UNKLE: Wait, what is she doing? It looks like…
AUNTIE: … she is changing costumes!
UNKLE: Go MICKSTER!
AUNTIE: What a little devil!
UNKLE: That PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN sure is a lucky guy.
AUNTIE: Oh my! Are things getting heated along the parade route, or is it just me?
UNKLE: Nope, that's just your hot flashes acting up again.
AUNTIE: Hold your tongue UNKLE, and hopefully the PROFESSOR will hold his fire.
UNKLE: Wait, what?
AUNTIE: Shhh… up next is PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN!
PROFESSOR: Here's me in 1982, age 7, prepared to get candy and shoot commies in the face.
UNKLE: And on that note, let's pause for a TRAUM-MERCIAL break from unofficial parade sponsor Coor's Light.
AUNTIE: And we're back!
UNKLE: That ad made me thirsty.
AUNTIE: Well, you're in luck. Up next we have two of our favorite thirst quenchers.
UNKLE: BEA ARTHUR and CHARLOTTE RAE?
AUNTIE: No, you silly goose! DANIELLE & FREDDIE co-proprietors of the best bar in the whole wide world, 12 STEPS DOWN.
UNKLE: Wait, which one is which?
AUNTIE: Let's throw it to DANIELLE for an explanation.
DANIELLE: I am in the lovely 1980 fall addition clown costume, Freddie is the homemade hooker in the middle, which scarily resembles what I look like today, and the ravishing Vampire is my oldest brother Johnny!
UNKLE: I love them. And remember kids, if you are ever in the greater Philadelphia area looking for a watering hole, stop by 12 STEPS DOWN, conveniently located at the corners of 9th & Christian Streets!
AUNTIE: Speaking of great brother and sister acts, check out our next entrants… commenter Megatone230 and his SCOOBY-DOO sis:
UNKLE: Can we get a close-up of his face?
AUNTIE: MEGATONE230, how did you come up with such a scary face?
MEGATONE230: I got the idea for it from the way cool 'Make-up Monsters' book, I ordered from the Weekly Reader in school.
MEGATONE230: My mom helped do the make-up.
UNKLE: Moms really are the best when it comes to helping with make-up.
AUNTIE: And when it comes to hair, nobody beats a Grandma!
UNKLE: What the hell are you babbling about?
AUNTIE: Our next parader is none other than ME, your AUNT JOHN, rocking the Number #1 Super-Guy costume HONG KONG PHOOEY. Flanked by my older brothers, CHUCKY & FRANKY, I do believe we went with a super-hero theme that year.
UNKLE: What the hell is on your head?
AUNTIE: Listen, even at the age of four, when this was taken in 1976, I was a stickler for authenticity. Remember when H.K.P. rocked a perm, like everyone else in the ‘70s?
UNKLE: Nope, afraid not.
AUNTIE: Well he did, and I accessorized my look with my Grandma's wig to take this box-job costume to the next level. From what I remember, that shit was super hot, literally, and I was a sweaty mess by night's end.
UNKLE: You are a freak.
AUNTIE: Speaking of super-freaks, let's move on to our next parader.
UNKLE: O.M.G.!, is that who I think it is?
AUNTIE: Yep, it's none other than your favorite zombie gunslinger, WIL of HORROR YEARBOOK!
UNKLE: Where are my smelling salts? Zombie cowboys fill me with fear!
AUNTIE: Silly UNKLE, never fear… that sly FOX of TRACTOR FACTS is here!
UNKLE: Yay! UNDERDOG! I feel so much safer now!
AUNTIE: Well I'm glad you feel safe UNK, 'cause our final parader is making me slightly nervous with her glow stick. What is she doing?
UNKLE: Hmmm, it looks like she is spelling something. I can sort of make out the letters from here…
AUNTIE: "To KINDERTRAUMA"… something, something "Jamie." What the hell?
UNKLE: Awww… it's OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT DANIELLE HARRIS.
AUNTIE: For those watching at home, I don't know how we managed to get the star of HALLOWEENS 4 & 5, but there she is… clowning around on the east lawn Kindertrauma Castle. I love it!
UNKLE: Wow, that parade went too fast. I guess the whole time-traveling factor just goes to show that anything can happen on Halloween!
AUNTIE: Funny, you should say that. Boys and girls, please give a big Kindertrauma welcome to our master of closing ceremonies… TIM CURRY!
AUNTIE: Special thanks to MR.CANACORN, the VICAR OF VHS, ADAM of DVD PANACHE, MICKSTER, PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN, DANIELLE & FREDDIE from 12 STEPS DOWN, MEGATONES 230, WIL from HORROR YEARBOOK, FOX of TRACTOR FACTS, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, DANIELLE HARRIS, and TIM CURRY for participating in today's festivities.
UNKLE: We love you all more than Halloween itself!
AUNTIE: Seriously. Now get out there, get your trick-or-treat on, and have the bestest Halloween EVER!
