kindertrauma

Kinder-News :: We Are Geeks!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


We here at Kindertrauma are usually perfectly happy hiding our nightlight under a bushel, but something this cool we just have to share. It turns out our little corner of the World Wide Web is featured in this month's issue of GEEK MONTHLY. In fact, our name can be seen right there smack on the cover! How exciting is that? The greatest part of the whole thing is all the incredible people who are in this issue that we get to rub imaginary shoulders with. I'm talking long-time heroes MST3K's JOEL HODGEN & TV'S FRANK, (I get chills writing this next one) ginger-haired BUFFY alum FELICIA DAY, who has been in the same room with GOD as far as I'm concerned, real live Canadians THE KIDS IN THE FRICKIN' HALL, the always welcome to stop by Kindertrauma Castle whenever the hell he pleases HART BOCHNER (a.k.a. SUPERGIRL's boyfriend!), and look, that's Mr. GREG KINNEAR on the cover! Have I ever mentioned that I've devoted my life to defending STUCK ON YOU and can quote lines of dialogue from the film, a favorite being when EVA MENDES says "I love it when famous people don't turn out to be dick-wads!"? (Wait, isn't that a MORRISSEY song too?) Wow, this name dropping thing is a blast, I gotta do it more often. Who else we got, oh, they review the remake of THE WIZARD OF GORE. That means CRISPEN GLOVER a.k.a Jingle Dell, is now kinda sorta our new best friend too! I guess I don't have to point out at this point that we are super honored and super giddy about this. We wouldn't do Kindertrauma if it wasn't fun and it wouldn't be fun without you guys, so a big thanks to our readers for making a development like this possible! Now, go buy a hundred issues of GEEK MONTHLY!

NOTE: Since this will probably be my last chance to talk about STUCK ON YOU, do you know about this weird thing in the opening credits which is way more amazing then the not real THREE MEN AND A BABY GHOST? Can you see that scary face under the bed? It appears just as THE PIXIES, on the soundtrack, get to the line "face turn blue" in "Here Comes Your Man"…

On the DVD commentary THE FARRELLY BROTHERS say that it may be some sports equipment or just the way the light hits some dust, but they don't sound too convinced and frankly, neither am I! Finally here is cinematic evidence of what kids have been trying to convince their parents of for hundreds of years, there really is something under the bed!

Traumafessions :: Reader Kami S. on Closed Doors

Posted on By aunt john

Now, at this time of writing, I am 15 years old. I regularly watch violent anime. Recently I was watching WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, and poking fun at it throughout. I often watch documentaries about ghosts, and read about them. Halloween is my favorite holiday, partly because of all the scary things. I've written about sociopathic serial killers before. I love the horror genre, and often know who's going to die first in said movies. And yet, this one, common, everyday object scares me.

A closed door.

No really.

Stop laughing.

There's a reason, and I'm about to share, as I drown my sorrows in Sunkist.

When I was very little, possibly around 5 or 6, my dad was a huge science fiction junkie. Very often, the SciFi Channel was on, and I remember him having alien-related objects around the house. What scared me was this scene, possibly a commercial, but I'm not sure.

What happened was that a door was shown. After a few seconds, a cracking sound was heard, as a decaying hand broke through said door. Suddenly, this zombie/skeleton/ghoul thing, with white shaggy hair, sticks its head through the crack. I don't remember the rest, but I think I remember it saying something along the lines of "Hey. Want to watch a new show?" Or something. I don't remember exactly.

As a result, even at my age, I have issues with closed doors. Whenever I'm in a room alone with one, and it's the only exit, I think of what is behind that door, and get anxious, particularly worried that there is something behind said door. In fact, I keep the door open a crack usually, so I can see any ghouls that will try to bust open my door, in the name of their show. Thank you so much, SciFi, for giving me a fear of doors!

UNK SEZ: First of all Kami, I would like to congratulate you on your honesty and bravery. I can assure you that you are in capable hands, as I have decades of afternoon talk show watching under my belt. I have also read every self-help book on the market from "Why is Everyone Looking at Me Funny?" to "Holy Moly, Your Shadow is Chasing You." In fact, I know exactly what your problem is. The technical term that learned folks like myself like to use is "a-door-aphobia." The good news is, you've already made the first step toward recovery by admitting to a group of strangers that you've got bats in your belfry. Now the healing can begin…

My father, Dr. Satanstein, taught me long ago that the best way to get over my fear of water was to be thrown in the deep end of our pool with my feet chained to a radiator. (Sounds harsh, but guess who just bought a new snorkel!) It's called tough love Kami; it ain't easy but it works. Above and below I present you with a scary collection of doors to stare at until you are no longer scared of them. I also suggest that you play ring and run on at least two of your neighbors before going to bed. Good luck Kami, I have every faith in your recovery.

As for everyone else, can you identify the movies these doors are from? Some are easy and some will make you want to grab torches and storm Kindertrauma Castle. (Remember #1 is above the post!) Leave your guesses in the comments section. I'll post the answers on Monday! (And yes EVIL ON TWO LEGS, I know you just did something like this but you've heard that old chestnut about rip-offs being the sincerest form of flattery right? Besides this is my revenge, now I'm in control! Mwahahahaha!)


UNK: I hope that I do not have to point out that this last one is not a door at all but an adorable little puppy-doggie. I just wanted to illustrate to dear Kami that sometimes there is something very nice behind a closed door (windows of course are a different story). Extra points for whoever can name the puppy and identify what # door he was found behind!

Kinder-News :: It's That Day Again

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I found this image somewhere on the Web a while back and I was really disturbed by it. I'm not posting it today to be glib or make light of the horrors that took place on this date seven years ago. I'd just like to point out that this once benign illustration is forever altered. I'm sure there are many film fans out there who can relate to the scenario of watching a movie filmed before the events of that day, seeing the New York skyline as it once was, and still being surprised by a sudden pang of aftershock. We're not very political here at Kindertrauma (Gremlins deserve equal pay as Mogwai!), but we do know a thing or two about lost innocence and the ghastly moment when one realizes that they are not as safe in this world as they once believed. We hope that everyone takes a moment today to remember how fragile human life is, at any age, and to be thankful that many of us got to experience a time in our lives when the worst thing we could imagine was a monster under the bed…

Night Of The Demon (1980)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I wish someone could explain to me why the Bigfoot movie NIGHT OF THE DEMON is not the most celebrated horror movie in the world. I don't get it. I realize that it was banned in the U.K. as a video nasty, and that it's never really been distributed properly uncut in the U.S., but I'm kind of shocked that it's not more notorious.

Should the blame be placed on the generic, misleading title or the fact that, on a technical level, the film is so relentlessly amateurish that it gives one the impression that it may have been assembled by Bigfoot himself? I still don't get it. I mean the big guy actually rips off some poor dude's weenie in this movie and I feel that alone should seal the film's reputation for eternity.

In most movies about the (some say) mythical beast, he is shown as a GARBO-esque, chronically shy recluse. In NIGHT OF THE DEMON, Bigfoot rapes a lady on her front lawn as her religious zealot father watches from the porch. To me, that's like the exact opposite of shy (or the recorded behavior of GARBO). Come to think of it, I can't believe I used to feel sorry for ol' tall dark and hairy, especially after the way he grabs a sad sack in his sleeping bag in this movie, spins him over his head in a circle a couple times and then throws him into a sharp branch, impaling him like a campfire marshmallow on a twig. Let's not even mention the whole bashing two knife holding Girl Scouts together so that they stab each other routine. C'mon Sasquatch, that's just sick…

It's true that the script is borderline Neanderthal and that the acting is all around lame, but I have to confess that when a film looks this much like late seventies porn, I can let stuff like that slide. I'm not saying that there are not scenes here that will bore normal humans to near tears, but seriously IT HAS THE GREATEST ENDING EVER FILMED!!! If the special effects were just a little bit better, it would blow that whole raft scene from THE BURNING right out of the water. Just when you think you've seen it all and are ready to call it a day, ol' Biggy crashes a cabin and literally beats the living daylights out of the entire cast. I'm not kidding; he throttles the stuffing out of them. He rips out one guy's intestines and actually starts beating his friends with it. A lady gets a pitch fork shoved up her backside, another guy gets his face pushed into a burning stove, and it's all done in hilarious slow motion while Bigfoot roars his furry head off. I've never seen anything like it. It's like an ITCHY & SCRATCHY cartoon come to life, and I can't wait to watch it again.

As much as the professionalism of DEMON leaves something to be desired, I have to give credit where credit is due. Even beyond its obvious value as a gore flick, I respect the obvious effort to create something a bit different. The entire tale is basically a flashback story that not only has flashback stories within the flashback story, but also dreams within the flashbacks within the stories or something like that. If that weren't enough, we're also privy to "Bigfoot Vision," that's when you see the woods through a blood red circle. Even if you were to remove the delicious violence, I must thank the makers of this movie for introducing me to the character of "Crazy Wanda" who chomps on candy, looks like the lead singer of THE DIVINYLS and gives birth to the monster's baby. She alone would have made this picture worthwhile. (I should point out that even though Bigfoot raped crazy Wanda, when he's not killing people he brings her presents nearly everyday).

You may read bad reviews of this movie elsewhere, but pay them no mind; those people are lying to you. I don't know why or to what end, but they are lying through their teeth! NIGHT OF THE DEMON is amazing…

…it will break its foot off in your A$$!!!

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Eric (a.k.a. FilmFather) on Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot

Posted on By aunt john

In the long-standing tradition of how even bad movies can have trailers that scare the crap out of kids…

During the Bigfoot craze of the '70s, a docu-drama was released in 1977 called SASQUATCH: THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT. I never saw the film as a kid, but a scene at the end of the trailer stuck in my mind for the rest of my childhood. I couldn't find the trailer online (it was removed from YouTube), but the scene I remember is in the actual film. Check out the intro to SASQUATCH below, and jump to the 1:40 mark:

The freeze-frame on the monstrous silhouette…that howling cry…the zoom of the title…somebody hold me…I'm so cold…

As a kid, I had nightmares of that shadow appearing at the top my attic stairs so many times; I swore that before I rediscovered this footage, I thought Bigfoot was in a stairwell in this scene, not in the woods.

For those who want to see this supposedly sub-par film, it's available on YouTube starting HERE

UNK SEZ: I remember this one! I'll never forget the image of Bigfoot standing on a hill and throwing rocks down at people, and at the time, I had no problem believing that the whole thing was real. By the way FilmFather, you've really opened up a can of hairy worms over here at Kindertrauma Castle, we are now fully engulfed in Bigfoot mania as you will soon see. Bigfoot movies and especially the G-rated faux documentary types like this one, and my personal favorite THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK, really capture a specific time that is sorely missed. I used to be very impressed with Bigfoot, now it seems that he only does broad comedy and prefers parts were he plays a buffoon. He's like the JOHN C. REILLY of the cryptozoology set! Well, it's about time he's remembered as the true traumatizer that he was born to be! Stay tuned!

P.S.: For more of our kinderpal Eric (who recently reviewed the awesome GRIZZLY!) go stop by his neck of the woods @ FilmFather!

Name That Trauma :: Kinderpal Mickster on a Story Record Involving a Guy Turned Into a Werewolf With a Bloody Pentagram in the Palm of His Hand

Posted on By aunt john

I grew up living on a cul-de-sac in a small southern town. My parents were very strict about knowing where I was at all times and this was before child abductions were all over the news. In the summer time, my mother didn't allow me to stay in the house during the day if the weather was pleasant. As soon as I was dressed and had breakfast I was pushed out the door and only allowed to come inside for lunch or bathroom breaks.

Well, I had away around that problem when I played with the girls next door. Their babysitter allowed them to play in her house when they wanted. If the day were particularly hot, we would retreat into the house to play. We mostly played with our Barbie's, but sometimes we would listen to story records.

There were two records in particular that we listened to in order to scare ourselves out of our wits. One was "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF and the other I can't identify (It was about a guy turning into a werewolf).

We would turn out the lights and close the curtains to make it as dark as possible. The younger of the two sisters was quite a whinier so we would do our best to freak her out, unfortunately, most of the time we ended up freaking ourselves out in the process.

I was fortunate enough to find "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF on-line recently. I can't find the other record though. All I remember about it is that some guy turns into a werewolf and they describe a bloody pentagram in the palm of his hand.

I would be eternally grateful if someone could identify this story record for me. I have faith that Unkle Lancifer, Aunt John, or the readers of Kindertrauma will be able to help solve this mystery.


UNK SEZ: Mickster, it's sort of a shot in the dark but I was able to track down these two werewolf records. Let me know if either looks familiar. I also found THIS WEBSITE which is devoted to "Power Records." The cool thing is that in the case of "The Curse of the Werewolf" you can not only read the comic found inside, but also listen to the record as well. I gave it a listen, but unfortunately there was no mention of that bloody pentagram on the palm that you vividly recall, so this is probably not the one you're looking for. (It's a fun listen just the same). Does anyone out there remember this record kinderpal Mickster is looking for? If so, drop us a line, either in the comment section or via email! Good luck Mickster!

STATUS: SOLVED! (yeah Mickster!!!) See comments section for more info.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Jory on a Man-Melting Robot

Posted on By aunt john

When I was very young I saw something that was absolutely disturbing on my friend's television. From what I remember, it was a commercial for a movie or show about evil robots. I remember most of the shots being scary, but one shot in particular disturbed me. It was a shot of a black, classic looking robot with very square shoulders and a triangular head melting a man in front of his family. The robot had its hands on his shoulders and was pushing him into the ground. The man was down to his waist and the rest of him was a circular steaming puddle. He looked to be in agony.

UNK SEZ: Yikes, that sounds like another hard one. Does anybody out there know of what Jory speaks? If so, leave a comment or send an email. I've never heard of a robot that can turn a man into a steaming puddle. I thought robots only attacked old people to use their medicine for fuel. In fact, I don't even know why the scientists make them…

The Unseen

Posted on By unkle lancifer


If you're hungry for the elaborate squishy kills usually associated with early eighties horror, THE UNSEEN might leave you high and dry. This throwback with its crusty Victorian homestead and basement full of family secrets walks in the long shadow of PSYCHO even going so far as aping its superior's voyeuristic eye for bathing blonds.

Beauty BARBARA BACH stars as ace reporter Jennifer Fast, hot on the story of the century, documenting a North California Dutch street fair. (Wait ‘till the big wigs see her footage of the red rider wagons handsomely decorated in aluminum foil!) Although obviously a mover and a shaker, Jennifer is denied a hotel room due to no fault of her own and is left along with two tag along, doomed-from-the-get-go pals to rely on the kindness of strangers to put a roof over her head. Strangers don't come any stranger than pot bellied jittery stutterer Ernest Keller (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST escapee SYDNEY LASSICK), but when you're desperate, you're desperate and who wants to be left on the street when there are crazed Dutch revelers about? Jennifer is unaware that her estranged boyfriend Tony Ross (DOUGLAS BARR of DEADLY BLESSING & THE FALL GUY) has followed her and her friends. Thanks to a football injury, he's about as useful in the events ahead as a screen door on a submarine, but he does make a fine chauffeur.

Once in the Keller home we are introduced to my favorite character in the film, Ernest's wife/spoiler-alert sister Virginia (LELIA GOLDONI), an obvious graduate of the VERONICA CARTWRIGHT school of self-composure. Soon Jennifer's pals are being tugged into (eat your heart out THE BOOGENS!), and bashed in the face with, heating vents and it's gleaned that Virginia's basket case disposition is warranted. As it turns out Flounder from ANIMAL HOUSE (STEPHEN FURST) is trapped in the basement condemned by a local witch's curse to perform RIDING THE BUS WITH MY SISTER to an audience of zero for all of eternity. O.K., that's not true, he's the Keller's incest spawn and I know you're not allowed to say "retard" anymore, so let's just say he's special. In this case special means stopping just short of dropping to the ground like CURLY from the THREE STOOGES and spinning about in a circle screeching a-woo-woo-woo! It also means when you clock a chick in the skull with a metal heating grate she's done.

This is where THE UNSEEN kind of looses me. All of the sudden we are meant to feel sympathy for the monster baby who KILLED TWO PEOPLE and transfer our fear over to his far less threatening Daddy Ernie. What's the point of that? Did they think they would receive an image award from the disability advocacy community? That ship sort of sailed when Flounder shoved a teddy bear down the front of his diaper, went for a joyride on what I think was a vacuum cleaner, and then dived into the nearby pile of garbage that he uses as a bed.

As disappointing as this too-little-too-late I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY-type insincere display of a conscience is, I have much love for THE UNSEEN. For a movie with the paltry body count of a mere four (that's including the villain AND a decapitated chicken!), I think it's really special.

Traumafessions :: Zack of Film Thoughts on Puppet Master

Posted on By aunt john

I was a pretty skittish kid, as my previous traumafession about a book cover should attest to. It didn't take a lot to give me nightmares and horror movies terrified me. However, this fear eventually developed into a morbid curiosity and I decided to watch some of these movies. After seeing THE OMEN and a few others, I was hooked and became the horror nut I am today.

You wouldn't expect much to get to me after the seriously creepy OMEN, but sometimes kindertrauma comes from unexpected places. I was staying over with a friend of mine for the first time, this was during the early to mid-nineties and I was probably seven or eight. During the summers, the Sci-Fi Channel would show themed movie marathons every night. That night the marathon was the first three PUPPET MASTER movies. I didn't really want to watch them because the idea of killer toys really freaked me out at the time, and still does to a certain extent. But my friend insisted and I didn't want to be a stick in the mud, so a bowl of popcorn was popped, the lights were dimmed, and we sat down to enjoy the show.

I actually really enjoyed the movies, plausibly because most of the really nasty gore was edited out for television or because all of PUPPET MASTER movies have kind of a non-threatening comic book tone about them. Either way, I got through all three with nary a problem. Or so I thought.

That night, when I finally went to sleep, I had a nightmare involving those pesky puppets. I don't remember much beyond two of the little critters, the bladed-hand, KLAUS KINSKI-type and the one with a drill for a head, chasing me up the stairs of my home. And, since this was a nightmare, I couldn't run and could only slowly stumble up the stairs. Naturally, I woke up in a cold sweat just as the malevolent marionettes were about to close in on me. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I didn't want to risk the teasing I would have gotten if I woke my friend up, so I had to fake sleeping for the reminder of the night. I remember jumping at every odd noise or shadow.

I figured the bad dream was just because I was anxious about my first sleepover. But, nope, because later that year, during Christmas break, when I ended up watching another one of the series entries, I had the same damn dream. Except it was Christmas time, which made the whole thing even eerier. Obviously CHARLES BAND's creations had spooked me on a subconscious level. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), I swore the franchise off for years. Until recently, when I bought the box set on a whim and all the memories came flooding back. I've been enjoying the movies, am excited about the recently announced new sequel, and haven't had any nightmares.

Yet.

UNK SEZ: ZACK, Thanks for bringing up PUPPET MASTER. I'm always amazed by the loyalty that series inspires. Some folks are just mad about those films and know every little minutia of detail about it's timelines and characters. Who would have thought after the first film that this whole little mini-universe would be created and with such a loyal following? It's also funny you should mention the puppet Blade's resemblance to KLAUS KINSKI, original PUPPETMASTER Director DAVID SCHMOELLER worked with KINSKI on the 1986 movie CRAWLSPACE. Apparently the two did not get along as well as KINSKI and often collaborator WERNER HERZOG ,for where HERZOG made a documentary about his relationship with KLAUS entitled MY BEST FIEND, SCHMOELLER'S nine minute doc on the same subject matter is entitled PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI!

To read more by Zack, be sure to check his blog Film Thoughts.