Traumafessions :: Reader Bigwig on the Doomed Eggmen
Humpty Dumpty we all know to have been a riddle, with the answer of course being that the mysterious Humpty was in fact, an egg. Nothing particularly eerie about that, right? Well, as soon as someone decided to take the guesswork out of the rhyme, by illustrating Mr. Dumpty perched atop his wall, and gave him a face, it all changed. To a child (at least to me), we now had the story of a life; a terrifyingly fragile one at that. The rhyme was no longer a riddle; instead it could be surmised as:
"The fragile Eggman unwisely sat top a wall. He fell and died horribly."
I remember being read this out of an Old-school Mother Goose book as a very young child and thinking what a nightmare it was to be Humpty Dumpty, as veritably anything (I had broken many an egg trying to help my Mom cook, promising to be careful) would lead this poor creature to a yolk-splattered death. Humpty couldn't go out and play, he couldn't slide down the stairs…everything I knew to be fun was off-limits to Humpty, with any false move leading to his doom. His only real option would be to stay at home in the nest or egg carton and not move.
Of course I knew Eggmen didn't exist. It was the concept of this absurd fragility that had me so scared.
The picture out of that book sealed the deal, for it depicted the wide-eyed, last-second look of terror as Humpty, seeing the end of his cursed existence a few seconds away, was beginning to fall. I would imagine what the after-effect drawing would look like; that panicked, open-mouth look, and huge open eyes frozen amidst cracked shell and leaking albumen. I could even hear him scream.
I scribbled over his face with a pen, in an attempt to hide the first "Face of Death," I had ever witnessed, but to no avail. I still knew it was there. I remember later watching SESAME STREET where a very freakish looking Humpty, with a mouth that caved in as he spoke, was being interviewed by Kermit the Frog as a nursery-rhyme news correspondent, and feeling the sense of dread that it was only a short matter of time until he was destined to fall from the wall, and no one would be able to help. Such was the fate of the doomed Eggmen.
The Eggmen repulsed me, as if they were the Elephant-men of the nursery rhyme circuit. It was not as if I wanted to save them; rather, I never wanted them to exist.
Earlier: Reader Bigwig not so fondly recalls Struwwelpeter.
Kinder-News :: We Are Geeks!
We here at Kindertrauma are usually perfectly happy hiding our nightlight under a bushel, but something this cool we just have to share. It turns out our little corner of the World Wide Web is featured in this month's issue of GEEK MONTHLY. In fact, our name can be seen right there smack on the cover! How exciting is that? The greatest part of the whole thing is all the incredible people who are in this issue that we get to rub imaginary shoulders with. I'm talking long-time heroes MST3K's JOEL HODGEN & TV'S FRANK, (I get chills writing this next one) ginger-haired BUFFY alum FELICIA DAY, who has been in the same room with GOD as far as I'm concerned, real live Canadians THE KIDS IN THE FRICKIN' HALL, the always welcome to stop by Kindertrauma Castle whenever the hell he pleases HART BOCHNER (a.k.a. SUPERGIRL's boyfriend!), and look, that's Mr. GREG KINNEAR on the cover! Have I ever mentioned that I've devoted my life to defending STUCK ON YOU and can quote lines of dialogue from the film, a favorite being when EVA MENDES says "I love it when famous people don't turn out to be dick-wads!"? (Wait, isn't that a MORRISSEY song too?) Wow, this name dropping thing is a blast, I gotta do it more often. Who else we got, oh, they review the remake of THE WIZARD OF GORE. That means CRISPEN GLOVER a.k.a Jingle Dell, is now kinda sorta our new best friend too! I guess I don't have to point out at this point that we are super honored and super giddy about this. We wouldn't do Kindertrauma if it wasn't fun and it wouldn't be fun without you guys, so a big thanks to our readers for making a development like this possible! Now, go buy a hundred issues of GEEK MONTHLY!
NOTE: Since this will probably be my last chance to talk about STUCK ON YOU, do you know about this weird thing in the opening credits which is way more amazing then the not real THREE MEN AND A BABY GHOST? Can you see that scary face under the bed? It appears just as THE PIXIES, on the soundtrack, get to the line "face turn blue" in "Here Comes Your Man"…
On the DVD commentary THE FARRELLY BROTHERS say that it may be some sports equipment or just the way the light hits some dust, but they don't sound too convinced and frankly, neither am I! Finally here is cinematic evidence of what kids have been trying to convince their parents of for hundreds of years, there really is something under the bed!
Traumafessions :: Reader Kami S. on Closed Doors
Now, at this time of writing, I am 15 years old. I regularly watch violent anime. Recently I was watching WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, and poking fun at it throughout. I often watch documentaries about ghosts, and read about them. Halloween is my favorite holiday, partly because of all the scary things. I've written about sociopathic serial killers before. I love the horror genre, and often know who's going to die first in said movies. And yet, this one, common, everyday object scares me.
A closed door.
No really.
Stop laughing.
There's a reason, and I'm about to share, as I drown my sorrows in Sunkist.
When I was very little, possibly around 5 or 6, my dad was a huge science fiction junkie. Very often, the SciFi Channel was on, and I remember him having alien-related objects around the house. What scared me was this scene, possibly a commercial, but I'm not sure.
What happened was that a door was shown. After a few seconds, a cracking sound was heard, as a decaying hand broke through said door. Suddenly, this zombie/skeleton/ghoul thing, with white shaggy hair, sticks its head through the crack. I don't remember the rest, but I think I remember it saying something along the lines of "Hey. Want to watch a new show?" Or something. I don't remember exactly.
As a result, even at my age, I have issues with closed doors. Whenever I'm in a room alone with one, and it's the only exit, I think of what is behind that door, and get anxious, particularly worried that there is something behind said door. In fact, I keep the door open a crack usually, so I can see any ghouls that will try to bust open my door, in the name of their show. Thank you so much, SciFi, for giving me a fear of doors!
UNK SEZ: First of all Kami, I would like to congratulate you on your honesty and bravery. I can assure you that you are in capable hands, as I have decades of afternoon talk show watching under my belt. I have also read every self-help book on the market from "Why is Everyone Looking at Me Funny?" to "Holy Moly, Your Shadow is Chasing You." In fact, I know exactly what your problem is. The technical term that learned folks like myself like to use is "a-door-aphobia." The good news is, you've already made the first step toward recovery by admitting to a group of strangers that you've got bats in your belfry. Now the healing can begin…
My father, Dr. Satanstein, taught me long ago that the best way to get over my fear of water was to be thrown in the deep end of our pool with my feet chained to a radiator. (Sounds harsh, but guess who just bought a new snorkel!) It's called tough love Kami; it ain't easy but it works. Above and below I present you with a scary collection of doors to stare at until you are no longer scared of them. I also suggest that you play ring and run on at least two of your neighbors before going to bed. Good luck Kami, I have every faith in your recovery.
As for everyone else, can you identify the movies these doors are from? Some are easy and some will make you want to grab torches and storm Kindertrauma Castle. (Remember #1 is above the post!) Leave your guesses in the comments section. I'll post the answers on Monday! (And yes EVIL ON TWO LEGS, I know you just did something like this but you've heard that old chestnut about rip-offs being the sincerest form of flattery right? Besides this is my revenge, now I'm in control! Mwahahahaha!)
UNK: I hope that I do not have to point out that this last one is not a door at all but an adorable little puppy-doggie. I just wanted to illustrate to dear Kami that sometimes there is something very nice behind a closed door (windows of course are a different story). Extra points for whoever can name the puppy and identify what # door he was found behind!
Kinder-News :: It's That Day Again
I found this image somewhere on the Web a while back and I was really disturbed by it. I'm not posting it today to be glib or make light of the horrors that took place on this date seven years ago. I'd just like to point out that this once benign illustration is forever altered. I'm sure there are many film fans out there who can relate to the scenario of watching a movie filmed before the events of that day, seeing the New York skyline as it once was, and still being surprised by a sudden pang of aftershock. We're not very political here at Kindertrauma (Gremlins deserve equal pay as Mogwai!), but we do know a thing or two about lost innocence and the ghastly moment when one realizes that they are not as safe in this world as they once believed. We hope that everyone takes a moment today to remember how fragile human life is, at any age, and to be thankful that many of us got to experience a time in our lives when the worst thing we could imagine was a monster under the bed…
Night Of The Demon (1980)
I wish someone could explain to me why the Bigfoot movie NIGHT OF THE DEMON is not the most celebrated horror movie in the world. I don't get it. I realize that it was banned in the U.K. as a video nasty, and that it's never really been distributed properly uncut in the U.S., but I'm kind of shocked that it's not more notorious.
Should the blame be placed on the generic, misleading title or the fact that, on a technical level, the film is so relentlessly amateurish that it gives one the impression that it may have been assembled by Bigfoot himself? I still don't get it. I mean the big guy actually rips off some poor dude's weenie in this movie and I feel that alone should seal the film's reputation for eternity.
In most movies about the (some say) mythical beast, he is shown as a GARBO-esque, chronically shy recluse. In NIGHT OF THE DEMON, Bigfoot rapes a lady on her front lawn as her religious zealot father watches from the porch. To me, that's like the exact opposite of shy (or the recorded behavior of GARBO). Come to think of it, I can't believe I used to feel sorry for ol' tall dark and hairy, especially after the way he grabs a sad sack in his sleeping bag in this movie, spins him over his head in a circle a couple times and then throws him into a sharp branch, impaling him like a campfire marshmallow on a twig. Let's not even mention the whole bashing two knife holding Girl Scouts together so that they stab each other routine. C'mon Sasquatch, that's just sick…
It's true that the script is borderline Neanderthal and that the acting is all around lame, but I have to confess that when a film looks this much like late seventies porn, I can let stuff like that slide. I'm not saying that there are not scenes here that will bore normal humans to near tears, but seriously IT HAS THE GREATEST ENDING EVER FILMED!!! If the special effects were just a little bit better, it would blow that whole raft scene from THE BURNING right out of the water. Just when you think you've seen it all and are ready to call it a day, ol' Biggy crashes a cabin and literally beats the living daylights out of the entire cast. I'm not kidding; he throttles the stuffing out of them. He rips out one guy's intestines and actually starts beating his friends with it. A lady gets a pitch fork shoved up her backside, another guy gets his face pushed into a burning stove, and it's all done in hilarious slow motion while Bigfoot roars his furry head off. I've never seen anything like it. It's like an ITCHY & SCRATCHY cartoon come to life, and I can't wait to watch it again.
As much as the professionalism of DEMON leaves something to be desired, I have to give credit where credit is due. Even beyond its obvious value as a gore flick, I respect the obvious effort to create something a bit different. The entire tale is basically a flashback story that not only has flashback stories within the flashback story, but also dreams within the flashbacks within the stories or something like that. If that weren't enough, we're also privy to "Bigfoot Vision," that's when you see the woods through a blood red circle. Even if you were to remove the delicious violence, I must thank the makers of this movie for introducing me to the character of "Crazy Wanda" who chomps on candy, looks like the lead singer of THE DIVINYLS and gives birth to the monster's baby. She alone would have made this picture worthwhile. (I should point out that even though Bigfoot raped crazy Wanda, when he's not killing people he brings her presents nearly everyday).
You may read bad reviews of this movie elsewhere, but pay them no mind; those people are lying to you. I don't know why or to what end, but they are lying through their teeth! NIGHT OF THE DEMON is amazing…
…it will break its foot off in your A$$!!!
Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Eric (a.k.a. FilmFather) on Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot
In the long-standing tradition of how even bad movies can have trailers that scare the crap out of kids…
During the Bigfoot craze of the '70s, a docu-drama was released in 1977 called SASQUATCH: THE LEGEND OF BIGFOOT. I never saw the film as a kid, but a scene at the end of the trailer stuck in my mind for the rest of my childhood. I couldn't find the trailer online (it was removed from YouTube), but the scene I remember is in the actual film. Check out the intro to SASQUATCH below, and jump to the 1:40 mark:
The freeze-frame on the monstrous silhouette…that howling cry…the zoom of the title…somebody hold me…I'm so cold…
As a kid, I had nightmares of that shadow appearing at the top my attic stairs so many times; I swore that before I rediscovered this footage, I thought Bigfoot was in a stairwell in this scene, not in the woods.
For those who want to see this supposedly sub-par film, it's available on YouTube starting HERE
UNK SEZ: I remember this one! I'll never forget the image of Bigfoot standing on a hill and throwing rocks down at people, and at the time, I had no problem believing that the whole thing was real. By the way FilmFather, you've really opened up a can of hairy worms over here at Kindertrauma Castle, we are now fully engulfed in Bigfoot mania as you will soon see. Bigfoot movies and especially the G-rated faux documentary types like this one, and my personal favorite THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK, really capture a specific time that is sorely missed. I used to be very impressed with Bigfoot, now it seems that he only does broad comedy and prefers parts were he plays a buffoon. He's like the JOHN C. REILLY of the cryptozoology set! Well, it's about time he's remembered as the true traumatizer that he was born to be! Stay tuned!
P.S.: For more of our kinderpal Eric (who recently reviewed the awesome GRIZZLY!) go stop by his neck of the woods @ FilmFather!
Name That Trauma :: Kinderpal Mickster on a Story Record Involving a Guy Turned Into a Werewolf With a Bloody Pentagram in the Palm of His Hand
I grew up living on a cul-de-sac in a small southern town. My parents were very strict about knowing where I was at all times and this was before child abductions were all over the news. In the summer time, my mother didn't allow me to stay in the house during the day if the weather was pleasant. As soon as I was dressed and had breakfast I was pushed out the door and only allowed to come inside for lunch or bathroom breaks.
Well, I had away around that problem when I played with the girls next door. Their babysitter allowed them to play in her house when they wanted. If the day were particularly hot, we would retreat into the house to play. We mostly played with our Barbie's, but sometimes we would listen to story records.
There were two records in particular that we listened to in order to scare ourselves out of our wits. One was "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF and the other I can't identify (It was about a guy turning into a werewolf).
We would turn out the lights and close the curtains to make it as dark as possible. The younger of the two sisters was quite a whinier so we would do our best to freak her out, unfortunately, most of the time we ended up freaking ourselves out in the process.
I was fortunate enough to find "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF on-line recently. I can't find the other record though. All I remember about it is that some guy turns into a werewolf and they describe a bloody pentagram in the palm of his hand.
I would be eternally grateful if someone could identify this story record for me. I have faith that Unkle Lancifer, Aunt John, or the readers of Kindertrauma will be able to help solve this mystery.
UNK SEZ: Mickster, it's sort of a shot in the dark but I was able to track down these two werewolf records. Let me know if either looks familiar. I also found THIS WEBSITE which is devoted to "Power Records." The cool thing is that in the case of "The Curse of the Werewolf" you can not only read the comic found inside, but also listen to the record as well. I gave it a listen, but unfortunately there was no mention of that bloody pentagram on the palm that you vividly recall, so this is probably not the one you're looking for. (It's a fun listen just the same). Does anyone out there remember this record kinderpal Mickster is looking for? If so, drop us a line, either in the comment section or via email! Good luck Mickster!
STATUS: SOLVED! (yeah Mickster!!!) See comments section for more info.
Name That Trauma :: Reader Jory on a Man-Melting Robot
When I was very young I saw something that was absolutely disturbing on my friend's television. From what I remember, it was a commercial for a movie or show about evil robots. I remember most of the shots being scary, but one shot in particular disturbed me. It was a shot of a black, classic looking robot with very square shoulders and a triangular head melting a man in front of his family. The robot had its hands on his shoulders and was pushing him into the ground. The man was down to his waist and the rest of him was a circular steaming puddle. He looked to be in agony.
UNK SEZ: Yikes, that sounds like another hard one. Does anybody out there know of what Jory speaks? If so, leave a comment or send an email. I've never heard of a robot that can turn a man into a steaming puddle. I thought robots only attacked old people to use their medicine for fuel. In fact, I don't even know why the scientists make them…