kindertrauma

The Gate II

Posted on By unkle lancifer


The original THE GATE is one heck of a movie. It's aimed at a young audience but I doubt there's many people out there of any age who could resist its charms. It's genuinely funny, the effects are amazingly creative and the whole thing just bounces around like a superball. THE GATE II which shares the same director and the same writer, is a likable enough film, but it never comes close to reaching the frothy highs of it's predecessor. In fact, it's kinda depressing where the original is borderline giddy. It also goes against everything sequels are supposed to do by scaling things down instead of expanding into other territories. LOUIS TRIPP, who played the nerdy sidekick Terrence in the original GATE, is now playing the lead in this somber "monkey's paw" tale. Terrence, using dark magic, tries to better his life but all of his wishes, after coming true, literally (and I do mean literally) turn to shit. While there was a bunch of little minion creatures scrambling around in the first picture, we are now allotted only one, and even though his first appearance is stellar, the effects in this movie seem to slide downward in quality as the film progresses. I still really enjoy the dark fantasy elements that abound that sometime recall PHANTASM, though honestly its climactic hell zone final scenes more closely resemble a TENACIOUS D video. The real saving grace is the cast. TRIPP is a nice change of pace for a leading man and the ubiquitous PAMELA SEGALL, who currently voices BOBBY on KING OF THE HILL, is adorable as hell. Even the two bad guy/bully-threats are appealing, especially SIMON REYNOLDS as the sympathetic hyena laughing Moe. Maybe it was his heart condition that got to me, but I actually found myself happy that he survives intact. In some ways THE GATE II perfectly reflects the awkward stage right after a joyful adolescence when life's realities begin to rear their ugly heads. TRIPP's mother is dead, his friend's house lies abandoned across the street and we learn that he came home recently to find his father with a gun in his mouth. All this is done rather sincerely but let's face it, it's not exactly the fun parade. More of a side installment or offshoot then a proper continuation, THE GATE II would be a nifty extra feature on the original movie's DVD menu, but I can't blame the die-hard fans of the first installment for being a little less then overwhelmed.

  • Hockey gear is used to handle the minion
  • Forcing the minion to get high and the subsequent automobile accident
  • Moe pays for his fancy snails and the moolah turns into a pile of shit
  • The RAY HARRYHAUSEN-inspired human sacrifice climax

Traumafessions :: Absinthe of Gloomy Sunday on Rubber Hands & Elevators

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

In our hometown mall there was always one corner that was a little darker, gloomier than the other and this corner housed our Woolworth's store.  At Halloween time they put on the requisite window display and it was pretty tame considering.  But one year they put out a black velvet cloth and from under was creeping a hand.  No blood, no sharp implements nothing – but my sister saw me gazing at it with rapt attention and then began to tease me that the hand was going to follow me home and hide under my bed, the hand was going to get me. And after that I had months of nightmares where the hand was following me, the hand was hiding just out of my sight.  So one of the most traumatic moments of childhood had to do with the disembodied hand.

The 1974 movie EARTHQUAKE also did me in – I couldn't ride in an elevator for a long time after watching this one.  In one scene they show people in an elevator during the quake and the cables break and it plunges them to their doom. As a special, extra-cheesy 1970's effect they put big red splotches over the scene to ram home to the viewer that yes these people died, were mashed to bits, no more.  I rewatched the movie recently and was amused at how hokey the scene really was – but to a five year old, pure fear. 

UNK SEZ: Fellow LOTTD member Absinthe is the mastermind behind GLOOMY SUNDAY a brilliant spot that takes an exhaustive look at the world of Gothic romances. There's always something new there and besides Absinthe's penetrating observations, visitors are treated to an impressive catalog of those groovy gothic paperback covers of yesteryear. Add a little darkness to your day and drop by!
 

Traumafessions :: Reader Nat on "Maneater" by Hall & Oates

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Absurd though it may sound, the Hall & Oates song "Maneater" traumatized me so much that I actually stopped listening to the radio. I used to listen to the radio all the time, but once that song came out, and once I heard it late at night (which, given my age at the time, was probably like 8 or 9pm), it freaked me out so badly that I had to enter a self-enforced radio silence for fear that the song might come on again. I was, of course, taking the lyrics too literally; my metaphor glands had not dropped yet.


UNK SEZ: Dear Nat: I know many people who claim to be scared of John Oates' awesome mustache, but I have never heard of anyone being afraid of the smooth as velvet, blue-eyed soul, pop masterpiece "Maneater." I always thought the song brought in the happy thoughts like NATASSIA KINSKI in PAUL SCHRADER's CAT PEOPLE (which was also released in 1982) or that awesome video game that looked like a shark's face also entitled MANEATER. I do feel your pain though. I've mentioned before my on going adverse reaction to THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT, but it seems your feeling towards "Maneater" more closely resembles my own for Paul McCartney and Wings' horrifically spooky-toned song "Let 'Em In"…you know, "Someone's knocking on the door, somebody's ringing the bell…do me a favor, open the door and let 'em in…" I remember hearing this song on my little transistor radio as a kid and being terrified by who might be behind said door (This being the seventies I was pretty sure it was Satan himself). Some nice youtuber made a mash-up of the song with a Beatles cartoon in which they are confronted by Frankenstein, the Wolfman and a bunch of other ghouls. Although it amounts to exactly zero in the sense making department, I think it perfectly illustrates what was going on inside my wee little brain at the time. (To be honest the song's lazy marching beat still gives me the willies). To experience the creepy horror go HERE, otherwise you can always revisit your own unhappy place HERE. The sad news is, just like with my trauma song, you can be sure that "Maneater," due to its popularity is never, ever, ever, going to go away!

UPDATE: The original WINGS' version of "Let Em In" is no longer scary to me now that I have witnessed BERT PARKS' performance of the same song at the 1976 Miss America Pageant. Only those who do not have residual LSD locked in their spinal cord should venture HERE!!!

Child of Glass

Posted on By aunt john

child of glass

Preface: Back when KINDERTRAUMA was just a mere glint in your Unkle Lancifer's aquamarine eyes, he asked your Aunt John to come up with a short list of movies, T.V. shows, etc. that terrified me as a tot. Aside from my usual suspects of Spelling-Goldberg produced mayhem, and that Little House on the Prairie freak-out episode, your Aunt John would always come back to 1978 Wonderful World of Disney T.V.-movie CHILD OF GLASS. I vividly remember it always aired around Halloween time, usually in tandem with THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW. Unfortunately, your Unkle Lancifer had never heard of this gem, and the folks at Disney, after releasing it on VHS in the '80s, seem content to leave it locked away in their mythical vaults alongside SONG OF THE SOUTH. I had honestly given up on ever seeing and writing about it, until it was recently brought to my attention that a near complete copy of it had made its way onto the youtubes. Catch it soon before it disappears again for another 30 years. Scratch that; it looks like it's already been removed.

Shortly after Alexander Armsworth (STEVE SHAW) and his family take up residence in an old-timey Southern plantation, presumably somewhere near New Orleans or anywhere where exaggerated Cajun accents are commonplace, our pre-teen hero realizes that he has the gift of the sixth sense. Yes, he can see dead people, but unfortunately for him, he can only see the ghost of an insanely bossy Creole girl named Inez Dumaine (OLIVIA BARASH). According to the sad yarn Inez spins, her uncle was a river pirate, she was the victim of foul play and unless Alexander can solve her mysterious riddle ("Sleeping lies the murdered lass, vainly calls the child of glass. When the two shall be as one, the spirit's journey will be done") by midnight on Halloween, she will haunt him with her off-key renditions of Frère Jacques for an eternity. Did I mention she's really bossy?  Fortunately, Alexander's bespectacled pal Blossom Culp (KATHY KURTZMAN) has a knack for crystal ball gazing and the duo sets out to solve Inez's brainteaser. They correctly surmise that Inez is the murdered lass, and they make the obligatory trek to the super-creepy mausoleum in which she is entombed, but the second part about the child of glass has the precocious pair stumped. By the time Alexander puts two and two together and figures out the child of glass is Inez's doll, a bitter ex-employee of his parents shows up to torch the family barn. Alexander escapes the arsonist by tumbling down a long-abandoned well in an adjacent building on the property. His family assumes the worst until brainy Blossom shows up and peers down the well. Like a scene not found in THE DESCENT, Blossom is lowered down the well with some laundry line and she rescues both Alexander and Inez's missing dolly.  When the pair returns to the cemetery to reunite Inez with her child of glass, they stumble ass first into the angry arsonist who wants Alexander dead so he cannot testify as a witness in any subsequent barn burning trials. Inez materializes just in time to scare off the attacker, caterwaul another chorus of Frère Jacques, and repay the kindness of Alexander and Blossom with the stash of diamonds concealed in her doll.

  • THE WIZARD OF OZ meets THE RING insanity that ensues when Blossom's crystal ball play replays the death of Inez
  • Blossom's Motley Crue-esque make-up for said crystal ball gazing
  • Inez and Alexander's uncomfortable waltz at his parents' cotillion
  • Cemetery chase scene in which Blossom trips to enhance the suspense

The Creepy Kids Of The X-Files

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Has it really been 15 years since THE X-FILES originally premiered? The first time we received a TRAUMAFESSION regarding the show, my initial thought was that its author didn't understand the concept behind KINDERTRAUMA. "These are supposed to be memories from your childhood!" I thought. Then I did some quick math in my head and experienced an extreme case of accelerated decrepitude. Between you and me, I was so shocked that I grew an instantaneous long grey beard and developed the need for a cane. Regardless, for many people of variant ages, THE X FILES was one of the greatest things that ever happened to television. Maybe not every fan stuck around for the series' entire run but in it's heyday, CHRIS CARTER's creation proved that the small tube was well able to carry ideas and indeed characters that far surpassed in complexity those that could usually be found in movie theaters. In its nine year run the show also proved time and again that when it wanted to be scary it could easily blow your socks off. I'm sure we'll be getting many more TRAUMAFESSIONS concerning the series in the years to come. Holy crap, who can forget the episode "Squeeze" and the slippery, body morphing evolutionary freakazoid Eugene Tooms? Certainly not me!


Throughout its T.V. tenure, THE X-FILES had the opportunity to investigate just about every known and unknown monstrosity that lies within the human subconscious and yes, the show did indulge us with several episodes concerning "creepy kids." The best example can be found in it's very first season in an episode entitled "Eve," in which our trusted agents investigate the death of a little girl's father whose demise resembles a traditional alien cattle mutilation. Upon inspection it is learned that a similar unexplained bloodletting happened at the exact same time 3,000 miles away. Stranger still is the fact that that victim's daughter is a dead ringer for the first little girl. Secret experimental cloning is involved and the mastermind behind the ungodly deeds is one Dr. Sally Kendrick played to the hilt by serious force of nature HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS. (The band EVE6 is actually named after one of this character's psychotic clones). It turns out that the adult Eves (apparently there are Adams running around as well) are the least of Mulder and Scully's problems, the two aforementioned little girls are not only near geniuses and psychically linked, but also homicidal soda spikers as well. The episode rather brilliantly leads the viewer down several false paths before revealing the true nature of its threat and ends on a truly ominous note that involves the girls' catch phrase, "We just knew."

The two young actresses ERIKA and SABRINA KRIEVENS who were 9 at the time of filming and YIKES, 24 today, are small marvels that bring to mind tiny bookend LILY TAYLORs. Unlike most creepy kid's patented cold as ice deliveries, there is a routinely smirky tone to their performances that make you think they just love the evil they are partaking in. There are many outstanding stand alone X-FILES episodes, but few are as entertaining as this first season calling card.


Another far less successful creepy kid episode appears in the same season; "Born Again" brings us a little girl who is in actuality the reincarnation of wronged police officer who is out for revenge. Although she does sport some nifty CARRIE-type telekinetic powers, compared to the earlier "Eve," this is all pretty humdrum. Highlights include death by scarf caught in bus door (have we done a death by scarf list yet?), an appearance by Janice from FRIENDS as an annoying cop who looks like AMY WINEHOUSE and a television image recording of the last thing a guy saw when he was being drowned in a fish tank (so why is the plastic diver suit guy not upside down?). The climax is filmed in a sort of herky jerky and mostly sloppy supernatural reenactment show style that THE X FILES had already outgrown at this point. It's not a total disaster, but it is comparably skippable.


Season five brought a much-ballyhooed episode written by STEPHEN KING. As a lowly blog beast, I find it hard, if not ridiculous, to critique a man who is quite simply the greatest figure in the realm of horror since…ever (sorry Poe, but you're dead). And yet, this episode?…not exactly his best work. Even though it does open with the exciting premise of a vacation in Maine for overworked Scully, it's got to be the most clichéd killer doll story ever created. THE TWILIGHT ZONE's "Talky Tina" (yea I thought it was "Talking Tina" too!) can rest easy on her throne. Scully and Mulder's phone conversations are a hoot, but the damned doll's "Let's play" charge is knee-jerk at best. Add that the killings tend to take place whenever the hokey-pokey song plays and you got something really well…hokey. Sorry Mr. King I hope I'm still welcome over at the homestead for Thanksgiving!

Throughout its run THE X-FILES continued with some decidedly less threatening male kids; Season 5's episode "The End," the last one filmed in Vancouver (sob!), had a telepathic boy and season 9's MOTW episode "Scary Monsters" introduced us to a kid who could conjure up any creature that popped into his head ala THE TWILIGHT ZONE classic "It's a Good Life" with BILLY MUMY. All in all, as far as creepy kids go SCULLY and MULDER hit their peak in season one with those endurable Eve girls. Don't believe me? I suggest you watch them all again and see for yourself, thanks to the fact that all nine seasons are available on DVD, the truth is out there.

Traumafessions :: Reader Turnidoff on Madame

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Being born in 1973, I came across a barrage of horrifying images on T.V.: The Zuni Doll from TRILOGY OF TERROR, DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW, The "V" TWINS! — but nothing was more damming to my psyche than the WAYLAND FLOWERS abomination: MADAME

Pure terror to a toddler.  When her freakish gaping maw was shut, her face looked like two large people screwing each other.  I quickly would change the channel to let's say, Mr. Rogers, but wait!… There's LADY ELAINE FAIRCHILDE, the lesser freakish sister of MADAME.  Ahrgh! I can't win.

I dare you to try to hold in your screams when you look at MADAME's home site…

I dare you.

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Turnidoff, you are right. MADAME is scary as hell, but she's also notoriously difficult to work with. Based on legends that exist solely within my alcohol-rattled mind, she was, in fact, the first choice to star in the film adaptation of STEPHEN KING's MISERY. Lo and behold, a young moxie-filled, opportunistic KATHY BATES did a bit of an ALL ABOUT EVE number on the aged puppet and snatched that part right out of her puppet hands by seducing a then-naive meathead named ROB REINER.



Shed no tears for MADAME though, it turns out she had more than one shot at being a cinematic legend. Rumors that originate from the bottom of the glass that I am swilling tell tales of her being thrown off of the set of BRIAN DE PALMA's CARRIE and being replaced by a young ingénue named PIPER LAURIE due to hysterical fits over the limitation of the film's budget for TAB!!!!

UPDATE: as suggested by "sbd"…

Name That Trauma :: Kitty On Castrating Witch-Faced Girl

Posted on By unkle lancifer

name that trauma!

Dearest Kinderbabies:

Every time I view your site (it's much more than merely a blog, really), I find something new and excellent to play with. I've been reading through the Name That Trauma section, and I think I have a title to add to the list…

The movie was clearly dubbed, but I can't remember (I was 5) if the original language was French or Italian. All I remember about the movie is that it centers around a little girl who, at night, becomes possessed by something evil. Her appearance changes while she is under the influence of the spirit; she takes on the persona of an old witch or something – it's totally weird. On one of her late night killing jaunts, she hacks off a dude's wiener and stuffs it into her chest of drawers all wrapped in a handkerchief. The next thing I remember is the little girl receiving the Death Blow (while possessed by the Old Witch Thing). She then changes back to the sweet, little girl, and utters her final words: "now I can die in peace," or something to that effect.

Any ideas??

Kitty has faith in you.

UNK L SEZ: Dearest Kitty of our new favorite haunt KILLER KITTENS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, I actually know the answer to that one! (It happens!) That is most certainly DEMON WITCH CHILD (unless there's two demonic child witch movies that feature a castration). It's actually a Spanish flick directed by AMANDO DE OSSORIO, the guy responsible for all those groovy blind-dead movies. It was recently made available on DVD as part of a bargain priced set called The Grindhouse Experience Volume 1 that also includes the kinder-fave movie THE CHILDREN. We've yet to properly cover that particular killer kid flick here @ Kindertrauma but keep your eyes peeled, it's definitely in the cards!


UPDATE: Our Darling Kitty has now posted a wonderful, comprehensive review of DEMON WITCH CHILD over at KILLER KITTENS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. Make sure you take time to CHECK IT OUT!

Traumafessions :: Reader Tracy V. on Ovions

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Although the Cylons have made your Official Traumatizer list, they're not what gave me the heebie jeebies. In the 1978 movie, the Galactica crew and assorted refugees stop off at a supposedly friendly planet. But, no, the aliens aren't friendly–they want to EAT the Earthlings! The scene that freaked me out involved the discovery that the aliens were stuffing the humans into glass fronted drawers, covering them with cobwebs, and digesting them. My aunt took my cousin and me to see the movie, and I was supposed to spend the night at their house, but the dessicated, cobwebby corpses so frightened me that I had my mom come and take me home.

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Tracy, you are correct to be afraid of those nasty Ovions. At least Cylons are absolutely clear about their intentions (when they're not pretending they want peace whilst implementing a holocaust), Ovions on the other hand are downright sneaky. First they set up a gambling joint where you can't loose, then they provide you with awesome entertainment in the form of singers with four eyes and two mouths and then, when you're all relaxed and fattened, they nab you in the elevator and turn you into baby Ovion food! Give me a straightforward Cylon any day over those two-faced, backstabbing rat finks! (They are very good harp players though!)

Kinder-News :: Murder Loves Killers Too/Artist Stephen Romano

Posted on By unkle lancifer




I can't really vouch for MURDER LOVES KILLERS TOO cuz I haven't seen it yet, but it appears to be getting some encouraging buzz and it's great to see an independent movie really going for the gusto in the scares department. Check out its trailer HERE; it's obviously made on a limited budget but it looks like it knows where to go and how to get there. What I really feel I have to bring to your attention are its gorgeous retro movie posters done by artist STEPHEN ROMANO. Look there's even a faux Italian one! I love these things and when I say love, I mean super love. For more on STEPHEN ROMANO and his super amazing creations, there's a bucketload of more coolness HERE and HERE In non- MLKT news, who amongst you would not drive a car over your grandmother in order to see a film about killer raccoons?

Traumafessions :: Reader Kurt on Old Severe Weather Warnings

Posted on By aunt john

Kids in this high-tech age don't know how coddled they are when severe weather is forecast!  Today, you've got all these electronic graphics with little maps in the corner, crawls across the screen, and now and then a weatherbabe (or weatherguy) may come on to give logical, reasoned updates.

Not so when I was a kid in the '70s.

Even for a Severe Thunderstorm Watch, the programming would stop, the TV screen would fill with some ominous-looking graphic (still, of course, no movement back in those days) screaming whatever watch/warning it was in all caps, vivid colors…and worst of all, that infernal, screaming, shrill Emergency Broadcasting Service tone!  Then usually an announcer with The Voice Of Doom would come on and provide the "public service" of warning us all of impending tornadoes, damaging winds and large hail that were SURELY going to target the house you lived in and make Dorothy's tornado in THE WIZARD OF OZ about as scary as a silent fart.

Almost as bad were the "ALL CLEAR" statements that would come on-screen when the danger was supposedly past…except that the graphics were usually in more soothing shades of green and white.

The fake warnings created on YouTube are laughable compared to the horrifying simplicity of the bulletins back in the 1970s that made me want to scream running for the cellar – and, worse, my parents made me watch them because it was "educational"!