kindertrauma

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Chris S. on Candyman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

candy man

After seeing CANDYMAN I slept in my parent's room for months and I was afraid to use the bathroom at night for a long time. I must have seen this movie when I was too young because I thought all of it was real. I really believed he could jump out of the mirror and grab me and I would never be seen again. My parents told me that it was just a movie but I didn't care what they said. I would always try to pee as fast as I could and run out of the bathroom before he got me.

Official Traumatizer:: Cylons

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Cylons
Cylons really have evolved. For those not familiar, Cylons are cybernetic beings bent on mankind's extermination in both the 1978 television space opera BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and the current successful RONALD D. MOORE reboot. Today's mostly more humanoid Cylon is verging on sympathetic; sure, they kill infants in their carriages, but there is a method to their madness all the same. Retro Cylons had one track minds and no room for introspection. Both make fascinating foes but only the earlier model can claim the title OFFICIAL TRAUMATIZER. Children's love/hate response to the original series' bad guys was instantaneous. What kid could resist something so damn shiny? Cylons had really cool robot voices ("By your command…") drove ships that looked like manta rays and had awesome clear plastic bayonets to stab you with. You almost wanted to join them on their mission to rub out the less flashy (earth tones were "in" back then) Colonials. Cylons owed much of their hypnotic power to a digital red cyclops eye that bounced around like a Pong game under their metallic Trojan warrior inspired helmets. Admittedly, sometimes you did catch their pants falling down or walking into a wall or two, but that's alright, they looked great on bubble gum cards. They may seem hackneyed and quaint by today's standards but be honest with yourself, who would be scarier to bump into in a dark ally, the va va voom TRICIA HELFER or these guys….
leader Cylon
THE IMPERIOUS LEADER was a fabricated facsimile of the original Serpentine Cylon race that died out(a fact that is news to me and proves I'm not as nerdy as one would think). He's usually shown only from the back or in long shots because creator GLEN A.LARSON thought his face looked like crap.
gold cylons
CYLON CENTURIONS were programmed to traumatize. The silver ones wanted to kill you and the gold ones (CYLON COMMANDERS) super wanted to kill you. There was one nice Cylon centurion named "Cy"(GALACTICA 1980's ep: "The Return of Starbuck") but he died (weep!).
lucifer cylon
LUCIFER was an I-L series cylon who couldn't fight but hung out in the background making snarky comments. (Naturally he is my personal favorite.) He was voiced by JONATHAN HARRIS (Dr.Smith of LOST IN SPACE) and was nearly as gay as C3-PO. He had a horrible jealous streak and really hated a fellow I-L series guy named SPECTER. Check out those cool blinky lights in his brain!
daggit muffit
The classic Cylon model may have been hibernating for decades but, as THIS COMMERCIAL warns, payback time is imminent. With several RECENT CAMEOS on the new series under their belts and a promised prequel-y spin off on the horizon, these OFFICIAL TRAUMATIZERS' finest hour may be yet to come! SO SAY WE ALL!

Kinder-news:: Retro Slashers Is Back!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Like a blood thirsty maniac between sequels, JOHN KLYZA's RETRO SLASHERS has been misleadingly quiet as of late. Turns out it was just gathering momentum for the big pounce. Any self respecting horror fan that does not CHECK OUT THE REVAMP NOW needs their head severed, I mean, examined. RETRO has clearly come back to kick ass and chew bubble gum and it's sooooooo out of bubble gum!

Official Traumatizer :: Time for Timer

Posted on By aunt john

time for timer
As a child of the ‘70s, your Aunt John has super fond memories of wearing footed-pajamas, chowing down on Count Chocula and getting totally lost in the cartoon offerings of ABC each and every Saturday. Without fail, between airings of CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS IN OUTER SPACE, the normally enjoyable morning was marred by the unwanted appearance of the insanely self-righteous, stovepipe-hat wearing freak of nature known as TIMER. Shaped not unlike a colostomy bag with a set of toothpick legs, TIMER's platform was all about the importance of nutrition. Tellingly, the bloated TIMER never seemed to practice what he preached and spent most of his time singing the praises of cheese (Note to TIMER: A generation of undiagnosed, lactose-intolerant kids know a good place where you can stick your "wagon wheel"). Like many mad-with-power, wish-granting linguistic Nazi warlocks before him, TIMER liked to feign confusion while turning innocent children who wanted to EAT banana splits into actual banana splits. Whether these banana-split transformations were permanent is unknown, but the level of mental and physical pain these narcissistic whims caused his victims can be read on their shocked, banana-split denied faces. TIMER was never shy about exploring internal organs (Who thought this was a good idea?) and initially got his start in the 1973 ABC AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL: THE INCREDIBLE, INDELIBLE, MAGICAL, PHYSICAL MYSTERY TRIP (starring kinder-fave KIM RICHARDS), where two kids are taken on a nauseatingly intimate journey through the plumbing of their Uncle Carl. Gross, right? TIMER then followed up this chestnut of a traumatizer with 1974's THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TRIP THROUGH LITTLE RED'S HEAD, which was even more disgusting. I hate you TIMER, and all of your promises of "Sunshine on a Stick." It never worked… you twisted, hypocritical Fig Newton wannabe!
For those interested in more of TIMER's shenanigans, please check out the highly informative EDUCATION, 80's STYLE (be warned… it's pretty old school, and you will need Real Media Player).

The Shuttered Room

Posted on By unkle lancifer

shuttered rooml
Based on a "posthumous collaboration" between H.P. LOVECRAFT and AUGUST DERLETH, 1967's THE SHUTTERED ROOM gained mucho frequent frightener miles during repeated television airings in the seventies. Susannah Kelton (CAROL LYNLEY) and her husband Mike (GIG YOUNG) return to her recently inherited childhood home on Dunwich Island in hopes that the property can be used as a summer retreat. It's clear upon their arrival that the local yokels are not too keen on city folk, as they try to ward the couple off with tales of an ancient curse and stories of a demon that's fond of burning one's eyes out. The native islander's inhospitality eventually expands to include unneighborly rape attempts on young LYNLEY whenever she's left alone. The biggest bully in the bunch is a swaggering, contorted cousin doing a swishy MARLON BRANDO impersonation named Ethan (OLIVER REED). Luckily, long in the tooth Hubby GIG is quick with cornball karate moves and is able to extinguish most of these pre-STRAW DOGS advances. The dwelling in question , which we really do not get to spend enough time in, is an ominous, genuinely spooky and sufficiently LOVECRAFT-IAN looking beast. The creaky witch lighthouse of old Aunt Agatha (FLORA ROBSON) is equally convincing in helping the U.K surroundings masquerade as New England. Unfortunately, the mostly British cast (some badly dubbed) don't fare quite as well. DAVID GREENE's direction offers some disturbing P.O.V. shots of whatever is hiding in the wings ready to pounce and the unlikely jazz score works well to establish a tone of near constant disorientation. LOVECRAFT's vision (even his questionable posthumous vision) is notoriously hard to pull off on screen (STUART GORDON excepted). THE SHUTTERED ROOM doesn't do much to change that theory and it's not because all the ingredients are not in place and ready to go. Hanging out with the townies while we should be investigating the titular room is eventually wearing. By the time the shock climax is unwrapped, viewers can be forgiven if they forgot they were watching a horror film at all. Although the entire affair is begging to be streamlined (could the shorter edit BLOOD ISLAND be an improvement?), THE SHUTTERED ROOM is offbeat and strange enough that it's reputation to unnerve is not that hard to fathom.
indelible scenes

  • Road skiing leads to barbed wire wipe out
  • One-eyed welder on the welcoming committee
  • Reed's obscene jeans
  • Aunt Agatha's crazy-faced bird
  • Hiding in the dollhouse
  • Teddy bear torch! Best invention ever!

shuttered rooml

Sparrows

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

fly sparrows fly!
In case you thought the concept of "kindertrauma" was something new under the sun, here's a silent picture from 1926 to dispel that notion. SPARROWS sings the tale of Mother Molly (MARY PICKFORD) the eldest in a group of orphans being abused at the hands of a sinister Dickensian "baby farm" overlord named Mr. Grimes (seriously creepy GUSTAVE VON SEYFFERITZ). Realizing that he's in danger of having his racket found out, meanie Grimes intends to destroy the evidence by dumping the kids in his care into the deadly swamp that surrounds his farm. Mary orchestrates a harrowing escape through said swamp and Grimes, realizing one of the tots has blackmail value gives chase. The murky crocodile minefield provides plenty of peril and thrilling narrow escapes for the plucky proto-final girl PICKFORD whose every hurdle only inspires more determination. Heavily influenced by German expressionist cinema and a guiding source of inspiration for the equally exquisite NIGHT OF THE HUNTER, SPARROWS is a dark fairy tale whose patches of humor keep it miraculously buoyant. PICKFORD, who was in reality 34 at the time, delivers her last juvenile performance and she's a real head-butting scrapper. She's actually hilarious on more than one occasion which is a marvel considering the oppressive, yet undeniably gorgeous surroundings created by set designer HARRY OLIVER. It's hard to beat a dense gothic swamp as a perfect environment to display both the beauty and casual cruelty of nature and director WILLIAM BEAUDINE uses it to his advantage at regular intervals. True, a superfluous boat chase and leisurely epilogue can't compete with the film's earlier high points in the swamp, but it's only fair to allow PICKFORD and her crew a happy ending. Heavy with religious themes (the big J.C. even makes a cameo), the title itself refers to God's unavailability to aid the kids because of his preoccupation with every sparrow that falls. (One kid inquires why sparrows got such pull with the man upstairs). In the end, it seems God may have not been so busy after all, but I still think Mother Molly deserves the lion's share of the credit. Gee, a world where religion is shown as a source of inspiration and hope rather than a cloak to excuse ratty behavior? You gotta love those olden timey days! 
  
   
          

KINDER-NEWS:: "Temple Of Doom" Sucks Less Than "Last Crusade"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

leave Indy alone
Everyone accepts that there are certain lies we have to pretend are true in order to get along in the world; giant, smelly falsities that are presented as public knowledge which one must humor in order to escape lynching and being burned at the stake. I can bite my tongue when folks say JULIA ROBERTS is beautiful or that RON HOWARD is a good director just to keep the social wheels greased and my head off the chopping block. I'll even let unfair criticisms of TOBE HOOPER slide when I'm in the right mood. Unfortunately, I can not hide my ostrich head in the sand any longer concerning the reputation of INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. Are people (including Director STEVEN SPIELBERG) really currently in the process of rewriting history and claiming that it is the weakest of the Indy films? Really? How much crack to you have to smoke to come to that conclusion? I admit DOOM may not be as good as the original RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK but let's be fair, that had KAREN ALLEN, an evil monkey and melting Nazis. That's a formula that's not going to be bettered in our lifetimes, but to allege that DOOM is a lesser film to that bores-ville third installment is flimflammery and chicanery of the highest order and I won't stand for it any longer! DOOM is not the ginger-headed step child of the Indy franchise!
I won't go into why LAST CRUSADE is a bit of a dud because the idea of watching it again, in order to give it its fair shake, makes me snoozy. Suffice to say that the sewer of rats and that vapid blonde chick (ALISON "thanks for the free joke in your name" DOODY) really don't cut the mustard. Furthermore, downplaying the supernatural element and up-playing the heroic "BOND"-isms is all kinds of wrong. DOOM on the other hand at least carries the dark occult-ish baton from the original's final act and runs with it. Is it too dark? I guess if you are a CARE BEAR it might upset you. If you're over the age of just born though, you might find the darkness shown as a way to… I don't know present "DANGER" of some sort? SPIELBERG sites his then recent divorce for the tone of the film, well, you know what Steve, go with that feeling! You're really good at that dark stuff… DUEL, JAWS = masterpieces, that fluffy HOOK stuff, not so much. If you're going to distance yourself from one of your films, I'd go with THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Your corny contribution to that film was easily the weakest link. That might not seem like a big deal until you realize that you lost to a segment whose main star was actually decapitated by a helicopter propeller. If that doesn't give you a moment of pause to rethink the schmaltz level, I don't think anything will.
TEMPLE OF DOOM is partially responsible (go GREMLINS it's your birthday!) for the dumb PG-13 rating that alerts parents to the fact that a movie's violence will be almost comparable to that seen on television everyday. Its heart-ripping-out scene is supposedly gory but c'mon, what do you think we're paying money to see here KATE CAPSHAW? [Aunt John sez: "Umm, I did!"] This is an action adventure that is supposed to be based on pre-P.C. serials and its goal should be to kick it up a notch wherever and whenever it can. It shouldn't have to concern itself with tip-toeing for the sake of Aunt Tilly (her again!). The slave children, the drinking of blood and the possession of Indy himself are brought up as examples of this film's imaginary harsh tone. Meanwhile, there's wall to wall slapstick humor, a ridiculous romantic IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT subplot and a relentless barrage of precocious quips from SHORTROUND bouncing off the cave walls as well. We're not exactly talking DER TODESKING here; I think you can handle it. I guess it's the kindertraumatic angle that ruffles the most feathers. It does seem a little extreme when one of the slave children begs Indy to kill him so that he might be spared further anguish, but stop anybody at their place of work and ask them how they're doing and see if you don't get a similar response.
Every element maligned in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM is exactly what makes it great. Are we really so lame as to think singing chipmunks and dancing penguins are preferable entertainment for children than torture by whip, human sacrifice and voodoo mind control? What a sad state of affairs! Besides, just how family-friendly is Indy supposed to be? Wasn't much of the thrill of the first film derived from rotting corpses, hellish specters and yes, death by airplane propeller? With a new fourth installment in the can and ready to hit the multiplexes, it's far too late for those involved to hear my warning and respond by setting the compass back towards DOOM territory. I don't really care about that anyway, I'm going to assume the flick has been neutered beyond worth and hope for the best. The only thing that is important to me is that the truth is out there. If I disappear in the following weeks you'll know why. I can not live with myself if I don't speak out publicly, for all I know TEEN WITCH could be under fire next. So hear my words interwebs and may the guillotine fall where it may…THE TEMPLE OF DOOM does NOT suck more than THE LAST CRUSADE! Were you buying popcorn during the mine cart chase?
leave Indy alone
What can make earnest Indy swing his allegiance from his faux nuclear family (SHORT/WILLY) to a heathenistic cult of chanting shirtless sweaty men?… HUMAN BLOOD!
leave Indy alone
"Evil" Indy 500: from intellectually fetching to Uber-Dilf in 10 seconds!
leave Indy alone
The usually Mt. Rushmore-faced HARRISON FORD goes bananas in this movie. Y'all should get behind that shit!
leave Indy alone

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Kelly Ann on The Blob (1988)

Posted on By aunt john

 

blob
 

I guess I'm only confessing to this because, in hindsight, I realize it is tragically funny. I was seventeen and at boarding school, one lonely autumn weekend when the only two students not on home visits were myself, and my schoolmate Maggie, who was a horror movie connoisseur. I on the other hand, was more of THE SOUND OF MUSIC-type of gal. We decided to have movie night and as we trolled through the aisles at the video store, I picked up a dusty copy of THE BLOB, my thoughts being: "How scary can a big mass of goo be? All you do is outrun it!"     

I was a fool.

As we sat on the floor in the common room, munching popcorn and cider in our pajamas, we both sighed sadly when the two cutest guys in the movie were killed within the first 1/2 hour (no offense KEVIN DILLON). But with each passing scene my eyes grew wide and my blood ran cold. These people were sick! I huddled under a blanket with my eyes closed while Maggie cackled with a perverse glee. It felt like the longest 90 minutes of my life. The guy getting pulled into the sink and the little kid getting blobbed put me over the edge. After the credits rolled, my imagination was going 100 miles an hour and I dragged my pillow and blanket into Maggie's room and "slept" on her hard floor, but only after insisting that she place towels under the door crack less anything try and seep in.

Kinda sad that a senior in high school would have such a freak out about a movie, or maybe in a backwards way, it's a compliment to the writers. I still won't stick my hand down a sink!

 

UNKLE LANCIFER SEZ: Kelly Ann, you are preaching to the blob choir! We @ Kindertrauma are giant fans of 1988's THE BLOB! Thanks for the great traumafession and don't worry- you're never to old to get traumatized!Â