kindertrauma

The Nanny

Posted on By aunt john

 

bette davis, the nanny
Deemed by doctors to have an "inborn antipathy towards middle-aged females," young Joey Fane (WILLIAM DIX) is none too thrilled to be greeted by his arch-nemesis au pair (BETTE DAVIS) after a two-year stint at the home for disturbed children. It seems that Joey was institutionalized shortly after the bathtub drowning of his adorable baby sister, and his repeated assertions that the Nanny was responsible for the little girl's death completely fall on deaf ears. Nanny has been employed by the Fanes since mother Virgie (WENDY CRAIG) was a wee one, and Nanny's word is taken over that of young Joey's. He does manage to get one person to believe him, upstairs neighbor Bobbie (PAMELA FRANKLIN), but she, despite a propensity for smoking and allowing men on the street to peek up her skirt on the fire escape, is just fourteen years old and perceived as a silly child. After Joey's father is called out of town on business, all hell breaks loose in the Fane household as mother Virgie falls victim to what appears to be intentional food poisoning. Joey maintains it was Nanny, yet the incriminating bottle of medication found in his pillowcase would indicate otherwise. While mother is off getting her stomach pumped, Aunt Pen (short for Penelope) pops over to keep the peace between Joey and Nanny. Up until the arrival of Pen, the pendulum of credibility has swung squarely in Nanny's favor since it seems that Joey is nothing more than a petulant brat with a penchant for exaggeration. Once Pen catches Nanny lingering a little too long outside of Joey's room with a pillow, the realization sets in that the boy has been telling the truth all along. Nanny did have a hand in his sister's death, she did poison his mother, and she is trying to kill him. With the viewer firmly in Joey's corner, the remainder of the film dissolves into a campy romp as DAVIS drops the restrained facade and gleefully channels BABY JANE HUDSON while sadistically torturing Pen and Joey.
 

  • The mature banter between Joey and Bobbie is much more adult than the conversations held by the actual grown ups
  • Nanny grooms and feeds Virgie like she is a baby
  • Joey & Bobbie float a doll in the tub and give Nanny quite the scare
  • Nanny's confession to the captive Pen

Traumafessions :: Reader Freddie on the Spotmaker

Posted on By aunt john

During the mid-to-late 1970s, CALGONITE brand dishwasher detergent ran a series of TV ads featuring a creature known as THE SPOTMAKER. He was a spotted green man with an eerie echo-chamber voice that lived inside of dishwashers, putting spots on all fine dishware. His only nemesis was said dish-soap. He freaked me out so badly that I had to leave the room when he came on the TV.

Note to Freddie: It would appear that starring in CALGONITE brand dishwasher detergent commercials is not the dead-end gig one would assume it to be. Rather than retire, THE SPOTMAKER used his newfound notoriety as a springboard for a career rich in subliminal cameo appearances. A quick search of IMDB reveals the ubiquitous Riddler-like entity has appeared in over two hundred motion pictures, many of which are Kindertrauma favorites…

THE THING (1982)
THE SHINING (1980)
THE BLOB (1988)
FIRESTARTER (1984)
THE HUNGER (1983)
THE PIT (1981)
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
TROLL 2 (1990)
HELLRAISER (1987)
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE(1974)

The Thing's Monstrous Merchandise

Posted on By unkle lancifer

JOHN CARPENTER's THE THING's poor box office performance has been blamed time and time again on the fact that STEVEN SPIELBERG's E.T. was released two weeks prior. Although the diminutive Reeses Pieces pusher may not have helped matters much, it is more likely that bad merchandising judgment was the film's ultimate downfall. Looking back, it seems Universal (who also released E.T.) made every conceivable mistake while promoting their would-be summer blockbuster and only have themselves to blame if audiences were less than enthusiastic by the time the actual movie hit theaters. 

The first mistake was selling toy rights to Mattel instead of Kenner whose line of STAR WARS toys were an unmitigated success. Mattel, on the other hand, was well known for opportunist cheap knock offs and reusing the same toy molds OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In addition Mattel's history of translating science fiction characters into toys was QUESTIONABLE AT BEST. Rushed to meet a demand that was never to come, the toy company hobbled together an action figure using various pieces of pre-existing toys. In this case the unsuccessful BATTLESTAR GALACTICA line of figures were gutted and redressed and the results were abysmal. Due to dismal pre-orders from major department store chains, the doll was discontinued shortly after production. For years Mattel's THE THING action figure was a familiar sight in bargain bins across the nation. A recent visit to eBay confirmed the toy's continued worthlessness.
Perhaps Universal's biggest blunder was to scoff at-then mega star MICHAEL JACKSON when he approached them with an interest to do a musical tie-in to celebrate the release of THE THING. Not wanting to burn bridges with the artist, they offered him E.T. instead but informed Jackson that they were hellbent on securing sister LATOYA to do the honers of introducing the world to JOHN CARPENTER's vision. The result, LATOYA's "Outer Space Candy Party" was a catastrophe that resulted in the loss of hundreds of jobs. Music historians are quick to point out that the song may contain the earliest known example of "sampling" and is therefore ahead of its time, but having WILFORD BRIMLEY repeat "I'll kill you!" over a thumping disco beat does not a radio hit make and "Outer Space Candy Party" failed to make a dent in America. On the other hand, the song was a number one hit in Japan and spent the summer of '82 hovering just outside the U.K.'s top ten, although sales plummeted dramatically after THE SUN ran a bonfire inspiring article linking the tune with epileptic seizures and unexplained poltergeist activity.
This promotional T-shirt given away at early advanced screenings of THE THING was considered in bad taste by many. Ideas of mass marketing the apparel were shelved when it was found that nearly 97 percent of the free T-shirts were left discarded on the theater floor after the screening. Attempts to recycle the design as a maternity dress also went nowhere.
Although Kenner had much success with their ALIEN ACTION FIGURE, it is hard to understand Universal's insistence on gearing merchandise for the R-rated THE THING to an underage audience. They hit rock bottom with the THE THING SNOWCONE MAKER, a device that, by all accounts, delivered a nearly inedible confection and whose commercial was considered so alarming to children that it had to be pulled off the air. Its jingle, which included lyrics like "First you stick it in, then you pull it out, then you squirt the juice, then you make me shout," was labeled obscene by angry parent groups and hefty fines and lawsuits followed. As recent as 2005, many of these lawsuits were still pending, including one filed by Kenner which claims the commercial's nearly pornographic ditty was a fragrant rip off of their popular ICE BIRD SONG.
    

John Carpenter's The Thing

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

What the hell is THE THING? Is it the greatest horror movie of all time? Is it the greatest science fiction movie of all time? Maybe it's just the greatest movie of all time. O.K, I'll try not to go too overboard, but we ARE talking about THE THING here, a movie that transforms, mutates and above all grows in size with each passing year. JOHN CARPENTER what have you made? Based on a 1938 novella by a then 28-year-old JOHN W.CAMPBELL entitled "WHO GOES THERE?" and previously brought to the screen in the form of 1951's THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD (this version was produced by and, some say, ghost directed by CARPENTER's idol HOWARD HAWKS), THE THING is that rare film that not only stands up to the test of time, but also gives the test of time a wedgie for looking at it funny. 
The story involves a research team in Antarctica who rightfully save a puppy from some PETA scoffing Norwegians (who wouldn't?) Unfortunately, the doggie's appreciative face licking is revealed to be a rouse when the canine's cranium splits apart and his body turns into a hodgepodge circus of tentacles, crab legs and toothy Venus Fly Trap style orifices. Its outlandish anatomy even comes equipped with a super soaker like device that squirts white puss all over the real (nice) dogs! He's no pet, he's THE THING and he's been bouncing around planets trying on other life form's DNA like he's shopping for shoes on Rodeo Drive for millions of years. THE THING can look, act and appear as anyone once it gets its gooey mitts into them, and that stirs up a heap of paranoia in this secluded outpost where dialing 911 is not an option and proper civilization is way out of reach. 
Now you may be saying to yourself, "Hey, why don't I just watch ALIEN and INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS back to back instead?" Well, you should do that anyway sometime but THE THING has so much more going for it than just that set-up. First of all, there is the incredible end of the globe environment that's just tailor made for J.C.'s widescreen love of the horizon line (we might as well be on the moon). Then there's the brilliantly sparse heart beat in a mother's womb score by ENNIO MORRICONE that lulls and startles with equal force. And finally, amongst an admirable cast of veteran character actors and newbies alike, you have KURT RUSSELL's R.J. MacReady, the kind of humbly stoic would-be loner type that used to be a familiar American archetype, but is sadly missing from the flotsam and jetsam films of today. This cowboy on an ice bank is a fallible, reluctant hero who knows how to say, "Fuck you too!" and mean it.  
It's impossible to talk about THE THING without mentioning the inspirational, ahead of its time special effects designed by ROB BOTTIN (STAN WINSTON deserves a nod as well for his work in the mentioned dog kennel scene). The film's lackluster box office performance in 1982 is often blamed on the feel good vapors surrounding the just released E.T. While there's certainly some truth to that, I've begun to believe that audiences where simply too overwhelmed by BOTTIN's extraordinary work to really get what THE THING was about. I know when I saw the film as a kid that there was so much screaming and horrified laughter that it drowned out much of the dialogue. After the famous "spider head" walk, I think many brains were just too blown away to focus on the finer nuances on display. This goes for critics as well who wrongly accused the movie of being ONLY a showcase for effects. Now that years have passed and the slime has settled, BOTTIN's work is still awe inspiring but, thanks to the advent of home viewing, one can rewatch the film again and again unearthing different layers and forms without the distraction of picking your jaw off the floor. 
At its heart, THE THING is about more than simple Xenophobia. It's about that nameless space that exists between all people in all types of relationships. The fear that we can never know another's real intentions. The knowledge that we can never know anyone absolutely. It's interesting to note that original author JOHN W. CAMPBELL's mother had an identical twin sister who actively disliked John and that he had trouble telling the two apart. This factoid not only goes far in explaining the story's fascination with false identity but even what some claim is a thread of misogyny throughout, citing the fact that the all male group is harmonious until a reproductive presence is introduced. CARPENTER does a fine job orchestrating the group dynamics within the camp and showing how leadership roles adjust during crisis. Before the unknown arrives, there is a general sense of camaraderie but much like the more recent THE MIST (which sports THE THING's theatrical poster in an early scene as a sort of mission statement or to-do list) once doubt goes in the "in box" and trust goes in the "out" box everyone starts looking a bit shady. THE THING may not leave you demanding a blood sample from your significant other (something else folks were not too keen to think about in an AIDS hysteric 1982) but it is bound to remind you just how very cold it can get when trust is "hard to come by". 
 Disregarding undercurrents, THE THING simply works as a movie about people in a dire situation. I've already mentioned its membership in the sci-fi and horror genres but it also grafts action and western elements into the frosty mix as well. This is where CARPENTER really excels as a director. Although the final act may not reach the zenith level of excitement found within the film's middle (scrapped stop motion effects take out much of the final showdown), the viewer is left with a truly singular experience that has yet to be equaled. Truth be told the tale is not without it's fair share of loose ends and ambiguities (J.C. admits much was created on the fly) but its strengths are so dynamic that these undefined elements become part of its appeal. At the end of the day CARPENTER and company can only be admired for producing that rare remake that artfully picks only the strongest components of its previous sources, while adding new innovative shadings uniquely it's own.    
indelible scenes
   In lieu of transcribing the entire movie, let's just say there is a plethora of indelible scenes and a rich bounty of quotable dialogue to be found here. Something that needs to be singled out though is the film's "Sorry, you're not getting off the hook THAT easy!" ending. Asking people to think too much or fill in the blanks was not really a popular or polite thing for a movie to do in the early eighties (just ask equally shrugged off, now regarded masterpieces BLADE RUNNER and VIDEODROME!) and THE THING demands you do just that. What was once considered a frustrating non-payoff is now the film's undeniable masterstroke of a calling card. It leaves you thinking and thinking is a good thing (you might say it's what separates humans from things).
          

Traumafessions :: Ted P.G. on Attack Of The Giant Leeches

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The scariest movie for me as a child was ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES (1959). People always laugh when I mention the title, but it scared me to death. It has what I consider the single most nightmarish scene in all cinema, where two men are being fed on by the leeches in an underwater cave. Another movie that scared me to death was CALTIKI: THE IMMORTAL MONSTER. I actually didn't see too much of the film, because I was so scared by the first few minutes I had to leave the room.

Uncle Lancifer: Thanks Ted, You should know that any creature sporting anything remotely resembling a tentacle is welcome here at Kindertrauma! I don't blame you for being skeeved by those creatures. Leeches are gross and giant leeches are even worse. You all can watch ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES in it's entirety HERE. While we're on the subject of things that go bump or at least squish in the night, it's time for monster a go-go!

Learn how to care for your pet monster at the perfect spot to nurse a hangover DRUNKEN SEVERED HEAD
Frankenstein viewmasters are spied through at new favorite hangouts FRANKENSTEINIA and WONDERFUL WONDERBLOG
The ID monster from FORBIDDEN PLANET is dissected at the ever brilliant MONSTER BRAINS. Speaking of, prepare yourselves for the two week long MONSTER MOVIE POSTER MANIA coming to M.B. this May!!!

Traumafessions:: Sebastien M. on Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I always have been a hardcore fan of horror movies. When I was a kid, I used to read the TV guide religiously to find out what horror movie was playing during the week. I would stay up late at night in my bedroom waiting until my parents went to sleep before going back to the living room to put a videocassette in the VHS to record a new treasure. I really treasured every movie that I taped. Except that night it didn't record for some obscure reasons. The movie was called PROM NIGHT II: HELLO MARY LOU, which I saw in French under the title LE BAL DE L'HORREUR II: HELLO MARY LOU. I really wanted to see this movie since I remembered loving the PROM NIGHT III: THE LAST KISS movie as a kid (I know that one was pretty bad). I don't think I really enjoyed the second installment of this series at the time since I fell asleep after the first 30 minutes. However, I woke up a few minutes later only to discover one of the most disturbing and creepy scenes I ever saw in a movie. Well, disturbing enough for a 10-year-old boy. At one point in the movie, you see the character Vicki resting in her room with her lovely rocking horse. The evil spirit of former prom queen Mary Lou Maloney starts tormenting Vicki again and she is suddenly pulled under the covers with invisible hands grabbing onto her. While trying to escape, her rocking horse becomes possessed and comes to life. That scene really gave me the willies because there was something really wrong and creepy about that rocking horse which rolls its red eyes and obscenely slithers its tongue. Time passed and I forgot about the title of the movie, but for years these images of the perverted rocking horse haunted my dreams. Recently I did some research over the Internet to find out what movie it was just to make sure I had not dreamt it up.

Uncle Lancifer: Dear Sebastien, Thanks for the TRAUMAFESSION. I forgot about that creepy rocking horse! I know exactly what you mean about waking up to see a scene in a movie completely out of context, and in your half awake state getting really freaked out by it. I also know what it's like to go on a mad hunt for a film's title that eludes you. It just so happens that Castle Kinderskull is located in Philadelphia where back in the day after SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE was over, we were all treated to SATURDAY NIGHT DEAD a horror show in the vein of ELVIRA. The show was hosted by STELLA "the maneater from Manayunk" and it was seriously awesome. Well, one night I fell right to sleep during a movie and awoke up at the film's end. The ending showed a man and a woman stuck inside a country house banging on the windows franticly, apparently trapped forever. It freaked me out even more than THIS COMMERCIAL. I have no idea what the title of this movie was, or even what the film was about, but if it sounds familiar to anyone out there let me know. In fact, if any readers have a haunted memory of a film whose title escapes them feel free to send it in as a "title-less traumafession" and maybe we can all stick our heads together and figure it out!

Traumafessions :: Doomed Moviethon's Richard on Dead Of Night (1977)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

DEAD OF NIGHT is an obscure little TV horror anthology directed by DAN CURTIS ("DARK SHADOWS") and written by RICHARD MATHESON in 1977. I can't remember exactly how old I was (probably around 10 or so) but one Saturday afternoon, a local station played this trilogy of horror stories. I'll be damned if I can remember the first two segments but the final 30 minute tale made quite an impression on me. Holy crow, it completely terrified the living shit out of me! In the story, a woman uses a magic ritual to resurrect her son Bobby who drowned accidentally. Bobby comes back but it ain't exactly a joyful reunion. I will never forget how much I jumped when Bobby reveals his true nature to his mother while slowly creeping down that darkened stairway. For years, the memory of that moment would pop into my head and I would get chills. I found the final 40 seconds at YOUTUBE. Sure, it looks silly now but the creepy atmosphere and the sense of dread that builds throughout the segment are undeniable. Hopefully, DEAD OF NIGHT will finally make its way to DVD and I can see this excellent short horror tale in its entirety.  

Unkle Lancifer: Thanks Richard, and congratulations on celebrating DOOMED MOVIETHON's third year of public service to horror aficionados. I'm sorry to say I've missed this particular nugget thus far but really, how can you go wrong with the A-team of DAN CURTIS (BURNT OFFERINGS) and RICHARD MATHESON (DUEL), the duo responsible for the trauma legend TRILOGY OF TERROR? I gotta get something off my sunken chest though, DEAD OF NIGHT sure is an often enough used title isn't it? Besides this 1977 television movie, you have the classic 1945 anthology film that gave ventriloquist dummies a bad name, the 1974 BOB CLARK night of the living war vet flick AND the criminally under appreciated 2000 SIMON HUNTER chiller (known outside the U.S. as LIGHTHOUSE) all sharing the same title. No wonder this bad boy slipped through my claw like fingers. If that YouTube clip is any indication, regardless of title, I've been missing something definitely worth tracking down!

 By the Bye, Is it just me or does the above picture of lil' bobby bring to mind yet another famous (mad) BOB?  

Traumafessions :: Reader Mickey W. on Burnt Offerings

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In the 1970's it was all about KAREN BLACK scary movies. One KAREN BLACK movie in particular comes to mind when I think of movies that terrorized me as a child, BURNT OFFERINGS. Well, TRILOGY OF TERROR too but I am just going to focus on BURNT OFFERINGS. I think I was about 7 when I first saw it on T.V. The scenes that kept me awake at night involved that creepy chauffeur. You know, the one OLIVER REED keeps remembering from his childhood. Anyway, that tall, skinny, pale, bespectacled man probably caused plenty of kids' nightmares. I went back recently and watched the movie again. I must say it has a few boring parts, but the chauffeur still gives me the willies big time.

Unkle Lancifer SEZ: Mickey, I agree with you completely, BURNT OFFERINGS' (1976) chauffeur (Anthony James) is one of the creepiest cats ever. In the film OLIVER REED's character remembers his smiling off-putting presence from his mother's funeral when he was a lad and he becomes an almost grim reaper like harbinger of doom. In the novel the film was based on by ROBERT MARASCO his origin is slightly different but he's equally menacing if not more so. I'm not sure if he was a direct influence on these other grinning, lanky louts of cinema but he certainly shares a similar diet and disposition…

ANGUS SCRIMM as the terrifying "Tall man" in 1979's PHANTASM
JULIAN BECK in 1986's POLTERGEIST 2: THE OTHER SIDE (NATHAN DAVIS portrayed the not-so-good reverend in 1988's POLTERGEIST 3)
Don't forget "The Gentlemen" from the 1999 episode "Hush" of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. If those grinny skinnies didn't send a chill down your spine, then you ain't nothing but jaded!

Satan's School for Girls

Posted on By aunt john


Imagine coming home from a hard day of driving a muscle car and looking like a poor-man's Shirley Feeney to find your flaxen-haired and much hotter younger sister hanging from the rafters in the foyer of your locked house. Would you accept the official police explanation that it was a suicide, or would you get all Nancy Drew and secretly enroll yourself as a student at your late sister's private school to get the bottom of her mysterious death? If you choose the latter, then you should be able to easily identify with plucky Elizabeth Sayers (PAMELA FRANKLIN) as she goes under cover at the esteemed Salem Academy for Women in the AARON SPELLING and LEONARD GOLDBERG-produced T.V. movie SATAN'S SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.

Upon arriving at the school, Elizabeth is greeted by a gaggle of seemingly friendly girls including Roberta (KATE JACKSON), Debbie (JAMIE SMITH-JACKSON), and Jody (CHERYL LADD) who ply her with booze and fill her in on which instructor is dreamy, painting teacher Professor Clampett (ROY THINNES), and which is a creepy jerk, behavioral psychology teacher Professor Delecroix (LLOYD BOCHNER). Elizabeth then has a sit down with the stern headmistress Mrs. Williams (Oscar winner JO VAN FLEET) who presents her with an oil lamp since the old-timey wiring at the school is notorious for instigating (foreshadowing alert!) power outages.

Elizabeth throws herself into the two courses taught by the two, aforementioned teachers, and quickly learns that, sure enough, the psychology teacher is a total creep, which makes him prime suspect numero uno in the death of her sister. The wavy-haired painting professor, on the other hand, is a total hottie, and Elizabeth isn't even remotely suspicious of the underage wine parties he hosts for his students. A series of suicides rock the campus, and the psychology professor looks even more suspect to Elizabeth, especially after she encounters him holding a gun in his classroom and babbling incoherently. The misunderstood Professor Delecroix doesn't make it past the next scene, so that just leaves one other faculty member to blame for all the deaths (Hint: It's the hot art teacher). Conveniently enough, the power goes out in the midst of an ensuing campus evacuation while the headmistress has the mother of all regressive breakdowns, and Elizabeth finds herself going toe-to-toe with Professor Clampett, a.k.a. the Dark Lord himself, and a gaggle of Satanic school girls in white night gowns. Thankfully, Elizabeth is packing her handy oil lamp, which she uses to torch the school and presumably murder her mortal classmates. Satan, of course, escapes unscathed, leaving room for a yet-to-be made sequel.

  • The opening chase sequence of Elizabeth's late sister Martha
  • Debbie's panic attack/shit fit in the hallway after a particularly grueling behavioral psych class
  • All the scenes with the extra wearing the sexy Pisces sweatshirt
  • Headmistress VAN FLEET overacts her way through nervous breakdown
  • FRANKLIN's restrained reaction shots

Spring Cleaning :: Trauma-Toys

Posted on By aunt john

Hey kids, it's time to help your Aunt John clean up the cluttered playroom in Kindertrauma castle. Which toys should we keep, and which should we toss?

  1. Monster Old Maid
    You would think Mr. and Mrs. Dracula would have spared their daughter the indignity of being the Old Maid card by springing for some orthodontics. The poor thing looks like Agnes DiPesto with an overbite. It's no wonder she doesn't show up on the side of this sweet ride.

    2.  

     

  2. Creeple Peeple
    Did anyone really buy into the pencil-disguise craze?

    3.  

     

  3. Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces
    Also, did anyone buy into the bald doll-disguise craze? Virtual version HERE, and more Hugo love HERE.

    4.  

     

  4. Mystic Skull: The Game of Voodoo
    I do love me some mysterious moving skull action.

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  5. The Weebles Haunted House
    This was the toy your Aunt John lusted for every X-Mas season as a child, and every December 25th my mother would sheepishly offer the excuse that it must have fallen off the back of Santa's sleigh. Note to parents: Honesty is really the best policy with children. My mother's subterfuge made her look like a delusional liar, and a cheap one at that.
  6. Scarecrow
    Obviously, this one belongs to your Unkle Lancifer

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  7. Stretch Monster
    In many ways, this green guy was much less creepy than his bikini-clad nemesis Stretch Armstrong.

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  8. Bermuda Triangle Game

    9. The tagline tells you everything you need to know about this one: "Sinister Mystery Cloud Swallows Ships."

     

  9. The Mighty Men & Monster Maker
    My brothers and I played with this, while my sister had the Fashion Plates. Sadly, the parts were not interchangeable.

    10.  

     

  10. The Queasy Bake Oven
     
    The cakes and cookies you can make with this model look more appetizing than most of the things I've churned out with my old school Easy Bake.