kindertrauma

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Virginia K. on Damien Omen 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

The first two OMEN movies scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and they always seemed to be on T.V. Something about those demonic chants that would come before an approaching death got to me. Were they singing "Long live Damien"? The scariest part, I think, was in the second film when that guy fell into the ice. Just knowing that he could see safety through the ice but not reach it freaked me. All the people running around unable to do anything but watch him float away, and he could SEE them! What an awful way to go!! 

Yes Virginia, there is a danger to be found on frozen lakes! And as we once did with scarf safety, we're going to take the opportunity you just provided us to speak of ice safety. Usually ice safety is a subject for spring, but with this whole global warming thing going on, now is as good a time as any. We don't want any of our beloved readers to suffer the same fate as that guy in DAMIEN OMEN 2! Let's look at some other fine films that address that logical fear! 

THE DEAD ZONE: Remember when the icy lake swallowed up an entire kiddie hockey team? CHRISTOPHER WALKEN tried to warn them, but those nasty parents thought he was a kook! Well, now their children are kidsicles. Let this be a lesson, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO WALKEN!
WHISPER: Icy lakes are dangerous enough but, as the previously mentioned DAMIEN OMEN2 illustrated, they are particularly dangerous when a demonic devil child is in the vicinity. When will people learn?
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Georgie boy wished he was never born, but guess what? If he was never born he could not have saved his little brother from this horrendous sledding accident. See Georgie, your life has value because thankless dolts like your bro here were able to benefit from it!
GHOST STORY: Being high up on a bridge and looking down at the ice is not even advisable because you never know when a ghost of a woman you accidentally murdered is going to show up and scare you so bad that you fall off.
THE SWEET HEREAFTER: If you feel you must tempt the ice god Jack Frost, do so on foot for heaven's sake. Don't drive a school bus full of children onto a frozen lake as this fool has done!
CURTAINS: Who says the ice even has to break? Here a hapless loser was just trying to skate to her groovy boombox when a hag-masked sickie with a sickle showed up and played whack-a-mole with her face. 

Google research also reveals similar ice calamities in cute doggy flicks (EIGHT BELOW), crap-fests that shoplifters have to star in for penance (MR.DEEDS), and the always educational daytime sudser PASSIONS.

So listen up kids, if you're going to learn anything in life, it certainly won't be at school. It will be at the movies, and all movies agree STAY OFF THE ICE!

 

13 Ghosts

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The Zorba family has come under some rough financial times. In fact, their furniture is being repossessed ‘cuz Pops forgot to pay the bills! Just like in real life, their rich uncle immediately drops dead and leaves them his entire estate in their hour of need. There's just one catch, they have to dress up as ladies to live there! Oh wait, that's BOSOM BUDDIES! No, the catch is the place is haunted by twelve ghosts who want one of the Zorbas to join them and become the 13th!(Get the title?) Did I mention maid services will be provided by ye ol' hatchet face MARGARET HAMILTON who just may be a witch? Quite a stretch, huh? Throw in the usual conniving, money-loving lawyer looking for some hidden loot (played by ADAM-12's MARTIN MILNER) and you almost have a movie. What's missing? ILLUSION-O, the incredible tool that allows you to choose whether you want to see the effects that were shot for the film! This amazing cardboard device with red and blue clear plastic filters, was a gimmick created by WILLIAM CASTLE that, when used correctly, inhibits the viewer from ever getting properly immersed in his film. Novel as it may be, it wears out its welcome fast and becomes grossly annoying. Give me the ILLUSION-O-free television broadcast version any time. I need my hands free for beer swigging, I mean popcorn. With or without the cardboard menace, 13 GHOSTS, an alleged classic, will probably leave modern viewers over the age of 13 wanting more. Directed with all the flair of an episode of HAZEL, there are few real shocks here, (although sis' encounter with a monstrous dead uncle zombie is effective) any sense of danger is destroyed by the characters bizarrely casual responses to having things like meat cleavers thrown at them. In actuality, real terror was probably not the goal at all, just a larky haunted house goof equivalent to an unenthusiastic game of "light as a feather, stiff as a board". On that level, it works fine. So if you have to watch a movie with your Granny, and your Granny happens to be 10 years old, this is the pick for you!
indelible scenes

  • The opening credits are the highlight of the film
  • Cook ghost with cleaver
  • Headless tamer and lion ghost
  • Money in the staircase!
  • The amazing squash-you bed
  • The "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!" winking epilogue

Official Traumatizer :: Satan in The Adventures of Mark Twain

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey kids, would you like to go on a magical trip with MARK TWAIN through time and space? Sounds a bit boring doesn't it? Sounds kinda learn-y right? Well, what if I told you that Ol' MARK was going to scare the living crap out of you? And what if I told you that he wanted to introduce you to a friend of his by the name of…wait for it… Satan? In the 1985 full-length claymation movie THE ADVENTURES OF MARK TWAIN, children found a brand new level of hell to experience thanks to a visit from everyone's favorite fallen angel the devil himself. Director WILL VINTON, who is also notably connected with notorious trauma devices RETURN TO OZ and THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS, doesn't seem to get that combining psychedelia with morose nihilism is a recipe for kiddie suicide. We're not questioning the guy's artistic genius; his work makes the RANKIN & BASS canon look like a bunch of paper bag puppets and we realize that he was just giving a shout out to Twain's unfinished work THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER. We're just wondering how he sleeps at night knowing he's blown little underage minds to smithereens. Isn't Satan scary enough with his red underwear and twisty tail? Where'd that morph-y mask come from? And what's with all that creating of little people just to destroy them bit? That type of crazy, power-hungry behavior is usually reserved for the big head honcho himself…God! Depicting Satan as an evil dude who wants to take over the Earth, now that's what we can get behind. This Satan not only doesn't want the dump, he's convinced it's not real, and that it's only an illusion, a dream. There's a fun concept for a kid to mull over! If nothing else, we certainly could have done without the sight of the little cow falling into the pit, now that was just plain mean!The brave among you can check out the offending scene HERE!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Walt on "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes

Posted on By aunt john

i can see tomorrow
Editor's Note: After disclosing the death of a pet and dissecting the more disturbing elements of MR. ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, KINDERTRAUMA's most prolific confessor goes on record about not necessarily wanting his MTV…

    Here's a video from my youth that scared the hell out of me. My trauma started with an innocent night at my grandmother's house to bake Christmas cookies. After eating handfuls of raw dough, I knew I was in for a rough night. As I laid on the couch, bellyaching and moments from praying to the porcelain god, I put the TV on to distract my young mind. In what I thought was luck at the time, my grandmother had cable and MTV, so I innocently put some music videos on. Then… Yes came on with the video for "Owner of a Lonely Heart" and taught me what anxiety was. (more…)

    Shock

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    A desperate woman slowly loosing her grip on reality; is she being haunted or is she just plain nutzo? A young boy seemingly possessed by a deceased adult male; is he a monster or a victim? You've seen these screws turned before no doubt, but here the guy manning the screwdriver is Italian film legend MARIO BAVA and the results may surprise you. SHOCK, released in America as BEYOND THE DOOR 2 has little to do with its EXORCIST cash-in predecessor BEYOND THE DOOR, save for the presence of child actor DAVID COLIN JR. This is BAVA's last film and some of it was helmed by his son/protégé, the also very talented LAMBERTO BAVA. Two BAVAs for the price of one? Count me in! Unlike the Big B's best work, you're unlikely to find yourself salivating over every scene, but that's as it should be as the story really doesn't call for it. There's a natural everyday vibe here not usually associated with the director. No worries, though. When the gloves come off, we are treated to nearly every camera trick in the book, and though some may find their patience tested during the slow build up, few will be dissatisfied by film's conclusion. One scene in particular is a visual doozy and is a testament to what can be achieved without optical effects when real creativity is involved. DARIA NICOLODI, frequent collaborator with DARIO ARGENTO (one such collaboration was named ASIA), is a joy to watch sliding down the slippery slope to cuckoo town. The insular, claustrophobic, constant grinding of her psyche brings POLANSKI's REPULSION to mind. Her bizarre, sometimes apparently incestuously-inclined offspring fares equally well. COLIN JR.'s lack of acting chops is easily compensated for by the fact that he's just one of the freakiest looking kids ever. If his jack-o'-lantern old man mug and MARJOE GORTNER locks don't get under your skin, then it's gotta be cuz you're all crazy looking yourself. SHOCK is a great farewell card from a true artist. It may not burst with the power of some of his earlier work, but its stealthy psychological approach sets it apart from the pack.
    indelible scenes

    • The soundtrack by GOBLIN-infected rock band LIBRA is a rocking jack-in-a-box
    • Razor blade in a piano keyboard!
    • Window replaced by brick wall followed by floating box-cutter
    • Voodoo swing set threatens to down an airplane
    • Yikes! Haunted Slinky®!

    Official Traumatot :: Martin Stephens

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    Martin Stephens Village of the damned The Innocents
     

    Who can deny MARTIN STEPHENS' precise, sharp as an ice-pick, performance in 1960's VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED? Any child actor can shelve emotions and play a robot, but convincingly exuding cold, calculating super intelligence is another story. STEPHENS pulled it off with otherworldly ease and found a permanent home among the legendary icons of horror. One year later he amazingly out did himself with his portrayal of Miles in THE INNOCENTS, an adaptation of HENRY JAMES' classic ghost tale THE TURN OF THE SCREW.  Here he may have delivered the best child performance of all time; subtle, fluid and slippery as a fish, Miles is at turns menacing and angelic, a padlock whose combination changes with each viewing. At one point the most prominent and successful child star in Britain, he prematurely put a cap on his career with the JOAN FONTAINE HAMMER-mobile THE WITCHES. Currently working as an architect STEPHENS can rest at night with the knowledge that his contributions as a child actor, particularly in the horror genre will never be equaled. You sir are forever a TRAUMATOT!

    John Carpenter's Village of the Damned

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    John Carpenter Village of the damned
    If you're going to do a remake of a sci-fi/horror classic you couldn't find a better man for the job than JOHN CARPENTER. CARPENTER's THE THING is arguably the best remake of all time and the go to answer when questioning whether "reimaginings" should even exists. But let's face it, even God himself has his off days and although J.C.'s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED has a few good moments, it's certainly a far cry from the master's best work. The set up works great and fans will immediately recognize and feel at home with the same gorgeous coastal surroundings he took advantage of in THE FOG. As in that film, we are introduced to a large group of interlapping characters that are about to be confronted with an outside force whose intentions are at first shrouded in mystery. Much like his approach to THE THING, Carpenter returns to the original story the film was based on (in this case, JOHN WYNDHAM's THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS) for inspiration whenever he can. A priest character deemed too sacrilegious to appear in the 1960 telling is finally represented here. He even makes attempts to conquer the first film's major criticism of shirking the female perspective on events all to no avail. Sadly, as soon as the first badly wigged baby appears, all these good intentions go up in smoke. This film hinges on the creep factor provided by the children, but rather than deliver chills these kids deliver guffaws. It's not simply because the iconic white hair does not translate well to color film, it becomes exceedingly clear that without the commanding power of a child actor like the original's MARTIN STEPHENS the whole house of cards crumbles. It doesn't help that the film jumps about franticly, never allowing the more interesting elements to congeal and instead routinely lingers on the inconsequential, or that the adult cast with the possible exception of the suspiciously BARBEAU-esgue MERIDITH SALINGER fade into the woodwork. There are still plenty of CARPENTER hallmarks about to keep you from completely losing interest, from his usual full use of the widescreen to the out of date yet still effective musical cues. If this was any other director, I would probably devour this movie's constant camp insanity but considering the potential of the material and the genius behind the wheel, this interesting failure's dull glow truly disappoints.
    indelible scenes
     

    • STREETS OF FIRE fans beware MICHAEL PARE's screen time here is shorter than a FIRE INC. song!
    • Man falls asleep on open grill
    • CHRISTOPER REEVE (in his last role before his accident) and David (THOMAS DEKKER) chat in the cemetery under rolling clouds. Where's the rest of THIS movie?
    • Jedi mind tricks force MARK HAMILL to blow his brains out!
    • Rather than drive into a brick wall as in the original, hapless PETER JASON hits a poorly placed fuel tank DUKES OF HAZZARD style!

     

    "It Wasn't Me!" by Alice Spages

    Posted on By aunt john

    ALICE SWEET ALICE
    I don't know why everyone in this stupid parish thinks I'm the one who choked my brat sister Karen (BROOKE SHIELDS) with a candlestick, and stuffed her stupid body into a window seat before setting it on fire. C'mon, just because I was the last person seen entering through the church side door from the room where they found her dead, that don't mean a thing. And whoop-de-frickin'- do Aunt Annie (JANE LOWRY), so what if I was wearing Karen's veil when I snuck up to the alter to make Communion? Like I said, I found it on the floor. And no, I haven't seen that dumb ol', flashy crucifix Father Tom (RUDOLPH WILRICH) gave Karen before she got killed. I like to keep my looks like I keep my periods… hidden! Give me a plastic party mask and a school-issued yellow raincoat, and I'm good to go. Besides, I am not a thief. Okay, maybe I took that two-faced dolly Daddy gave Karen, but I only wanted to show it to the roaches I keep as pets in the Skippy Peanut Bar jar in steamer trunk in the basement. So you see, I couldn't have killed Karen, I care about bugs so much I wouldn't hurt a fly. Now kittens are another story. I mean yeah, I did strangle that one that belonged to that fat tub-of-lard landlord Mr. Alphonso, but he was making a rape face at me. And since we're clearing the air, I also want to point out that it wasn't me who stabbed Aunt Annie repeatedly in the thighs on the stairwell. Like I told the police and the doctors at the loony bin, I thought I saw my dead sister Karen in the hallway. Sounds crazy, I know, but I am not the only girl in the shithole town of Paramus with access to a frosted mask, a raincoat, and a butcher's knife. But I don't care if you believe me. My mom (LINDA MILLER) believes me, and so does my father. I'm their ALICE, SWEET ALICE (PAULA E. SHEPPARD).

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Jeff M. on Clash of the Titans

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    Dirty gorgon porn! Shame on you jeff!

    Medusa in CLASH OF THE TITANS slithered her way into my brain and stayed there. It was not that she was so scary to look at; it was the fact that if you looked at her you turned to stone…and she was topless! In my pathetic, adolescent teenage boy mind I was convinced that if I ever found myself in the same situation as Perseus that I would NOT be able to resist looking. Stupid I know, but sort of like a person who's afraid of heights because they secretly fear they might jump. For some reason this imagined weakness on my part kept me up at night. I'm married now and the female anatomy holds slightly less mystery. In fact, my wife forced me to send this in. She makes fun of me about it every chance she gets.

    Jeff, Tell your wife to stop poking fun! That Gorgon was a veritable vixen! In fact, thanks to our local library's supply of back issues of CELEBRITY SLUETH magazine, We uncovered THIS X-RATED IMAGE from her forgotten early modeling career. Don't show it to wifey!