kindertrauma

The Curse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 THE CURSE is one strange little movie. Directed by American actor DAVID KEITH (FIRESTARTER) and produced by Italian gore Maestro LUCIO FULCI, this spaghetti-garnished hot dog, though sometimes heartburn inducing, is at least original in flavor. Slime oozing to the strums of a banjo being picked?…irresistible! WILL WEATON is Zack, a kid that's learning that mixed families don't always mean A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS. He, along with kid sis Alice (real life sibling AMY WHEATON) are suffering through mom's decision to wed a religious fanatic (CLAUDE AKINS) who comes complete with a fat bully son (CHRISTINE's MALCOLM DANARE). One night, while mom is satisfying an itch step Dad won't scratch with a hairy handyman, a meteor crashes. This giant glowing ball spews fluorescent junk across their farm and contaminates the water supply. Soon a bounty of giant veggies is produced and it seems like a gift from God. Unfortunately when any of the harvest is bitten into or sliced, maggots and slime pour out. Suddenly God's gift looks more like a booby prize for mom's indiscretions. Speaking of mom, she's not looking so hot, giant horn-like zits are beginning to appear on her face and she's acting kinda crazy. Did she really just sew her hand into the sock she was mending? Like most crazy people, mom is quickly hid away from company but soon step Dad and his mean son start to look peeked as well. (WILL and sis were smart enough to go off the farm's crop as soon as the animals started acting wonky). As we get further along towards the climax, things get less and less heartland Americana and more and more blood soaked FULCI-cana. Mom literally ends up looking like a pile of shit and the scary step family gets all pig faced and starts brandishing pitchforks. At the eleventh hour Duke boy JOHN SCHNEIDER, a bespeckled water inspector, lends a helping hand, but by this point we've already seen the house change from real to a miniature model which can only mean one thing… kablooey! Based on THE COLOUR OUT OF SPACE by H.P. LOVECRAFT and filtered through a FULCI-funnel, KEITH's kooky salute to flesh nausea makes up for its weaknesses with sheer good old fashion weirdness.indelible scenes

  • Mom gets a gross puss squirt in the eye from a tomato
  • Alice is attacked by chickens
  • Mom "connecting the dots" on her step son's injured buttocks 
  • The aforementioned sock mending scene…
  • Cow explosion!
  • Looking like an ENERGY HOG Cyrus (DANARE) attacks Alice in her bedroom

 

     

The Bloodening

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

the simpsons the bloodening wild barts can't be broken
 

    Since THE SIMPSONS MOVIE has proven to be a worldwide success there's only one next logical step. A full-length animated feature of THE BLOODENING is in order. The VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED parody seen in the tenth season's eleventh episode WILD BARTS CAN'T BE BROKEN left us craving more, much MORE. So get on it SIMPSONS animators, we want more of the little blighters. We won't sleep until we get the full story behind the Doctor and the bootblack rogering the fishwife in the crumpet shop!  

    Kingdom of the Spiders

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    killer spiders william shatner tarantula web
    Super studly swinger WILLIAM SHATNER is a veterinarian assigned to the case of a murdered cow. TIFFANY BOLLING is a woman's libber and an entomologist who's pegged a bunch of creepy crawly tarantulas as the culprits behind the heifer's demise. Even though she has her hands full thwarting Bill's numerous heavy-handed advances, she easily determines the usual loner spiders have gone berserk and teamed up. These tarantulas are so crazy, they've somehow gained the power to produce webs and now live in giant "spider hills," an idea they obviously stole from ants. This would all be pretty exciting news for scientists everywhere except that the spiders want to eat people and there's a big town fair approaching that promises to be a smörgÃ¥sbord for the furry fellows. Eventually most of our favorite characters that are not dead wind up in a lodge where they have to fend off the hirsute hooligans with fire extinguishers and boiling soup. (About half the spiders are played by real tarantulas and the other half are clearly rubbery stand-ins). I don't have to tell you about SHATNER's performance (SHAT-TASTIC!) but who is this TIFFANY BOLLING and why is she so brave when forced to handle spiders at every turn? Seems a year earlier the clever minx played SPIDER LADY on ELECTRO WOMAN AND DYNA GIRL! That spider wrangling gig must have made her a shoe in for the part of the brilliant and brave Diane Ashley! And while we're at it, who is that familiar moppet playing the SHAT-ATTACK's niece who he keeps throwing around like a bag of potatoes and whose screams were obviously dubbed in later by an adult? Why it's little NATASHA RYAN, who the year earlier was busy being psychologically tortured in the SALLY FIELD television TRAUMA-THON SYBIL! Viewers who take this movie even remotely seriously deserve the hell their lives must be. This is trash of the highest order and it's all big fun right up to its mind bogglingly fake-looking final frame. A late night television mainstay of the late '70s and early '80s, KINGDOM is required viewing for arachnophobes and SHAT-APHILES. I for one, learned two important things: #1. Airplanes and spiders not only don't mix, but result in girly screams from the pilot. #2. If there is a spider crawling on your hand, don't try to shoot it off with a gun…indelible scenes

    • Numerous spider POV shots abound from the opening attack on a cow (that ends in a freeze frame of it's startled eye) to the stalking of NATASHA at a picnic
    • The attack at the fair is one of the most hilariously chaotic and jaw-droppingly bizarre things ever filmed. All of the extras deserve kudos for their nutso performances
    • SHATNER must venture into the lodge basement to fix the fuse that the sneaky spiders sabotaged. His dramatic crawl back up the stairs covered with the eight-legged villains is a thing of beauty

    Village of the Damned

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    One day all of the citizenry of the super sleepy town of Midwich passed out dead in their tracks and took to an involuntary siesta. After awakening, all the women within child bearing years discovered a mysterious bun in their ovens. (The unmarried had some 'splaining to do). Falling asleep and waking up pregnant can be disheartening (just ask my cousin Ida), but the ladies of Midwich take their mass rape with typical English aplomb. When the children are born, it is clear that they are far from normal; in fact, they're blonde AND smart, a chillingly unnatural combination. As they get older, they begin to show further signs of otherworldliness, roaming the streets in flocks like junior Jehovah's witnesses. Residents begin to fear these Aryan-looking oddballs who begin to unabashedly strut their psychic and telekinetic powers all about town. This unrest and distrust is worsened when it's learned that if the creepy kids have a problem with you, they force you to drive your car into a wall or blow your brains out. In fact, it is suspected that Midwich is just a stepping-stone and what the kids really have their radiant eyes on is the whole globe. Are they from outer space? Can they be stopped? Based on a novel by the great JOHN WYNDHAM entitled THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS (on account of Cuckoo birds are such slackers that they make other birds raise their kids) and featuring excellent performances from future INNOCENTS star MARTIN STEPHENS and future suicide GEORGE SANDERS, VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is creepy, compelling and surprisingly thought provoking. In fact, it's impossible to think of any demonic child movie that doesn't have this 1960 sci-fi "What if?" flick's greasy paw prints all over it. Like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS before it, it's the absence of humanity and emotion, not to mention individuality (Commie!) that unnerves here. Although there's no over estimating the power of super-imposed, glowing eyeballs over a still framed black and white image of a cherubic child either.
    indelible scenes

    • Plane flies over slumbering Midwich, pilot nods off and plane goes boom!
    • Mom with psychic assistance, attempts to scald own hand after accidentally presenting infant with a too hot baby bottle
    • A HELLRAISER like Chinese puzzle box reveal the kids communal learning skills
    • SANDER's imagining of a brick wall to block off munchkin's Jedi mind tricks.
    • Miniature house explodes into flames

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Kinderpal Sean of the Dead on Happy Days

    Posted on By aunt john

    fonzie grim reaper happy days halloween

    As a child growing up in Australia during the late '70s and early '80s, I suckled on the teat that is bad US sitcoms. MORK & MINDY, GILLIGAN'S ISLAND, THREE'S COMPANY… and later… SMALL WONDER, SILVER SPOONS and JENNIFER SLEPT HERE. Normally these shows weren't scary, just frighteningly camp. However, one episode of a TV classic did haunt me when I originally saw it and for years later.

    During its second season, HAPPY DAYS filmed a Halloween episode called 'Haunted'. It involved Richie scouting the old Simpson house with Joanie to determine its suitability for a Ralph-hosted party. Inside the house, Richie claims to have seen a headless body in the closet. The talk amongst the kids is old Lady Simpson was beheaded and if you go into the house, she will behead you too. After allowing Howard to convince him to go to the party, Richie is humiliated in front of everyone when he freaks out when a Ralph prank catches him off-guard. As they are all laughing, a headless woman starts floating down the stairs. I don't know why this scared me so much, but I was convinced this was how I was to meet my demise. Richie finds the courage to unmask the headless horror and the viewer is shown the culprit to be Bag of the Demons.Another equally horrifying occurrence from this episode involves TOM BOSLEY as Howard asking a young boy for a kiss after handing him some Halloween candy?!?!

    Editor's Note: To check out more musings and pretty pictures from KINDERTRAUMA's first-ever commenter, visit Sean of the Dead @ Lost in MySpace.

    Kinderguest Peter of HorrorsNotDead.com

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    Of all horror films, GHOULIES II had the biggest impact on my life. This is not a point of contention, this is literal. The world is round, GHOULIES II scared me shitless. When I was 7 or 8, the babysitter let us watch the schlocky sequel that features a sequence of a man getting his cheeks chomped off by a bald ghoulie hiding in the toilet bowl. Of course, when you're 7 years old, nothing is schlocky.

    I was fucking terrified. My cheeks did not touch a toilet bowl for months.

    Fact: DEAD MAN WALKING was inspired by my fate every time I made that journey to the bathroom. Every time I entered that porcelain closet of terror I knew, knew with more certainty than any supercomputers can muster, that a hideous, bald child of Lucifer was going to enjoy the flesh of my rump. Not only that, but it turned me off of horror for years. I would not touch the genre. I would not even be on the same floor in a house playing a horror movie. I am now 22 years old and read Fangoria while I take a dump.

    Cute how the wheel of Kah turns.

    Thanks Peter, I think you just singlehandedly justified the existence of this site with that TRAUMAFESSION! Where else can you read a tale like that folks? Well, for starters you might try HORRORS NOT DEAD The recently engaged (congrats!) Peter's regular stomping ground. If it's a unique take on the genre you're looking for, look no further!

    Official Traumatot :: Sammy Snyders

    Posted on By aunt john

    sammy snyders is going to kill you!
    After his trailblazing performance as Jamie Benjamin, a sexually-charged preteen plagued with poor social skills, a bad bowl cut, and a penchant for feeding neighbors to the carnivorous creatures living in THE PIT, the IMDB trail on child actor sensation SAMMY SNYDERS just about runs cold, save for an appearance in an episode of something called THE LITTLEST HOBO. Based solely on his stellar work in THE PIT, KINDERTRAUMA is pleased to bestow a TRAUMATOT award upon Mr. SNYDERS. Fans of SNYDERS will be pleased to know that after leaving the big and small screen behind, he is now "one of Toronto's hottest jazz teachers!" Jazz dance, that is.

    The Pit

    Posted on By aunt john

    the pit sammy snyders

    Coming across more as a garden-variety suburban asshole with a blonde bowl cut than misunderstood boy plagued with autism, Jamie Benjamin (SAMMY SNYDERS) is a 12-year-old social pariah. His parents have a difficult time keeping babysitters, the kids at school would rather punch him in his squirrely face than be his friend, and the town librarian has him pegged for the preteen pervert that he actually is. This is not to say that Jamie is devoid of social interactions, he does have a stuffed bear named Teddy that talks back to him and he has a custodial relationship with a pack of hairy creatures (think CHA-KA from LAND OF THE LOST on a bender) he calls the Tra-la-logs that live in an isolated pit in the woods.

    When his parents hightail it to Seattle to look for a new house, Jamie is left in the care of nubile babysitter/housekeeper Sandra O'Reilly (JEANNIE ELIAS) a raspy-voiced co-ed working on a degree in psychology. Rocking a face like ANNIE POTTS and a body like JOYCE DeWITT, Sandra quickly becomes the obsession du jour for the hormonal Jamie and he takes to watching her sleep, peeping on her in the shower and asking for her help with bathing. When Sandra rebuffs his advances, Jamie turns his attention back to the nutritional needs of the Tra-la-logs and experiments first with candy bars and then with raw meat from the butcher.

    After Jamie gets busted for stealing money from Sandra to support the Tra-la-logs insatiable meat habit, he starts shoving his enemies into the pit. First to go is the librarian's ginger-haired niece, and then wheelchair-bound Mrs. Oliphant followed by Sandra's football-playing beau. Jamie emerges from the woods after each kill with a trophy from the victim, which at first looks like an earmark of a serial killer in the making. Turns out he's just stockpiling evidence to eventually frame one of Sandra's subsequent, and heavily mustachioed, suitors. Speaking of Sandra, she eventually slips into the pit and is torn to shreds before Jamie's eyes, and that is where Jamie should have gotten a clue. But no, Jamie decides to throw a rope into the pit to free the Tra-la-logs. They climb to the surface and go on a killing spree claiming stoner skinny dippers and a girl in super-short jogging shorts.

    A pack of deputized vigilantes wielding shot guns hunt down the hirsute terrors, pump ‘em full of lead, and a back-ho is brought in to bury them and seal off the pit. The movie could have ended there, but thankfully THE PIT just keeps on going and delivers Jamie to his grandparents' house where he encounters an equally as creepy girl cousin. The two take off through a cornfield and into a wooded area that looks eerily similar to one where Jamie used to hang. So similar (read: low budget), that this neck of the woods also has a similarly shaped pit inhabited by (umm… honestly, who didn't see this coming?) Tra-la-logs. The strength of the absurd script rests squarely on the shoulders of the young SAMMY SNYDERS, and his utterly loathsome portrayal of Jamie will either have you laughing or applauding the final frame of the film.

      INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

      • Aided by a well-synced tape recording and a pay phone, Jamie manipulates the schoolmarmish librarian with the smoking-body to peel off her aerobics unitard so he may take some naughty Polaroids
      • Jamie takes Mrs. Oliphant for a push
      • The talking Teddy bear moves his head
      • Sandra foolishly agrees to wash Jamie's back in the tub
      • Sandra's over-the-top screams as she is pulled to bits by the Tra-la-logs
      • The ending!

      Earlier: TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Devon on The Pit