kindertrauma

The Pit

Posted on By aunt john

the pit sammy snyders

Coming across more as a garden-variety suburban asshole with a blonde bowl cut than misunderstood boy plagued with autism, Jamie Benjamin (SAMMY SNYDERS) is a 12-year-old social pariah. His parents have a difficult time keeping babysitters, the kids at school would rather punch him in his squirrely face than be his friend, and the town librarian has him pegged for the preteen pervert that he actually is. This is not to say that Jamie is devoid of social interactions, he does have a stuffed bear named Teddy that talks back to him and he has a custodial relationship with a pack of hairy creatures (think CHA-KA from LAND OF THE LOST on a bender) he calls the Tra-la-logs that live in an isolated pit in the woods.

When his parents hightail it to Seattle to look for a new house, Jamie is left in the care of nubile babysitter/housekeeper Sandra O'Reilly (JEANNIE ELIAS) a raspy-voiced co-ed working on a degree in psychology. Rocking a face like ANNIE POTTS and a body like JOYCE DeWITT, Sandra quickly becomes the obsession du jour for the hormonal Jamie and he takes to watching her sleep, peeping on her in the shower and asking for her help with bathing. When Sandra rebuffs his advances, Jamie turns his attention back to the nutritional needs of the Tra-la-logs and experiments first with candy bars and then with raw meat from the butcher.

After Jamie gets busted for stealing money from Sandra to support the Tra-la-logs insatiable meat habit, he starts shoving his enemies into the pit. First to go is the librarian's ginger-haired niece, and then wheelchair-bound Mrs. Oliphant followed by Sandra's football-playing beau. Jamie emerges from the woods after each kill with a trophy from the victim, which at first looks like an earmark of a serial killer in the making. Turns out he's just stockpiling evidence to eventually frame one of Sandra's subsequent, and heavily mustachioed, suitors. Speaking of Sandra, she eventually slips into the pit and is torn to shreds before Jamie's eyes, and that is where Jamie should have gotten a clue. But no, Jamie decides to throw a rope into the pit to free the Tra-la-logs. They climb to the surface and go on a killing spree claiming stoner skinny dippers and a girl in super-short jogging shorts.

A pack of deputized vigilantes wielding shot guns hunt down the hirsute terrors, pump ‘em full of lead, and a back-ho is brought in to bury them and seal off the pit. The movie could have ended there, but thankfully THE PIT just keeps on going and delivers Jamie to his grandparents' house where he encounters an equally as creepy girl cousin. The two take off through a cornfield and into a wooded area that looks eerily similar to one where Jamie used to hang. So similar (read: low budget), that this neck of the woods also has a similarly shaped pit inhabited by (umm… honestly, who didn't see this coming?) Tra-la-logs. The strength of the absurd script rests squarely on the shoulders of the young SAMMY SNYDERS, and his utterly loathsome portrayal of Jamie will either have you laughing or applauding the final frame of the film.

    INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • Aided by a well-synced tape recording and a pay phone, Jamie manipulates the schoolmarmish librarian with the smoking-body to peel off her aerobics unitard so he may take some naughty Polaroids
    • Jamie takes Mrs. Oliphant for a push
    • The talking Teddy bear moves his head
    • Sandra foolishly agrees to wash Jamie's back in the tub
    • Sandra's over-the-top screams as she is pulled to bits by the Tra-la-logs
    • The ending!

    Earlier: TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Devon on The Pit

    Cellar Dweller

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    JEFFREY COMBS (don't get too excited he's only in the prologue) is Colin Childress, a comic book illustrator responsible for an EC-like series entitled CELLAR DWELLER. Unwisely, he decides to crib some text from some ancient old necronomicon-y type book he has lying around and POOF! A giant monster appears and kills him and some anonymous lady to boot. Thirty years later, loyal fan Whitney (DEBRAH FARENTINO) shows up at his previous home that is now an exclusive (there's four students) artist colony. She unearths the work he left behind and consequently conjures the beast from hell as well, who wastes no time laying waste to the entire group. What's fun here is Whitney's ability to alter events with her artwork; making a banana peel appear by drawing it, just in time for rival Lisa (a post-DYNASTY PAMELA BELLWOOD) to slip on it, thus sealing her fate, etc. Sadly this idea is not exploited further as it could have injected a lot more life into the movie. (It kinda reminded me of the rewindy remote control utilized in FUNNY GAMES, if not my favorite A-HA video.) There are many more missed opportunities to be found here, but none are so bad as to outweigh the presence of YVONNE DE CARLO (AMERICAN GOTHIC) who I'd pay to see tie her shoe. The real problem besides just how stagnant the proceedings are, is that the title monster is the cutest thing I've ever laid my eyes on, and pentagram-embedded chest or not, I just wanted to fix him a sandwich and knit him a scarf. Written by CHILD'S PLAY scribe DON MANCINI and directed by (not to mention special effects by) FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: THE NEW BLOOD's  JOHN CARL BUECHLER, CELLAR DWELLER may not always work, but there's never any mistake that creative minds are at play.  indelible scenes INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • Whitney's not-so-great comic book art
    • Philip's (future NORBIT director and HEAD OF THE CLASS alum BRIAN ROBBINS) not-so-great abstract art
    • Amanda's (MIRANDA WILSON) not-so-great performance art
    • Norman's (BEN CASEY star and Noir legend VINCE EDWARDS) not-so-great desire to act out scenes from his forthcoming detective novel by shooting at vases and pointing a gun at a woman's head
    • Lisa's pretty great death by banana peel
    • Norman's very great decapitation

    Prom Night

    Posted on By aunt john

    four killer kids from prom night
    Show me a person who bagged out on their senior prom because of the early ‘80s slasher-flick PROM NIGHT, and I'll show you a person who agreed to a secret pact to cover up a murder they committed with their childhood pals. Our film commences in an abandoned monastery, though it looks more like a hospital, where grade school chums Wendy, Nick, Kelly, and Jude are playing a fairly innocuous game of hide-and-go-seek dubbed "The Killer is Coming." An uninvited Robin Hammond joins in on the action, and the foursome proceeds to back her out of a second story window. Rather than get help for the visibly breathing Robin, the four take an impromptu oath to conceal their involvement, and peddle home on their banana-seat bikes. A large, clucky window falls on Robin, so she doesn't survive, and her murder is erroneously blamed on some serial pedophile that gets sent up the river for the crime. Flash forward to present, and Alexander Hamilton High School is in the grips of prom season. Kim Hammond (JAMIE LEE CURTIS), older sister of the deceased Robin, has been elected prom queen, and Nick, one of her sister's killers, will be her prom king. To make matters more awkward, Nick just broke up with Wendy, another of one of the kiddie killers, and Wendy is not taking her dumping sitting down. Wendy enlists the help of high school truant Lou and his cronies to pull off some sort of CARRIE WHITE shenanigans when the king and queen are crowned. Thankfully, the pedophile who took the wrap for the murder, just so happened to coincidentally escape from a mental institution and was last seen driving towards Alexander Hamilton High in a powder-blue punch buggy. Oh, and all four of the childhood killers have been receiving breathy phone calls from a man asking them if they "still like to play games" and finding their yearbook book photos taped inside their lockers with shards of broken mirror. The big night finally arrives, and as JAMIE LEE struts her bestest disco moves in high school auditorium, the three girls involved in her sister's death are methodically slashed and dispatched. The second half of the films begs the viewer to figure out who could be behind these killings. Is it the pedophile seeking vengeance? Is it Kim's father and high school principal Raymond Hammond (a notably miscast LESLIE NEILSEN)? Is it Kim herself? (Editor's note: JAMIE LEE does sort of look like a dude from certain angles). I'll never tell, but to quote from the haunting disco anthem that permeates the school auditorium, "Prom Night… Everything's All Right!"
         INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • The opening sequence with the kids tormenting and killing Robin is a must-see. The repeated intonations of, "The Killer is Coming… The Killer is Coming," is downright creepy
    • Jude's death in the back of her date's super-awesome raper van
    • The protracted chase scene of super-bitch Wendy by the mysterious killer
    • The disco floor, complete with sunken lighting, in the Hamilton High auditorium
    • JAMIE LEE's show-stopping dance routine, with obligatory close-up as her partner Nick twirls her like a pizza
    • The decapitated head tumbling down the prom catwalk
    • The prom's signature song:

    Ghostwatch

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    On October 31st, 1992 while American kiddies where storming suburban streets demanding their fair share of LEMONHEADS and MARY JANES, across the pond in the motherland little nippers were being funnel fed the fear of God thanks to a BBC broadcast that left some scrambling for psychiatric aid. GHOSTWATCH was a faux-reality specter hunt starring familiar television faces that, like ORSON WELLES' famous WAR OF THE WORLDS radio broadcast, blurred the line between reality and entertainment as it blurred the line between this world and the next. Viewers were brought along to observe the goings on in the household of one Pam Early who, along with her two young daughters, was experiencing poltergeist activity. Instead of the usual non-events that one would assume would take place on such a show, many were shocked to find themselves witness to extraordinary happenings. The presence in the house nicknamed "Pipes" by the girls, because of his penchant for banging on pipes, was cleverly inserted in various scenes where observant viewers might catch him for a fleeting second. Things go from creepy to alarming as it is discovered that the broadcast is working as a giant séance and effecting households all over England. Finally, even the studio that is hosting the show begins to experience the phenomena. Even knowing of the show's inauthenticity is small comfort for much like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, it's the slow progressive mounting dread and the systematic worsening of circumstances that really gets under the skin. Having decided not to break the illusion of reality with breaks explaining the show's identity as simulation, police were flooded with panicked phone calls and some viewers were rumored to have committed suicide. At least two children were diagnosed or treated with post-traumatic stress disorder and the hoopla lead to a national ten-year ban. Contemporary cynical audiences may find all this hard to swallow but dozens of factors lead to the lightening strike of GHOSTWATCH that Halloween night. Sadly, I was in the States gorging myself with MALLOW CUPS and NECCO WAFERS.

     INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • Pipes by the bedroom curtain. (All of pipes' nearly subliminal appearances can be viewed HERE )
    • Playing the audio tape of Pipes' voice
    • Daughter Suzanne possessed by Pipes
    • Reporter SARAH GREENE trapped in the "Glory Hole" while the cats howl and the transmission fails.
    • Stalwart host MICHAEL PARKINSON succumbs to Pipes' will

    Official Traumatot :: Michael Stephenson

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    MICHAEL STEPHENSON starred in two films for Italian director CLAUDIO FRAGASSO. The first was the little seen BEYOND DARKNESS (LA CASA 5) and the second was TROLL 2, an in-name only sequel widely regarded as one of the worst films ever made. Is TROLL 2 really that bad? Yes, it is, but it's also strangely lovable, endlessly entertaining and probably ten times funnier than anything intentionally so. Fans are rabid and legion; most can recite the film verbatim. There might be better child actors out there, but certainly none of them have ever been required to swallow the spoonful of insanity that poor STEPHENSON had to, and for that he deserves, if not our praise than at least our pity. The great news is that MICHAEL is currently working on a documentary about his experiences and the phenomenon that followed. If it turns out anything like the trailer, we're in for a (green) treat! If you'd like to keep up to date on all things TROLL2, stop by BESTWORSTMOVIE, the official TROLL 2 fansite!  

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Todd G. on JAWS

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    The first time I can remember ever being scared was seeing JAWS at a drive-in theater in a packed station-wagon. I remember hiding behind the seat closing my eyes and all us kids screaming whenever the shark jumped out. I remember one part where they're under the water beneath a boat and and all the sudden a dead guy's face appears in a hole. That stayed with me more than the shark, at the time it was really sick! On the ride home we all pretended the station-wagon was a boat and we were being chased by JAWS.

    Official Traumatizer :: Louise Fletcher

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    It's a rare remake that can improve upon the original, and TOBE HOOPER's 1986 retelling of INVADERS FROM MARS was widely panned for missing the mark upon its release. On cable and via videotape, it eventually reached its target audience, kids unaware of the original who found a unique motion picture largely told from their point of view. One of the additions that left a lasting impression was the character of Mrs. McKeltch, played by LOUISE FLETCHER, an already formidable school teacher whose threatening demeanor is magnified after she becomes host to one of the evil aliens that are replacing the townsfolk. Most parents were well aware that FLETCHER could play scary in her sleep after her Oscar winning performance in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, but the kiddie set were startled to find their every classroom fear personified on screen. The scene where young David Gardner (HUNTER CARSON) stumbles upon the malicious schoolmarm dining on a frog behind the science class was particularly unsettling for Kermit loving kiddies, and burned a lasting mark into many of their minds. So, here's to you FLETCHER for hitting a nerve in all of us who ever had to stay after class. You revealed a truth that many of us had already suspected; much like the aliens from the miniseries V, the administrators at our schools where covertly munching on defenseless smaller animals while our collective backs were turned!

    Ghosthouse

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    Although the ever-popular traumatizer POLTERGEIST CLOWN DOLL never reappeared in the subsequent POLTERGEIST sequels (one assumes he was destroyed with the house…weep!), a reasonable facsimile (direct rip-off) does wreak havoc in the Boston-shot, Italian-produced lesser spook ride GHOSTHOUSE. Along with a creepy unsympathetic ghost girl, this clown doll maliciously murders all who stray into his home in this schlock-athon directed by CANNIBAL kingpin UMBERTO LENZI. GREG SCOTT stars as ham radio enthusiast Paul who stumbles across a broadcast of several people screaming in horror while fiddling with his dials. He follows the signal to a house where several squatters have taken up residence. Recognizing the voices as their own, the rag tag team of camping buds stand in line to be systematically slaughtered by the polter-tyke and her terrible toy. Deliciously gory, yet routinely moronic, you'll only hurt your brain trying to make sense of the characters behaviors and the elusive storyline. More like a brainstorm of unconnected horror ideas spit across the screen, when it works you'll be on the edge of your seat cheering, and when it fails you'll be on the edge of your pillow napping. Sure it's a mangled incoherent mess and five hours too long, but really who among us is strong enough to resist the pull of a killer clown doll movie? They're just too few and too far between to quibble about such non-necessities as competent, rational storytelling. 

       INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • Whenever the ghost girl and her evil clown dolly appear, they are accompanied by what is referred to in the movie as a nursery rhyme like song. In fact, it sounds neither like a song nor a rhyme, and more closely resembles a robotic voiced child in the back of a car asking over and over again, "Are we here? Are we there yet?"
    • Someone please explain Pepe the hitchhiker to me.
    • Not scared of kids and dolls? The handyman is a maniac who will kill you with a cleaver that is for some reason referred to as an axe
    • Not scared of handymen? There's also a ghostly Doberman Pinscher to contend with
    • Not scared of dogs? Don't worry an unexplained maggoty-faced grim reaper stops by!
    • Head in a washing machine!

     

             

    Official Traumatot: Ann Carter

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    Give it up for 40's child star ANN CARTER! After gaining attention playing VERONICA LAKE's bewitching offspring in I MARRIED A WITCH she astounded many with her touching portrayal of an imaginative square peg in the classic CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE. HALEY JOEL OSMET may have become a household name whispering "I see dead people," but decades earlier this flaxen haired wonder had been there and done that. We're proud to bestow her with our highest honor THE HONORARY TRAUMATOT AWARD!