Somewhere within the bowels of Kindertrauma mansion lies a room. A room that even Aunt John is blissfully unaware of…
Critters
Two bounty hunters from outer space who can absorb the identity of anyone around them are hired to hunt down a group of escapees from a prison asteroid. These on-the-run aliens are really on-the-roll as they're in the form of fuzzy bowling bowls with countless teeth and shootable poisonous quills. Like most new arrivals to Earth their first stop is DEE WALLACE STONE's house. Here Dee is a Midwestern farmer's wife with two kids, a precocious ginger boy (SCOTT GRIMES) and a daughter preoccupied with locking lips with a young BILLY ZANE. One of the bounty hunters quickly assumes the form of an ‘80s era rock star while the more fickle one assumes the identities of various townsfolk. Equipped with futuristic weapons, they aid the family in clearing the town of the terrorizing GREMLINS inspired mutant tumbleweeds. There's no real scares or gore here and the focus is more on quipy humor sometimes delivered in the hairy hooligans own tongue and subtitled for maximum comedic effect. By films end, the stakes are raised when a giant sized critter joins the fray but all ends well with the miraculous reverse collapse of the family home complete with reconstructed mailbox with beloved family feline CHEWY residing within safe from harm and flying quills.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S)
- Horribly accurate mid-eighties music video
- Critter language has a facsimile for the F word
- Critter rips E.T. doll to shreds
- Village idiot turns out to be virtuoso at baseball and Molotov cocktail throwing
- One well-placed firecracker destroys critter spacecraft
- Dad's GHOSTBUSTERS-esque bowling shirt
KINDERPRESS
Hey look! Kindertrauma was mentioned in RUE MORGUE magazine (Dec. issue #74), how great is that? We'd just like to thank the fine folks over there for thinking of us (especially one Monica S. Kuebler)! We're very proud to be singled out in such an illustrious not to mention very cool publication!
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Tony on Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Back in the day, there was a short series of old school horror story anthologies called SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK. Now, if the stories didn't scare you shitless as a kid (and they usually did), then Stephen Gammel's horrifying illustrations sure as hell got the job done. To this very day, there's a particular drawing that I can't bring myself to look at. The story was about a girl whose nightmare was coming true, and the illustration was that of a hideously obese woman with thin gangly arms, oily black hair, tiny black eyes, and an enormous smile. It doesn't sound so bad when I describe it, but trust me, it's pretty damn traumatizing for an eight year old. The book is sitting in my bookshelf as I type, and there's no way I'd take it out at night.
KINDERBATTLE: General (CAT'S EYE) vs. Momma Rat (NIGHTMARES)
Who will win in this no holds barred battle for supremacy? GENERAL has been victorious over run ins with both CHRISTINE and CUJO! MOMMA RAT, hailing from Germany, is a mythical creature ten times his size! Forget TOM AND JERRY, scrap ITCHY AND SCRATCHY… this is the ultimate battle between feline and rodent (not to mention anthology movie vs. anthology movie) and your vote will decide the outcome! Tell us who you prefer and why in our comments section, and you will be eligible through a random numerical drawing to win not only an official hand made one of a kind KINDERTRAUMA T-shirt (size will be determined by availability) but also an official KINDERTRAUMA button! Vote now and vote hard, vote as often as you like! You may be the deciding factor in the war between GOOD and sorta EVIL but really just trying to get her baby back!
New Year's Evil
Diane Sullivan (ROZ KELLY, best remembered for her short-lived role as FONZIE's love interest PINKY TUSCADERO on HAPPY DAYS), the self-proclaimed, high priestess of the presumably UHF-watching punk rock set, is the flame-haired hostess of a New Year's Eve countdown show on a channel in the higher range of the television dial. Better known to her legions of alternative fans by her super-punk (cough) stage name BLAZE, Sullivan is more concerned with her camera time than the whereabouts of her drunk husband and the general welfare of her odd-looking, adult actor son who just landed a part on some sort of pilot. The show must go on, and BLAZE takes the stage to grind up on the lead guitarist of her televised house band, lord over the studio pogo pit, and take live phone calls from the losers stuck watching her show. (more…)
Kids in Horror Films :: The Best of 2007
You know we love to talk about the movies that scared you as a kid, but don't forget that here at KINDERTRAUMA we've got our eyes peeled for kids in horror films in general, and 2007 brought a fine bounty of critters who face horrific obstacles and/or are horrific obstacles themselves. Here is our list of favorites from 2007. Please let us know in the comments if there are any that we forgot and remember, watch where your tread there are spoilers ahead!
- JACK KETCHUM'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
Take away the fact that this movie is a nearly unwatchable, soul-destroying slip and slide ride into an endless abyss that will have you scrambling to piece together not only your will to live, but your tattered faith in humanity and it's a pretty good flick. It's certainly a faithful adaptation, though whether that's a good or bad thing, I have yet to come to terms with it. The entire young cast deserves accolades, if not for their more than competent work, than for simply not committing suicide midway through production. At 22, BLYTH AUFARTH is far from a child actress, but she should be singled out for her unflinchingly brave performance as the tortured title character especially when her peers are busy playing amputated strippers. - THEM (ils)
By mentioning this film on this list I have spoiled it's secret surprise ending. "Them" are a bunch of kids who murder and terrorize for sport in this French import based on a true story. The fact is, we take a "You snooze, you loose" attitude here at Kindertrauma. I know it hurts, I wanted to be surprised by the retro-cylons in BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: RAZOR and some web site blew that for me. But don't be angry; just think off all the subtitles I just saved you from reading. - ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN
DAEG FAERCH, whose name I've typed so many times this year that I can almost spell it correctly without Google aid, had the daunting task of playing the young version of the slasher world's most honored icon. Even if you've seen the theatrical and bootleg cuts, do yourself a favor and watch that spiffy new unrated edition. I was already impressed with the lil' squirt's interpretation, but the new version has some great black and white hand-held Loomis-cam footage that cinches the deal. - WHISPER (aka HELLION)
This doomed to DVD troubled production fails on many accounts, but has its heart in the right place and more than enough going for it to sustain interest. A great set up, "What if you accidentally kidnapped a devil kid?" garnished with excellent supporting players (like HENRY's MICHAEL ROOKER) and topped off with the awe inspiring cinematography of DEAN CUNDY (HALLOWEEN, THE THING). Sure, it's all a bit unconvincing but it blows last year's OMEN remake out of the water thanks to devil kid BLAKE WOODRUFF's knowingly sly delivery. - 28 WEEKS LATER
MACINTOSH MUGGLETON plays the part of a normal kid with a normal name, but his life is anything but. In this quiet domestic drama, Andy finds out his mother is half zombie and his dad is about to follow her lead. How do people who love each other stay together when the people they love are no longer the people that they love?… Nah! just kidding, there are no zombies in this movie, just speedy red-eyed RAGE virus freakos! - JOSHUA
What happens when you cross arthouse with grindhouse? Joshua the creepy kid tries to kill SAM ROCKWELL's baby! Or at least it seems that way at first. Actually little Joshy (JACOB KOGAN) has much more elaborate plans that include turning everyone around him ape-shit bonkers. His work is more subtle than most child maniacs, but you gotta respect the fact that he offers a homeless man 5 dollars if he'll let him throw a rock at him, and that he closes the film belting out an impromptu show tune about his misdeeds. - THE MIST
Apparently I only ruin French movies because my lips are sealed on this tragically ignored future classic. Suffice it to say, the ending will blow you away and that young NATHAN GAMBLE participates in a scene that happily breaks every law of American cinema. - KID NATION
O.K. this is not a horror movie, it's not even a movie, and some would say it's not even a proper television show, but c'mon we needed some more gals in our class [Note to Hollywood: Where have all the killer girls gone? Get on that!] and who is cooler than SOPHIA? Casting agents get to work, and redeem yourselves by tapping the talents of this TATUM O'NEAL-like, wise beyond her years, super-star waiting to happen! Stick her in MIST 2: THE AFTERMATH, or even 28 MONTHS LATER, just make it happen!
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Daniel on The Man Who Saw Tomorrow
This isn't technically about a movie. It's about a documentary, which ran on Cinemax or HBO, called THE MAN WHO SAW TOMORROW. The documentary was narrated by ORSON WELLES, which is creepy enough.
It was about 1982, I was about 10 years old. I must have been at that very impressionable age, but this movie changed my life. The show started out saying that all Nostradamus' prophecies had come true: He'd predicted Napoleon, the US revolutionary war, Lincoln's assassination, Hitler and the Holocaust, Hiroshima, and the JFK assassination. So I had to believe that this guy was legit!
TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Renee on The Night of the Living Dead
In the summer of 1969 my twin sister and I were nine years old. My father took us to the drive in for a double feature: WILLARD and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. I thought it was bad enough that the mean teenaged boys made rat noises when we walked to the concession stand during intermission, but that was nothing compared to how I felt when my father drove us through a cemetery on the way home and pretended to run out of gas. We screamed and screamed and screamed. To this day he insists that was the best way home, but we had never seen that cemetery before that night, and we never drove through it again. I can't watch NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (a personal favorite) without chuckling over that memory.
Nightmares
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- FEAR's LEE VING makes a cameo
- Even the sexy whiles of MOON UNIT ZAPPA can't distract our EMILIO!
- Hooray, one of the evil video monsters is an obvious homage to Centipede!
- The devil truck emerges from under the earth
- The rat rips apart all of the little girl's stuffed animals EXCEPT the one that looks like a mouse. MRS. FRISBY represent!
