kindertrauma

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How does one measure the traumatic effect of adrenaline-fueled anticipation followed by sheer unadulterated soul crushing disappointment? For the pint-sized nerds in training who were unfortunate enough to witness the lone broadcast of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL the level of utter bewilderment it inspired created a life long scar and initiated them forever into the ranks of the walking wounded. Imagine the cruelty of discovering Lucas's fantastic universe only to watch it be savagely debased by LAND OF THE LOST level special effects and a DONNY AND MARIE SHOW level cavalcade of bottom feeder guest stars. I actually believe that this much bootlegged atrocity has the power to drive the viewer insane. It is a viscous slap in the face of all that is rational and is the equivalent of a pixelated k hole. Grotesque dance numbers that would have been rejected from SOLID GOLD are sandwiched between scenes of a Wookie family being terrorized by storm troopers and sub moronic HARVEY KORMAN sketches. If you are strong enough to make it to the finale that involves CARRIE FISHER singing to the original film's theme, you will be rewarded with a montage of footage from the classic film as a sort of nasty taunt of the world you've left behind. Some of this spaceship wreck is indeed hilarious, and modern viewers will find much to laugh at, but I guarantee you, that laugh will slowly die and be replaced by a growing fear that there is something very, very wrong in the universe.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Unbearable dialogue-free opening consists of what seems like hours of nonsensical Wookie speak that sounds like a donkey being beaten to death by a 2×4
  • Grandpa Itchy's holiday gift entails virtual DIANE CARROL porn
  • Crazy-making miniature Cirque de Soliel dance number
  • Imperial guard can't resist tapping his fingers to JEFFERSON STARSHIP
  • BEA ARTHUR is cruised by HARVEY KORMAN at Mos Eisley Cantina and delivers a song that clears the house.
  • BEA reveals a clandestine relationship with an alien; "Short memory eh Thorpe?…SHORT MEMORY!" (Understandably, Thorpe appears to have blocked this drunken indiscretion from his mind).

Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out!)

Posted on By aunt john

After seeing Mommy get her freak on with Santa Claus, Harry Stadling (BRANDON MAGGART) develops into an emotionally crippled man obsessed with all things Christmas. By day, Harry works in middle management at the Jolly Dream toy factory ("Remember, if it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having!"), and by night he maintains meticulous notes on the good and bad doings of the neighborhood children. Moss Garcia, a bratty little boy on Harry's radar, is relegated to the naughty list for having impure thoughts and "negative body hygiene." While watching the Macy's Day Parade, Harry begins his descent into yuletide madness, and crafts a traditional Saint Nick outfit out of plush red fabric, ample thigh padding, and fur trimmings. He slathers his face with gum spirits, applies the requisite snow-white beard and mustache, and sets out on Christmas Eve to distribute toys to kids at the Willowy Springs Hospital in a white raper van with a sleigh painted on the side. After dropping off the toys, Harry spends the rest of the evening giving people what he feels they deserve. For the good boys and girls, it's toys; for the bad grown-ups, it's axes to the forehead, throats slashed with tree toppers, and eyes gouged out with toy soldiers. On Christmas Day, Harry is cornered by a crowd a townspeople, and one of the cinema's best chase scenes involving a mob with torches pursuing a soot-covered maniac dressed as Santa Claus driving a beat up van ensues. Definitely more of a black comedy than a Santa slasher flick, CHRISTMAS EVIL is grounded by MAGGART's masterfully understated performance. He makes the homicides seem justified since the victims were definitely naughty, and that's pretty nice in my book.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Young Harry cuts himself with a snow globe after catching Mom & Santa under the tree
  • Toy soldier to eye!
  • Harry's impromptu X-Mas polka at the VWF post
  • The Christmas broach Harry takes to the face
  • The closing scene where Harry drives off the bridge… you should see that white raper van fly!

Top 10 Least Loved RANKIN & BASS Characters

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Yea, yea, yea, we get it, Rankin and Bass created a Christmas staple with RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER, and SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN is probably the best origin story Kris Kringle will ever receive. Even the somewhat lesser YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS introduced two original characters in the form of misers Heat and Snow that have become universally loved generational touchstones. But for every appreciated addition to the Christmas lexicon there are a half dozen more that garnered a resounding, "Thanks, but no thanks" from discerning tots. Rankin and Bass, apparently high off earlier successes (or something else) took a "throw every conceivable holiday and childhood icon against the wall and see what sticks" attitude in later productions that left television airwaves riddled with some of the most annoying and unwanted characters in history.We apologize in advance if you are insane enough to feel any love for the following…
10. Tingler, the sound imp from LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF SANTA CLAUS. He brays like a goat and is useless when battling the Orc-like "Awgwas". ADVENTURES was based on a book by OZ scribe L. FRANK BAUM but does all a disservice by negating everything that transpired in SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN. Being accused by Christian groups as being Satanic is usually enough to keep a program on our good side, but Tingler's harlequin bells remind us of the dastardly troll in CAT'S EYE, so here he sits!
9. Drunk Leprechaun from LEPRECHAUNS CHRISTMAS GOLD. We admit that rampant alcoholism is as important to the holidays as inappropriate mistletoe behavior and re-gifting, but these greedy magical lushes have their OWN holiday already! Plus the color green is more than adequately represented on X-mas, thank you.
8. Sister Jean from FIRST CHRISTMAS SNOW. A nun's habit is like the international symbol for brain numbing boredom to any normal child. Throw in lightening inflicted blindness and feral wolves for the perfect holiday feel bad downer.
7. Miss Lilly Loraine (ETHEL MERMAN) from RUDOLPH AND FROSTY'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY. With her inadequately explained ability to fly, inappropriate bust line, and penchant for belting out a song about her dissatisfying love life, this circus person comes off like a familiar sad relative who hides her chronic loneliness behind a mask of bawdy, out of date, self-deprecating humor.
6. Jack Frost from FROSTY'S WINTER WONDERLAND. As far as arch villains go, this bitter jealous old queen is about as threatening as a PROJECT RUNWAY judge. Luckily Frosty's wife Crystal (SHELLY WINTERS) knows the secret to disarming sociopathic egomaniacs like Miss Frost; a couple empty sycophantic compliments and he's blue putty in her frozen hands!
5. Celebrating the zero-wattage star power of GEORGE GOBEL, ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS takes place in the always snore-filled olden-timey days. It's most annoying character is by far the intolerable, bespecled mouse Albert. Like many Christmas nay-sayers, Albert is preoccupied with useless subjects like science and reality, and with one scathing dis of a letter is able to make the usually reliable Saint Nick throw in the towel for good. In the R& B tradition everyone involved in this production has dental problems.
4. RUDOLPH'S HAPPY NEW YEAR concerns our red-nosed pal's search for missing baby "Happy" whose gargantuan ears cause ridicule wherever he crawls. Characters like caveman O.M. (short for One Million) give him a run for his money, but with his constant stupefied expression, WILLIAM KATT hair-don't and monstrous overbite, "Happy" takes the prize for least lovable being in this barrel scraper.
3. Like all chronic people-pleasers, Pinnoccio from PINOCCHIO'S CHRISTMAS is a habitual liar. His self obsession and preoccupation with becoming real is about as entertaining as a snow bank melting. The inescapable phallic symbolism of his uncontrollable olfactory organ and dud songs like "Knock on Wood" exasperate what's already a holiday must-miss.
2. Cribbing desperately from the far superior Rudolph story, Nester of NESTER THE LONG EARED DONKEY is another sad sack that is ripped to shreds by everybody until the fateful day they find some selfish use for him. This depressing nightmare even includes a scene in which Nester's mother freezes to death on top of him while trying to protect him from a severe snow storm. As far as holiday fun goes, you might as well watch REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.
1. Give it up!, JACK FROST is not a viable Christmas character! He sucked as a bad guy in that Frosty toon (#6), and he stinks as a protagonist in this clunker! From its obnoxious trying too hard opening theme that consists of various shots of Jack, arms akimbo laughing his head off about God knows what, this lump of coal is the most repellent of the R&B specials. Even if we could stomach the SANDY DUNCAN-like shenanigans of its titular star, there's no excuse for killjoy BUDDY HACKET as a narrating groundhog!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Irving Wallace on Deadly Friend

Posted on By unkle lancifer

throw mamma a basketball!

One film that traumatized me for life was DEADLY FRIEND. I saw this film when I was around 6 when my babysitter used to work at a video store and would rent all the horror movies for me to watch. She got me DEADLY FRIEND one day and the scene where Samantha's having a dream and her dad comes in and starts cussing at her and going crazy like he's gonna rape her or something, and then she takes a flower vase and sticks it in his eye and he starts laughing and screaming while blood is streaming out of the vase! Of course I love this film now, and it's one of my faves, but it still kinda freaks me out when I see this scene. Also some other good scenes in the film would be when Elvira Parker (ANNE RAMSEY from THE GOONIES) gets her head blown off by a basketball that Sam threw; when Sam kills her dad in the cellar by burning him; and the ultra close up shots of brain surgery.

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Ryan Midnight on G.I. Joe

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

There is an episode from the first season of G.I. JOE called "There's No Place Like Springfield" in which Shipwreck is captured and put under hypnosis in an attempt to get some top secret information out of him. In one part of this dream, Shipwreck watches as some of his fellow G.I. Joe team members literally melt before his eyes! It was this part that just freaked the Hell right out of me. I think I must have come in on the episode halfway, because I didn't know at the time what was happening in the plot. I never watched another episode of G.I. Joe again, for fear that I might unknowingly stumble across "that" episode. 

Unkle Lancifer says: All you critters out there feel free to visit Ryan any time of day at his home turf MOVIES AT MIDNIGHT! And check out this link to the EPISODE IN QUESTION. Ryan ain't kidding, it's a real doozy mind-screw that plays like JACOB'S LADDER: THE ANIMATED SERIES. (If MACAULAY CULKIN's part was played by a parrot!)

  

Demon Seed

Posted on By unkle lancifer


After super computer Proteus (voiced by ROBERT VAUGHAN) and his creator Alex Harris (FRITZ WEAVER) agree to disagree about the ecological risks of ocean mining among other things, Proteus decides to take matters into his own non-hands by highjacking the home of Harris's estranged wife Susan(JULIE CHRISTIE).Touchy-feely seventies psychology goes head to head with clinical science as these two battle for control of the roost. With the help of an armed wheel chair and absolute power over every electronic device available in the futuristic domicile, Proteus easily gains the upper metalic hand by breaking Susan down PATTY HEARST style. It turns out that the all-knowing computer is not interested in harming his human speciman, but rather wants to impregnate her with his child to achieve imortality. Less famous than its SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR parody, DEMON SEED is an interesting, though far fetched psychedelic ride obvioulsly indebted if not in awe of STANLEY KUBRICK'S masterpiece 2001: A SPACE ODDITY. The end results of Proteus's biological tinkering are amusing at first thanks to some wonky effects work but when the scales are peeled off the new-age golden child, we learn that our domineering databank may have had a heart after all.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • CHRISTIE gets "baked" in her kitchen
  • The simulated electric shock doorbell death of a little girl
  • GERRIT GRAHAM (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE) looses his head
  • The trippy insemination dream
  • Birth of a 14 carrot gold Garbaage Pail Kid

The Gate

Posted on By unkle lancifer

the gate
Glenn (a young STEPHEN DORFF), his pal Terry and his big sister "Al" (CHRISTA DENTON from NOT MY KID) are shouldering some new found responsibility, not only are they spending the weekend sans guardians, but they've also accidentally, through a string of missteps that include bloodletting, animal sacrifice and incantation, kinda-sorta opened the doorway to hell. That doorway is a bad thing cuz the creeps who plan to use it are "the old ones" — ancient Lovecrafty monsters that used to inhabit our world and are itching to get it back. (Thankfully Terry is a metal head and got a heads up by playing an LP backwards.) Can they close THE GATE and save the planet from an eternity of darkness? Well it's either that or re-title the picture DON'T TELL MOM THE WHOLE WORLD IS DEAD! This fun nostalgic romp will instantly bring you back to the time of first sleepovers complete with basement wreck rooms, flashlights, ghost stories and levitation experiments. Brimming with some of the most creative special effects ever put to screen, it's easy to overlook the script's earnest attempts to tackle its characters less fantastic dilemmas. Terry has lost his mother recently and siblings Glen and Al's age difference is coming into play. An awkward time is perfectly captured as big sis Al throws away her dolls in exchange for trips to the mall, and Glen is left fending for himself and sweating the mortality of the family dog. These psychological demons are battled alongside miniature imp creatures, a relentless zombie and an enormous kraken-like overlord beast that tears through the house. Unabashedly soft-hearted (love saves the day), THE GATE is still no slouch when it comes to the gore, and you simply have not lived until you've seen somebody stabbed in the eye with a Barbie doll leg!

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Dead mom turns into dead dog
  • Bumpy moving walls and the hands under the bed
  • The parents return evil… "YOU'VE BEEN BAD!"
  • Terry falls into the gate, imps attack his leg
  • Terry's made up story about a construction worker being stuck in the wall becomes real
  • Giant demon breaks through the living room floor!
  • Weapon of choice? Toy rocket!

The Night of the Hunter

Posted on By aunt john

After getting pinched for grand-theft auto, serial-widow-killer/preacher Harry Powell (ROBERT MITCHUM) spends some quality time in the pokey with Ben Harper (PETER GRAVES), a father of two sentenced to death for killing two men and stealing $10,000. Preacher Powell takes note of the never-recovered cash, and upon his release makes his way into the heart of Harper's young widow Willa (SHELLEY WINTERS). Powell's scripture spouting routine fools everyone in town, except for Willa's young son John (BILLY CHAPIN) who kept a promise to his father to never reveal that the money is stashed in his kid sister Pearl's rag doll. Powell quickly dispenses of Willa with his trusty switchblade when she realizes that he only married for the money, and sets his sadistic sights on the two children. John and Pearl escape down the river in a rowboat, and eventually find refuge in a makeshift orphanage run by the salt-of-the-Earth Rachel Cooper (LILLIAN GISH). Equally versed in the Bible, Mrs. Cooper sees through Powell's wolf-in-sheep's-clothing façade, and brings the deplorable deacon to justice with the aid of her even trustier shotgun.THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER was, sadly, the only movie directed by veteran character actor CHARLES LAUGHTON ( THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME, ISLAND OF LOST SOULS). It almost seems as if he took a page out of ORSON WELLES' CITIZEN KANE playbook, and ran down the field for a touchdown with his masterful use of black-and-white cinematography. The shots, coupled with the skillful use of shadows, provides the film with the much-needed tension that elevates it beyond your basic good-vs.-evil/ cat-and-mouse structure. Most of the movie feels and looks like a painting come to life

ROBERT MITCHUM is undeniable in the bad-ass department, but he really meets his match in the slight frame of LILLIAN GISH. There's something to be said about maternal instincts and the powers that they hold. GISH, although portraying a God-fearing lady, subtlety conveys a "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, OR THESE CHILDREN!" sentiment with a cock of her eyes upon meeting MITCHUM on her porch. The scene in which she holds an all-night vigil in her rocker with a shotgun, while Powell is outside singing, and she finishes the chorus to the ditty, is the first sign of peace this tense film allows.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Mrs. Cooper surrounded by the chorus of disembodied kids heads in the opening sequence
  • Preacher Powell's explanation for the tattoos on his hands
  • SHELLEY WINTERS' watery grave scene in the car at the bottom of the lake
  • John & Pearl barely escaping Powell on the basement steps (Why isn't this movie credited for initiating that horror-flick staple?)
  • The lynch-mob scene (not unlike those featured on THE SIMPSONS) that forms outside of the courthouse

TRAUMAFESSIONS: Christopher Youngblood on The Amityville Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

Years ago when I was younger one of my brothers and a few of his friends were talking about THE AMITYVILLE HORROR and how scary it was. I eventually talked my older brother Dan into letting me watch it…BIG mistake! At the film's end, I thought "That wasn't too scary," but I was dreaming if I thought I would find sleep that night or any night anytime soon. That movie had such a profound effect on me that I was not able to sleep for nearly two weeks. My parents eventually had to take me to a therapist to help me with my insomnia. That movie terrified me so badly, and my brother was in the doghouse for a long time for showing that to me! What scared me so bad is that I thought it was all true and that something like that could happen to me as well. There are not many things that scare me on this planet, but the Devil does. To this day that movie still gives me the creeps!

If you'd like to read Christopher's take on many of your favorite slasher flicks, check him out over at Unkle Lancifer's Alma Mater RETRO SLASHERS!

Ghost Story

Posted on By unkle lancifer


The chowder society, a group of elderly gentlemen played by screen legends FRED ASTAIRE, MELVYN DOUGLAS, DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS JR. and JOHN HOUSEMAN (THE FOG), gather on occasion to spook each other out with ghost stories. All of its members are beginning to not only have horrific dreams but also vivid visitations from a female spirit. The groups actual function may be for its members to silently commiserate about a dastardly deed they themselves committed long ago. The apparition is apparently feeding off their guilt while seeking vengeance for this unmentionable act. The son of one of its members (ELM STREET 3's CRAIG WASSON) has hands-on knowledge of the ghost's vendetta, not only because she killed his twin sibling but because he's been playing dirty bath tub games with her himself. This movie is a real heartbreaker. It has elements that are absolutely sublime, like it's gorgeous cinematography, bombastic BERNARD HERMAN-like score, not to mention it's trump card, an other worldly  performance by ALICE KRIGE (SILENT HILL), and yet every time it should be leaping, it frustratingly pulls back on the reigns. Based on PETER STRAUB'S novel, arguably one of the best modern supernatural tales in existence, one expects more. Sadly the script not only bites off more than it can chew but out of exhaustion, settles for gnawing on the plate rather than the meal. Ambiance goes a long way and there are some real chills to be found here, but you do have to wade through several very ineffective scare scenes as well. Sloppy editing, characters leaping toward the camera, and poorly orchestrated prat falls abound. But if loving GHOST STORY is wrong, I don't want to be right. It's got some major flaws, but every time I see FAIRBANKS take his fateful walk toward the town bridge through a blanket of all encompassing snow I'm in my happy place. Did I mention the gorgeous matte work of ALBERT WITLOCK is like a gift from God? Maybe when I'm dead I'll come back to haunt the script writer and editor and I'll finally feel fulfilled.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • WASSON's full frontal skyscraper fall
  • When they were younger the chowderheads were so douche-y that one of them had to be played by KEN OLIN
  • DICK SMITH's awesome effects, though sometimes sloppily incorporated, consistently break the tedium
  • FRED ASTAIRE carries a blade and he ain't afraid to use it!