kindertrauma

Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When it's primarily the pre-teen set that's buying tickets, five years can be a long time between films. Many a GREMLINS t-shirt was outgrown between 1984 and 1989. The result? This worthwhile sequel came and went without nary a mogwai chirp. It's a shame because THE NEW BATCH is everything a sequel ought to be and much more. It brings back the elements from the original that we are nostalgic for (though admittedly it is FELDMAN-less) while expanding it's universe and upping the ante at every turn. G2 goes one further still, by splicing it's DNA into nearly every known genre and becoming a different beast altogether. By films end, it becomes a whirlwind collage of self references, fourth wall obliteration and non-stop cinephilia. (more…)

Gremlins

Posted on By aunt john

undefined
As the Christmas snow powders the sleepy streets of Kingston Falls, inventor Randall Peltzer (HOYT AXTON) returns from a business trip with an exotic mogwai he picked up in New York's Chinatown for his son Billy (ZACH GALLIGAN). Billy is delighted by the furry little creature his father has dubbed Gizmo, and sort of half-listens to the three caveats that govern the gift of the mogwai: don't expose it to bright light; don't get it wet; and never EVER feed it after midnight. (more…)

The Willies

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 


Here's a strange little horror anthology geared toward the Nickelodeon set. It's wraparound tale involves three kids in a backyard tent (one of whom is SEAN ASTIN) swapping scary stories and trying to gross each other out with adolescent humor. The structure is an oddity as we begin with various blink and you'll miss them vignettes about well known urban legends, like the dog in the microwave, then move on to two excessively long tales that fill out the bulk of the film. The first concerns a tormented boy who finds a monster in the boy's lavatory at school. Although it's played as broadly as possible, it's easy to imagine a child thinking twice about using a bathroom stall after viewing. It's given some buoyancy thanks to stand out performances from greats JAMES KAREN & CLU GULAGER (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD) and KATHLEEN FREEMAN(GREMLINS 2 THE NEW BATCH). The second and most memorable tale introduces us to the most unlikable protagonist this side of 1981'S THE PIT. Gordy Belcher is an overweight social pariah who spends his days creating tiny dioramas of dead flies. He's impossible to sympathize with, but bizarrely fascinating anyway. He has a constantly constipated expression unless he's witnessing somebody in anguish, in which case he howls with delight. His private war with a crypt keeper like farmer ends when the farmer offers him an olive branch in the form of magic manure that escalates growth in plant-life. Gordy's tiny insect obsessions dine on the doo and greet him at the foot of his bed in new gargantuan form ready to extract long overdue revenge.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • The appearances of Seaver siblings TRACEY GOLD, JEREMY MILLER and yes, a sense of humor intact KIRK CAMERON!
  • TWIN PEAKS alum DANA ASHBROOK and KIMMY ROBERTSON also appear!
  • The Janitor putting on his mask
  • Gordy laughs at a near fatal car crash
  • The fly on a crucifix in the tiny church
  • Girl munching into Gordy's homemade fly cookie
  • Gordy's new appendages

Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?

Posted on By aunt john

Following the success of BETTE DAVIS and JOAN CRAWFORD in WHATVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE?, Hollywood developed a formula for dealing with A-List actresses of a certain age. Take the over-the-hill screen siren, slap her into a harebrained thriller, and watch the camp meter explode. Such is the case with SHELLEY WINTERS over-the-top turn as widow Rosie Forest in 1971's WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO? After her only daughter Katherine dies in one of those unfortunate, "Mommy, watch me slide down the banister" mishaps, the insanely wealthy Rosie spends her days caring for the child's mummified remains that she keeps stashed in a hidden nursery, and trying to make contact with the dead girl via séances facilitated by an obviously fake medium. Once a year, Rosie, aka Auntie Roo, opens her big heart and expansive manor to select children from the local orphanage at Christmas time. When the uninvited brother-and-sister tag team of Katy and Christopher crash the holiday festivities, Rosie realizes the striking resemblance between Katy and her dead daughter, and does what any grieving mother would do; she kidnaps the young girl and locks her away in the hidden nursery. After the rest of the children are carted back to the orphanage, Christopher hangs back and wages a one-boy battle against the unhinged Auntie Roo in order to free his sister. The film makes no secret that it is a retelling of Hansel & Gretel, Christopher articulates this one too many times in various voiceovers, and it makes the obligatory nod to the Wicked Witch of THE WIZARD OF OZ with Auntie Roo's hourglass in the kitchen. WINTERS never really comes across as a witch, but more of a bat-shit insane mother, and the analogy falls somewhat flat. 

INDELIBLE SCENE(S): 

  • Auntie Roo performs a soft-shoe routine for the orphans on Christmas Eve, and SHELLEY shows off some ample inner-thigh
  • WINTERS pre-dates JACK NICHOLSON's classic "Here's Johnny" move in THE SHINING by nine years when she hacks her way through the pantry door with a meat clever, followed by a close-up of her face in said shattered door
  • The mummified remains of the daughter crumbling in Auntie Roo's gloved hands
  • Auntie Roo devours an apple

Dreamscape

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

A young Dennis Quiad stars in this genre hodge-podge as down on his luck psychic saxophonist Alex Gardner. His once mentor Paul Novotny (MAX VON SYDOW) along with love interest KATE CAPSHAW convince him to work on an experiment that will allow him to enter other people's dreams and cure them of unwanted nightmares. High on the "to do" list is a young boy (TINA YOTHER's brother COREY) whose dreams were terrifying enough to kill the last psychic who ventured into his noggin, followed by the president of the United States whose dreams of nuclear Armageddon are feared to be prophetic. The flies in this ointment are the reliably sinister CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER and a creepy competive fellow psychic named Tommy Ray (played with zeal by DAVID PATRICK KELLY who is famously responsible for that sing-song chant from THE WARRIORS). In a film whose major concern is nuclear annihilation, it's amusing to note that the biggest scares come from a somewhat silly imaginary being known as the Snakeman. Through a dream realm that is equal parts Dr. Suess and Dr. Caligari, Quiad does battle with the sometimes stop-motion animated creature and is visibly unnerved by the experience. This fact is not lost on enemy Tommy Ray who uses this fear to his advantage in the future. DREAMSCAPE certainly has enough plates in the air so it's all the more impressive when they all land together beautifully in the crashing finale, a buffet of radio active mutants, glowing eyed dogs, neon numchucks and the return of Snakeman!

INDELIBLE SCENE(S): 

  • Opening dream with the President's wife trying in vain to outrun a mushroom cloud
  • The Woody Allen-like, circus music infueled infidelity dream
  • "That's my dad, he won't help."
  • The twisty non-stop staircase
  • George Wendt as a novelist
  • The post apocalyptic train ride

    •  

Kinderguest Richard of DoomedMoviethon.com

Posted on By unkle lancifer

My first R-Rated film was a little police procedural Slasher hybrid called 10 TO MIDNIGHT starring CHARLES BROSON. I believe I was only 7 years old when the film premiered on HBO. My parents and some assorted aunts and uncles were gathered around the TV watching this trashy flick and nobody seemed to notice that I was even there. The plot, as interpreted by my 7 year old mind, goes like this: A serial killer gets naked and then kills naked women; it is up to a detective (Bronson) to kill the serial killer.

My most distinct memory of the film is when the killer goes after a black girl. This gorgeous and quite voluptuous young woman is taking a very steamy shower when the killer strikes. The image of a nude
man stabbing the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen (up to that point) has stayed with me for over two decades.

While this shower-scene-gone-terribly-wrong is taking place, my aunt looks at me with a bewildered look on her face, as though she just noticed I'm even in the room. She then looks to my mother and she says, "Should Ricky be watching this?"

My mom, without missing a beat, says, "Oh, he won't remember this!"

I have yet to revisit 10 TO MIDNIGHT since that fateful night, despite the fact that it has finally appeared on DVD. This memory is too special (for good and for bad reasons) for me and I'm worried that seeing the film again will spoil it for me. Was my obsession with horror films (especially Slashers) hatched right there and then? Probably. One thing's for sure, my mother's theory on the absorbency of the adolescent mind could probably have used a little work.

Hey kids, go crash the non-stop viewing party at Richard's great site Doomed Moviethon.

Night Terror

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Harried homemaker Carol Turner (VALERIE HARPER) has much on her plate, her family is in the middle of a move and she just can't seem to get it together. Forgetful and frazzled, she relies on her husband's near constant guidance. Due to uncontrollable events Carol is about to get a crash course in self preservation. Learning her youngest child has fallen ill, she set's off on an impromptu road trip to Phoenix. This is a ballsy move for old Sal, who was previously peevish about driving on the interstate. Her initial experiences while driving on her own two feet are uniformly dismal. Young hippy haired kids mock her and fellow female drivers disown her. When she finds she's run out of gas her instinct to ask for help from others gets her into deep shit, as she witnesses the murder of a cop and is tagged by his executioner as a target that must be snuffed. A car chase follows that can easily be read as the female version of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S DUEL. What's different here is the depiction of the threatening driver RICHARD ROMANUS, whose scarred neck and dog tags imply a war vet. This guy is actually scary and it's not because he speaks through one of those robot electro-larynx doohickies. It's because when the soap dispenser fails in a public restroom, he rips it off the wall, plus he's also mean to waitresses. The two-steps forward one-step back pacing is either suspenseful or frustrating depending on your tastes. The dated ending which has her unaware husband making light of Sal's usual helplessness is hysterical. She stops just short of winking at the audience.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Quinn Cummings alert!
  • Val's "second honeymoon" attire
  • Scary bad guy's rabbit howls
  • The Hamptons boozer that Val inadvertently kills
  • Privileged Val thinks she can buy anyone with a twenty

Special thanks to Richard at Doomed Moviethon!

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Posted on By aunt john

Puppy-eyed Dodger (MACKENZIE ASTIN) alternates his time between receiving beat downs from two-bit thug Juice, harboring an unrequited crush on Juice's fashion designer girlfriend Tangerine, and working as an after-school sales associate at Cap'n Manzini's antique shop. Amidst the collection of dust-covered crap cluttering the store, stands a strikingly out-of-place garbage can that Cap'n Manzini (ANTHONY NEWLEY) strongly cautions his young employee to never open. Naturally the lid is knocked loose, after Juice and his cronies stop by the shop to physically assault Dodger, and the titular stars of the film emerge from their garbage can captivity. Despite their grotesque appearance, and inability to control any and all of their bodily functions, the GARBAGE PAIL KIDS have really big hearts. To help Dodger win the heart of Tangerine, the Kids knock off a non-union sweatshop and design a full line of '80s couture for her to use in her debut fashion show at McBundy's Department Store. Rather than thanking the Kids, and blocking off front row seats for them at the fashion show, Tangerine reveals her ugly nature by selling them out to Juice, who then turns them over to the State Home for the Ugly. Dodger and Cap'n Manzini, along with the help of a biker gang, spring the Kids from looks-based lock-up, and set out to school Tangerine and Juice on the value of inner beauty and the undeniable power of well-timed flatulence.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • ALI GATOR and WINDY WINSTON befriending the occupants of the "World's Toughest Bar"
  • The Kids running amok in the movie theater, in their adorable little trench coats & berets
  • Tangerine's backstage diva antics at the big fashion show
  • VALERIE VOMIT giving Juice's goons the what-for
  • The closing theme song, "You Could Be a Garbage Pail Kid"

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Kinderpal Ricky on Friday the 13th

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The most scared I can remember being after watching a horror movie was when I watched FRIDAY THE 13th with my little brother at my cousin's house. The whole movie was mortifying but the scene that really got me is when KEVIN BACON gets killed. There he was just chillin' in bed, reflecting after sex when a spear comes up through his neck from under the bed! I not only had trouble sleeping afterward, but trouble even lying down in bed. Me and my brother shared bunk-beds at the time and I remember having to check under the bed before I could get under the covers. I'm not really the biggest FRIDAY THE 13th fan today, but this does explain the soft spot I continue to have for fellow Philadelphian KEVIN BACON!