kindertrauma

Dead and Buried

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How's this for an opening? A photographer walks a deserted beach taking National Geographic like shots of seagulls and the like. He comes across a beautiful girl who resembles a 1950's pin-up. She offers to pose for him and the photos he takes become more and more erotic. She suddenly exposes her breasts and propositions him. His excitement is short lived as he's surrounded by variously garbed townspeople who then begin taking pictures of him. He is then savagely beaten, wrapped to a post with fish netting, and doused with gasoline, all while the object of his lust smiles approvingly. "Welcome to Potter's Bluff," one of them says as another lights a match and sets him afire. The townspeople then circle around him and watch as he burns. If this mortifying display was not enough, the victim later appears as a happy member of the malicious mob. (more…)

The Other

Posted on By aunt john

Those Perry twins sure are a handful. When young Niles and Holland (CHRIS & MARTIN UDVARNOKY) aren't getting into trouble by stealing preserves from Mrs. Rowe, they busy themselves by tormenting fluffy kitties and sneaking into tents at the local carnival. Boys will boys, as their grandmother Ada (UTA HAGEN) is well aware, and she takes a special shine to the congenial twin Niles. Ada teaches young Niles the art of astral projection, or as her people in the old country called it, "The Game." Meanwhile, folks in and around the Perry family start meeting with the most untimely demises. Cousin Ralph impales himself while playing in the barn, and Mrs. Rowe incurs a fatal heart attack after sitting through a rather unimpressive magic act. The twins' mother also careens down the stairs headfirst and is rendered mute and paraplegic. And there is the matter of the newborn that goes missing ala the Lindbergh baby. Grandma Ada knows it wasn't the red-herring handyman, and she knows it could have been only one of the twins. But which one is it…nice Niles or horrible Holland?

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The "King of the World" landing on the pitchfork
  • Holland's failed attempt at baptizing a cat in the family wishing well
  • "Holland, where is the baby?"
  • The discovery of the baby

An Open Letter to Mrs. Kobritz by Stevie Wayne

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I'm sure I hardly need to introduce myself; I'm sorta a big deal. Unless you live under a rock or don't own a radio, you know who I am. If you have somehow not heard my awesome radio show (KAB rocks!) you've certainly seen me riding around Antonio Bay in my wicked convertible! Well, I'm not here to promote myself, but rather to expose a certain oldster who's gotten a free pass in this town as of late. I'm talking of Mrs. Kobritz and her dubious abilities as a babysitter. I've ignored missing under garments, the dilution of my liquor with tap water, and habitual tardiness, but it's high time Mrs. Kobritz be held accountable for her routinely irresponsible behavior. First of all, I realize that the other night there was an out of the ordinary occurrence that had many of our locals running about pell-mell begging for God to intervene. (I'm referring to the zombie-infested fog bank that engulfed the town.) But many of us were still able to do our jobs and even help others when the opportunity arose. I know I did everything I conceivably could to warn all my listeners of the impending danger (off the clock!). And let's face reality folks, the crew of the Elizabeth Dane were only going to kill six of us; it's not like the whole town was going down! (more…)

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Johnny on INFERNO

Posted on By aunt john

As a kid, (and as an adult), I lived for horror films, and would always beg my parents to let me watch the late night horror show on Friday nights. In Uruguay, where I grew up, these were usually advertised with the equivalent of a G rating, so I usually was able to watch even the most gruesome selections.

Out of all of these movies, there was one that truly frightened me, and haunted me for the next fifteen years, when I was finally able to identify the movie, watch it, and be haunted all over. The movie was INFERNO by DARIO ARGENTO. (more…)

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Mike on the Gump

Posted on By aunt john

Whenever I bring up this film (RETURN TO OZ) scaring the crap out of me, anyone who's seen it chimes in, "That lady with the heads got you, huh?"  No, strangely enough I had no problem with Princess Mombi's closet of live heads.  Seeing Oz decimated didn't bug me either.  Nor FAIRUZA BALK as Dorothy getting electroshock therapy, nor the fucked up clay animation at the end.  What kept creeping back was that moose-looking Gump head couch thing. (more…)

Stephen King's IT

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The miniseries IT hits some pretty astounding highs and some equally astounding lows but, sown throughout is a performance that is destined for infamy. TIM CURRY's Pennywise the clown is nothing short of one of the most terrifying figures in horror. Like oh so many of the films that are mentioned on these pages, IT's origins began in the mind of STEPHEN KING. Director TOMMY LEE WALLACE (HALLOWEEN 3, FRIGHT NIGHT 2) certainly had a gargantuan task on his hands. Many of the Lovecraft-ian multidimensional ideas of the 1,000 plus page epic novel were simply unfilmable, and attempts to scale them down are understandably less than successful. This is why the well earned climax usually leaves the viewer a bit undernourished and dissatisfied. Rather than watch our seven heroes, the STAND BY ME-ish "losers" battle the nemesis we've grown to fear and love, they share fisticuffs with a spider-like reject from CLASH OF THE TITANS. What they are seeing in fact, is the being in the closest form that their collective minds are capable of producing. (A kid who does see IT's true form is instantly turned into a white haired JIM JARMUSCH clone). Unfortunately for the viewer it's not a fraction as frightening as the mocking, child-killing monster that skipped around the rest of the movie with an arsenal of blood filled balloons, stale jokes and an elaborate display of phantasmagorical fortune cookies. That said, audiences mostly share the same selective memory as the inhabitants of King's fictional town of Derry. Few can recall the giant spider, they're still quivering over the clown.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

Any scene with Pennywise is scary take your pick:

  • In the sewer
  • In the clotheslines
  • In the shower
  • In the sink
  • In the road
  • In the library
  • In the moon? Yes, he even shows up in the moon. What is up with this guy?

The Watcher in the Woods

Posted on By aunt john

Perhaps it's best to start with the back-story on this chestnut. Some thirty or so years ago, three friends drag their friend Karen Aylwood into a chapel for an initiation into their cool kids secret society. Unbeknownst to them, one of those infrequent solar eclipses just happens to be going down, a lightening bolt hits the cathedral, and Karen disappears. Vanished… gone… see you never. Flash forward some thirty even odder years later, and the white bread Curtis family finds themselves in the market for an expansive English country rental. Karen's creepy mom (BETTE DAVIS) just happens to have such a manor, and during the awkward landlord/renter interview, she takes a shine to the eldest Curtis daughter Jan (LYNN-HOLLY JOHNSON of ICE CASTLES fame). Shortly after the Curtis clan moves in, Jan starts observing glowing lights in the woods, and the repeated pattern of triangles in the broken glass of bedroom window and one of her mom's tacky mirrors. Jan also starts seeing images of a blindfolded girl begging for her help (cough…KAREN), and declares that something is watching them from the woods, but this sort of falls on deaf ears. To make matters worse, little sister Elle (PARIS HILTON's other aunt KYLE RICHARDS), in a state of supernatural dyslexia, names her new puppy NERAK, and begins channeling the voice of the unseen watcher in the woods. Coincidentally, a solar eclipse just happens to be happening, and the action culminates when Jan convinces the three teens, now washed-up adults with trepidations, to return with her to the chapel where Karen went missing all those years ago.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Any with BETTE DAVIS; she is spot-on as a bereaved mother
  • Jan takes a tumble in the lake
  • Elle scrawl her new puppy's name on the basement window
  • The final reunion in the chapel

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Pam on Malachi

Posted on By aunt john

Definitely CHILDREN OF THE CORN! I remember watching that movie probably around the age of 10 or 11. My family played on my fears and thought it was funny to terrorize me. I would go upstairs to use the restroom; they would yell "Malachi!!" Which would cause me to jump down to our stairwell landing (not sure I touched a single step) resulting in a family member of my choosing to escort me to the bathroom and stand outside while I relieved myself in peace. I am now 30 and still have fears of what is lurking in the middle of all those corn fields.

Did I mention I live in Iowa?

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Posted on By unkle lancifer

rob zombie halloween kids who kill woods
No, It's not a masterpiece like the original. Gone is the pitch perfect ominous supernatural dread. Gone is the focus on the stalwart Laurie Strode. In it's place is debatably the most interesting portrayal of a child killer in years. Before scoffing imagine Zombie's haunted hay ride without it's impossible to live up to title, HALLOWEEN, you will see the tale of a harassed child who snaps completely and a mother who desperately clings to the hope that her son is not lost forever to mental illness. Zombie's white trash environment was widely criticized for being a cheap tack on catalyst for lil' Mikey's madness. I don't read it that way. His siblings share a similar upbringing without a hint of the same affliction. In fact, young Michael has no memory of his actions and explicitly wants to return home and be with the family he still imagines alive. No, the roots of his behavior do not involve druid style mumbo jumbo, but he is taken over by a nameless something that still fits snugly inside the definition of EVIL. DAEG FAERCH's heartbreaking portrayal is original in the annals of horror, with his soft features and sensitive disposition towards his mother ("I like your hair curly. It's pretty.") He is the antithesis of the robotic, cut in stone child demons that are usually displayed in movies like THE OMEN or THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. When Michael reaches adulthood the second half of the film concerns the events we are more familiar with, but the shells in this game are switched around enough that you never really know what's going to happen. Laurie bringing Lindsey BACK home to the Wallace's to check on Annie? Brilliant. Credit should also be given for the more brutal and realistic violence. Usually In slasher movies victims go down quickly and easily. A simple machete to the face and they'll even pose for you so can place them in a make shift shrine. These victims convulse, shake, squirm and crawl away just like real ones and the result is visceral and disturbing. In my book, Zombie's meta take easily achieves the gonzo schlocky pandemonium of a real honest to goodness horror film, the kind of which there are far too few. I agree the ham fisted editing does weaken the theatrical version, but the director's work-print closes with a much more touching and enduring finale involving a voice over from Mike and Dr.Loomis's first session together. As the audio rolls we hear Faerch's pip-squeak voice intone "Hi, I'm Micheal Myers…" Was his performance enough to convince me of that fact? To quote from the original film: "As a matter of fact…it was."

  • "Love hurts" Zombie may never live it down but it's a counterintuitive choice that genuinely lingers
  • Bully gets his comeuppance in the woods. If you say you didn't enjoy this scene as much as I did you are a liar
  • Tiny Mike in giant mask
  • Lil' Mike takes care of the nurse followed by an ear maddening siren blare
  • Many people THINK about blowing their brains out when watching home movies. Mommy Moon doesn't just think about it, she DOES it!

Halloween Costume Quiz

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's some groovy costume ideas. While you're perusing them, try to figure out which respective movies they appeared in! Warning: If you get all of them right it means you are insane! Answers can be found in the comments section. Good Luck, chuckleheads! (more…)