kindertrauma

The Black Hole

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

black hole hell maximillion
Like much of Disney's output during the late seventies/early eighties there is an undercurrent in this film that's a tad bit unsettling. It's not a proper horror film for sure, but in some ways it follows the classic trope closer than most "proper" horror films do. What's that you say? Unkle lancifer has lost his marbles? Before you grab your torches hear me out. We start off with a group of desperate travelers looking for shelter. This is how every old dark house thriller begins including OLD DARK HOUSE. They then find what appears to be an abandoned ghost ship to take refuge in. Resembling a gothic cathedral, the spacecraft Cygnus could be viewed as a sort of haunted castle. Inside they meet a mad scientist MAXMILLIAN SCHELL and his formidable creation Maximillion, a bulky metal Golem that one of the characters compares to Frankenstein's monster (He actually looks like a giant floating swiss army knife.) Suspicious of their host, the travelers try to settle in as they learn clue after clue about their benefactor's true nature. After horror icon ANTHONY PERKINS is killed by the dreaded Maximillion (he's shredded by one of his blades) the jig is indeed up. It is also revealed that the entire crew of the ship including one of the traveler's fathers, has fallen prey to Reinhart's experiments and are now zombie slaves. The rest of the movie of course concerns the escape and destruction of the "castle". True, there are cute robots and lots of laser gun firing but this is all just sci-fi window dressing. THE BLACK HOLE even offers a glimpse into a place few horror films dare go…hell itself. The film's final astonishing set pieces involve rivers of flowing lava, fiery explosions and the marching of hooded figures through a cavernous landscape that would give HEIRONYMUS BOSCH pause. You gotta feel sorry for all the lil' tykes out there who were just looking to tame their STAR WARS jones. Sure there ARE long stretches that are goofy and outdated and the cast seems ripped from one of the era's lesser disaster flicks but THE BLACK HOLE is much, much darker than you'd think.

     INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • The introduction of Maximillion
    • Perkins trying to protect himself with a book and failing miserably
    • Reinhardt and Maximillion merging atop a cliff and making a scarab-like silhouette

     

    hellscape hell robots
     

    Children of the Corn

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    malachai children of the corn killer kids
     Few child killer movies have cemented themselves as securely in the public's consciousness as THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN. It's become a veritable punchline and the go-to title when describing any group with blind, cult-like followers. The fact that the movie is not nearly as strong as it's reputation hardly matters anymore. A twenty-something PETER HORTON and a pre-TERMINATOR LINDA HAMILTON play a couple who find themselves in the eerie town of Gatlin, Nebraska where the child population has slaughtered the adult population and worships an unseen being called HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS. A LOGAN'S RUN type clause in the youngin's new found religion also states that when they turn 19, the children themselves are to be sacrificed to their god in order to prevent future adults. It's a frightening concept, imagine a world where happy meals were the only thing on the menu at McDonalds! There's a lot of missed opportunities visually and the acting, with the definite exception of JOHN FRANKLIN as Isaac and COURTNEY GAINS as Malachi, is patchy at best. In fact you could just credit FRANKLIN's work here as solely responsible for this flicks longevity. He could give little MARJOE GORTNER a run for his money. As shoddy as some of this is, (the special effects near the end are pitiable) CORN is still worthy of a rewatch from time to time. It is based on a STEPHEN KING short story and we all know Uncle Stevie is no slouch in the knowing what scares you department. Regardless of the questionable execution, I think we can all admit that the premise is pretty much fool proof as far as entertainment goes. Just put a sickle in the palm of a child and turn on the camera and I assure you… I've already bought my ticket!

      INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

      • Opening coffee shop massacre
      • Hamilton comes face to face with "the blue man"
      • Horton gets bitch slapped by a stalk of corn
      • "OUTLANDER!"

       

      Isaac malachai killer kids corn
       

      Lady in White

      Posted on By unkle lancifer

       

      lady in white kid ghosts
       Are you itching to get into the Halloween spirit but don't have the time or the energy to murder a transient in your basement? Simply watch LADY IN WHITE, it will take you there and right quick! Inevitable Traumatot LUKAS HAAS stars as a weird but lovable horror nerd circa 1962. Due to a fiendish prank performed upon him by two admittedly hilarious bullies, he has to spend the night in the school's coat closet. There he not only witnesses a ghostly apparition, but also finds himself somewhat of a witness to the little ghost girl's murder. He too is attacked by the faceless perpetrator, and after some really cool psychedelic KEN RUSSEL type dreams, he wakes to find the killer is still at large and that he's bound to be his next target. The town folks, having bared witness to 10 tragic child murders over the years, decide the black janitor is the perfect scapegoat. Part ghost story, part murder mystery, part nostalgic time capsule, this movie plays like SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY KILLS A MOCKINGBIRD. It's also further proof that director FRANK LaLOGGIA (FEAR NO EVIL) is an unusually talented director with far too few films on his resume. The film is so well realized and so visually captivating it's a wonder he never became a household name. Masquerading as a Spielberg type kid-friendly adventure, viewers will likely be taken aback by what sharp little teeth this spook show has. With Gothic seaside cliffs, dilapidated haunted houses, and fog-drenched forests worthy of a HAMMER film, LADY IN WHITE just bleeds atmosphere. Throw in a trio of criminally underrated character actors, KATHERINE HELMOND, ALEX ROCO and LEN CARIOU and you have a film that miraculously juggles dozens of storylines and themes, but is always focused on earning it's genuine scares.

        INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

        • The coat closet
        • Lady in White's first appearance at the window
        • Lady in white coming down the stairs in back of Haas
        • The killer revealed in the station wagon
        • "Have you ever seen a dream walking? Well I did…"

         

        lady in white halloween candy
         

        Race With the Devil

        Posted on By unkle lancifer

        race with the devil devil tree fondaThis seventies action/horror hybrid was a late night television mainstay in the eighties. Any kid happening upon it while switching channels was instantly glued to the sofa right up until the nightmare-inducing finale. PETER FONDA, WARREN OATES, LORETTA SWITT and LARA PARKER play two couples looking for a little R&R in a righteous R.V. Instead they stumble across a depraved satanic ritual in full swing. At first the inebriated pals think they've lucked out and discovered a hippie orgy — that is until the masked leader of the coven brandishes a blade and guts a naked nubile necromancer like she was a carp. Loud mouth Loretta exposes the camper full of witnesses and there starts a harrowing cross-country road rally that would humble MAD MAX. Economic, inventive, and filled with some the best car chases you're likely to see, RACE also invokes one of the best paranoia moods this side of ROSEMARY'S BABY. Almost everyone the couples come into contact with as they try to flee the cult, from trailer park oldsters to toothless hillbilly car mechanics, seems to be a possible buddy of Beelzebub. Even if you tried to resist this old school thrill ride, the soundtrack itself will grab you by the collar and pull you along with it. Complete with a hopeless ending that modern test screening audiences would jettison in a heart beat, this wrong place, wrong time movie gets everything right.

          INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

          • Witnessing the sacrifice "That's not rough, that's choice!"
          • The fate of Ginger the dog
          • Kitchen o'rattlesnakes
          • Kick-ass Fonda in Sonny Bono garb, taking care of business atop the R.V.

          Dark Night of the Scarecrow

          Posted on By aunt john

           

          dark night scarecrow field
          Developmentally disabled Bubba Ritter spends his afternoons singing songs about colors and constructing floral garlands with his best gal pal Marylee Williams. The innocent friendship between the 36-year-old man-child and his preteen playmate is especially bothersome to postal carrier and closet drunk Otis P. Hazelrigg. When the young Williams girl is mauled by a dog, Hazelrigg mistakenly blames Bubba for her injuries and promptly packs a posse of slack-jawed vigilantes into a pick-up truck so they can swoop down on the Ritter farmhouse with blazing shotguns and baying bloodhounds. Prior to their arrival, Bubba's mother had the foresight to hide her special son in the scarecrow. Her plan backfires when the hounds pick up Bubba's scent, and the Hee-Haw hoodlums pump him with rounds of lead. Hazelrigg inserts a pitchfork into Bubba's hand, and invokes a self-defense scenario that actually works when the four killers have their day in court. Dismayed by the judge's ruling, a heartbroken Mrs. Ritter shrieks the prophetic, "There's other justice in the world beside the law!"  By other justice, Mrs. Ritter is referring to the scarecrow, presumably powered by her dead son, which methodically torments and disposes of Bubba's killers in the most delightful fashions. One man falls into a wood chipper; another suffocates as a silo fills with grain. Hazelrigg helps out in the kill department by inducing a heart attack in Mrs. Ritter and offing the third member of his posse. When Hazelrigg makes a play for the Williams girl in the pumpkin patch of good and evil, the scarecrow shows up and gives him what he's had coming throughout the whole TV movie — the pointed-end of a pitchfork.

            INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

            • When it comes to playing heavy-set heavies, CHARLES DURNING is the king dick. His portrayal of postman Hazelrigg is so convincingly creepy, I jump each time I see him press his pudgy nose to the window with the paper skull decoration at the church dance
            • Death by wood chipper, followed by a shot of a dollop of jelly plopping on Hazelrigg's plate
            • The close-up of Bubba's eyes behind the scarecrow mask when he is found hiding

             

              

            Official Traumatot: Corey Feldman

            Posted on By unkle lancifer

             

            Corey Feldman Goonies Stand by me killed Jason

              He stared in all the best eighties kid flicks, GREMLINS, GOONIES, STAND BY ME but more importantly, he killed Jason! I'm not talking about zombie Jason, ambulance driving non-Jason, uber space station Jason or body jumping demon Jason. He killed the REAL Jason! And he didn't chain him to the bottom of the lake for somebody else to deal with at a future date, brother shaved his head and whacked the malicious mongoloid in the melon with a machete screaming, "Die!, Die!, Die!" For that reason and many more Corey Feldman is forever a true blue TRAUMATOT. Show some respect! 

              Kinder-News :: Major Halloween Mask Recall!

              Posted on By unkle lancifer

              Are Silver Shamrock brand masks hazardous to your health? I don't know — Do you think crickets, rattlesnakes and other assorted vermin pouring out of every orifice in your head is hazardous to your health? Dear readers I implore you, if you or any one you know has purchased a mask from Silver Shamrock Industries, dispose of them immediately, no matter what the cost. The three masks in question are easily identifiable by their three distinct styles, which include: skull face, green witch, and orange pumpkin. They all bear the telltale Silver Shamrock logo, which is a large disc embedded on the back of the mask. On October 31 there will be a televised event on ALL three of the available channels on your television set. The program will conclude with a big giveaway. Do not, under any circumstances, watch this show wearing one of these God forsaken masks! Inside ALL of the masks tags is a small chipping from Stonehenge that, when activated with a flashing pumpkin signal, will turn your living room into hell on Earth. Many have asked if they can simply remove the logo and watch the show as intended. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REMOVE THE TAG, not even with a hairpin, unless you want a laser to blast you in the face, and a gargantuan bug to crawl out of the cavity that remains.

              Some of you may be thinking, "I hate my kid, what do I care?"

              Well, you will care when a snake crawls out of your kid's head and bites you! Conal Cochran, the CEO of this nefarious company and designer of these "novelties," has been planning just such a sacrifice for years, going so far as to create clockwork servants that resemble you or I. He considers this holocaust "a joke," and claims the best Halloween took place three thousand years ago, "When the hills ran red with the blood of children and animals." Is this the type of company you want to support? I know the jingle on the commercial is catchy and it's easy to get swept up in the spirit of the season but, for the sake of yourself and for future generations, throw out those masks! For more information on Cochran and his atrocities watch HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH.

              Bad Ronald

              Posted on By unkle lancifer

              SCOTT JACOBY, who is also excellent in THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE, plays Ronald Wilby an introverted outsider and part-time momma's boy. Ronald isn't so "bad," really he's just the victim of circumstance. When a nasty albino dwarf talks smack about his mom, he grabs her by the face and pushes her backwards. (Hey, it worked for CARY GRANT.) Unfortunately the brat's noggin' hits a poorly placed cinder block and B.R has no choice but to dispose of the evidence via a shallow grave. When he gets home, you learn why he took such umbrage to the uggo's taunts. His mother is none other than KIM HUNTER the sexy monkey from THE PLANET OF THE APES! I know she's meant to be all Norma Bates overbearing but, to me, she seems like the perfect mom. When told of her son's murderous mistake, she devises a plan to turn the downstairs bathroom into a luxury artist studio he can hide out in. The door is covered with wallpaper and there's a cubby door in the pantry where she can deliver him candy bars and Carnation Instant Milk. At this point I'm realizing that by simply snuffing a simp, B.R has acquired the lifestyle I have always dreamt of. He no longer has to leave his domicile and he can spend all day working full time on his, "Extraordinary vision of fantasy," a make-believe world called Atranta. As God would have it, all good things must come to an end and Ronnie's dream set-up is demolished when his mom dies from a routine operation. Now Ronald must fend for himself while nosy neighbor Mrs. Schumacher sniffs about and a new family headed by DABNEY COLEMAN moves in. Bored out of his skull, Ronald projects his Atranta fantasies upon the youngest sibling the whiney Babs, who he thinks is the embodiment of his creation Princess Fansetta. As dopey as this all sounds, it's perfectly enthralling as the family has no idea the local legendary killer is Anne Frank-ing it in the second bathroom they tragically never knew existed. Things come to a head as our Ronald becomes more brazen and it finally culminates in a startling climax when the Jan Brady-esque middle sister finds an eye staring back at her through a hole in the wall. Creepy, voyeuristic, and endlessly entertaining BAD RONALD is a must see for television movie enthusiasts and shut-ins everywhere.

              INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

              • Brat meets cinder block
              • Mrs. Shcumacher's revelation and subsequent dive
              • Peephole discovered and Ronald crashing through the wall crying, "Mother!"

              Burnt Offerings

              Posted on By aunt john


              Take three of Hollywood's biggest hams (the always inebriated-seeming OLIVER REED, the voluptuously cock-eyed KAREN BLACK, and a post-BABY JANE/pre-stroke BETTE DAVIS), dangle before them an irresistibly low three-month rent package for a gothic mansion with the caveat that someone drops off a tray of food to an elderly mother concealed in an attic three times a day, shoot the proceedings with a gauzy porn filter, and there you have the gist of BURNT OFFERINGS. Shortly after agreeing to take the estate at 17 Shore Road from the underutilized sibling wonders of BURGESS MEREDITH and EILEEN HECKART, Marian (BLACK) and Ben (REED) Rolf start acting all kinds of cuckoo. Ben tries to drown their son in the pool while roughhousing, much to the dismay of artsy Aunt Elizabeth (DAVIS), whose still-life style is not unlike that of Thomas Kincade, Painter of Light. Meanwhile, Marian takes to wearing chokers and dressing old-timey in between obsessively cleaning the house and dropping off plates of pork chops to the unseen matron of the manor. The insanity, and overacting, escalates to the point where Aunt Elizabeth decides to stub out her last smoke and call it a shoot. Despite the death in the house, Marian wants to stay. In her defense, she did get a sweet deal. $900 for the whole summer… it would take at least three deaths to get your aunt john to skip out on something like that. As the Rolf family continues to deteriorate, the house itself is invigorated by an extreme makeover (supernatural edition). The siding replaces itself and the contents of the greenhouse flourish. Ben grabs his son and tries to escape in the wood-paneled station wagon, but the shrubs have other plans. For this family the realization that they'e not keeping the house, the house is keeping them, comes fatally too late.

              INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

              • The demise of Aunt Elizabeth
              • Death by chimney
              • Any scene involving the pox-marked Chauffeur & his shit-eating grin