kindertrauma

The Bad Seed

Posted on By aunt john


Preteen television and Broadway vet Patty McCormack garnered Oscar and Golden Globe nods for her portrayal of pint-sized psychopath Rhoda Penmark in Mervyn LeRoy's 1956 flick The Bad Seed. With her father off serving his country in a tight uniform and her melodramatic mother questioning her foundling lineage, towheaded Rhoda passes the time by working on puzzles, promising suggestively to exchange "baskets of kisses for baskets of hugs," beating classmate Ralph Daigle almost to death with her tap shoes, and then drowning him when he fails to fork over a penmanship award that was clearly meant for her. What Rhoda wants, Rhoda gets! The Daigle drowning is actually Rhoda's second kill, and before the movie ends, she disposes of her building's meddling handyman. Think Schneider from One Day at a Time, sans pencil mustache and even perveier. Mother Penmark finally puts two and seven together, and realizes that not only was she adopted, she is also the daughter of some long-dead lady serial killer which, in turn, makes Rhoda the grandchild of the of the same long-dead lady serial killer. Crazy apples don't fall far from the crazy killer tree, and Mother Penmark does what any mother in a similar situation would do after realizing she birthed a monster; she feeds Rhoda an overdose of sleeping pills, and shoots herself in the face. Sadly, murder/suicides are always foiled in movies, and the corpulent landlady who lives upstairs rescues Rhoda. Daddy comes back from war, or whatever gay bar he was frequenting in that tight uniform, and Rhoda sets out in a lightening storm across the Warner Brother's back lot to reclaim that penmanship medal she beat and killed that stupid Daigle kid for. Quite frankly, she earned it in my book; however Mother Nature intervenes and delivers the swift justice Rhoda's mother couldn't muster.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Eileen Heckart's slurred scenes as grieving mother Hortense Daigle
  • The two-tiered Penmark family bar cart. If Unkle Lancifer & I ever get married, I am sticking seven of those things on my registry. I want one for every room, even the bathroom
  • Rhoda's "G-I-V-E-M-E-M-Y-S-H-O-E-S" confrontation under the arbor with handyman/perv Leroy Jessup
  • "They don't put little girls in the electric chair!"

Paris Hilton's Aunt is Dead!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


She escaped Witch Mountain; she even had the moxie to return to Witch Mountain. She has fought Devil Dogs and withstood Tuff Turf. She even survived living with Maclean Stevenson in Portland for pete's sake! (Portland is a long way from L.A. by the way). So I had every reason to believe precocious moppet Kim Richards would survive ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 fully intact and ready to rumble. Boy, was I wrong, DEAD wrong! There Kim was just minding her own business when she saw an ice cream truck down the way, blaring its intoxicating music as if to say, "Come hither". As any normal child might do, the braided lass shook her father down for some green and headed on her way, nothing more on her mind then copping a cone. She is then met by what can only be described as some of the worst costumer service ever recorded on film. The sweaty bundle of nerves behind the steering wheel at first declines the opportunity to fulfill the lowly dreams of our heroine by insisting it's "too late". Undeterred, Kim counters that his music is still playing and therefore it is actually not "too late". The horrible, underpaid schlub finally does his menial job and hands over the cold confection, and Kim skips off satiated. This is where the shit hits the fan ‘cause as she goes off on her merry way, a car full of hooligans that resemble David Bowie and Che Guevara hijack the ice cream truck. But who cares ‘cuz Kim got her cone and is off on another adventure, right? Wrong! A last minute inspection of her purchase reveals that dead moron ice cream goon gave her PLAIN vanilla when she succinctly asked for vanilla RIPPLE! Kim rightfully returns to the truck to demand satisfaction but her request is denied in the form of a bullet being shot into her chest! I know what you're thinking, you sign up for a John Carpenter movie, you roll the dice, but it all seems a tad unfair when you consider that kid sis Kyle Richards gets to survive an attack by none other than Michael Myers two years later in Carpenter's HALLOWEEN!

Snowbeast

Posted on By aunt john

Lack of coordination and mild case of childhood obesity aside, the real reason I never strapped skis to my feet and realized my childhood fantasy of being the toast of the late 1970s lodge scene was due, in part, to the made for TV movie Snowbeast. In a nutshell, some sort of unseen monster has been viciously attacking and terrorizing the winter sport enthusiasts at the seemingly under populated Rill Lodge and Ski Resort. I use unseen in the literal sense; perhaps due to a tight budget disguised as a suspense device, our monster is camera shy, and viewers are treated to some heavy breathing and shaky camera work from the perspective of said snowbeast each time he is about to pounce on a victim. Disregarding the mounting body count, the elderly owner of the resort plows ahead with the 50th Annual Winter Carnival. Clearly not one to miss out on a shindig, the Snowbeast makes his first on camera appearance, much to the audible horror of the soon-to-be-crowned Winter Carnival Queen. The Snowbeast responds by smashing out a window, inciting a riot amongst the carnival crowd, and murdering the Carnival Queen's mother in the parking lot. This was the scene that scared me off the slopes some 30 years ago, and this was the scene where I stopped paying attention to the drawn out love story involving the over-the-hill Olympic skier and his annoying wife.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The appearance of the Snowbeast at the window
  • The murder of the Carnival Queen's mother in the parking lot. I want that sticker off her door
  • Any scene with Sylvia Sidney as Carrie Rill, the Annual Winter Carnival obsessed resort owner. During the carnival melee, Ms. Sidney does her own stunt work and takes a tumble to the gymnasium floor, all the while shrieking about the crown that was meant for the runaway queen. The crown is crushed by one of the oddest pair of snow boots documented on celluloid

Official Traumatot: Fairuza Balk

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Our first TRAUMATOT award goes to Lil' Balky for her stellar work in RETURN TO OZ, and her ongoing genre contributions like THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU and, especially, THE CRAFT, in which she rocks it even harder. Hooray for you Fairuza for being the first ever TRAUMATOT award recipient!

The Burning

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This summer camp slasher opus has one ingredient most neglect… little campers! And guess what? Old roasted face Cropsy, the resident maniac, ain't checking IDs. He doesn't care how old you are! He's got a pair a gardening shears and he's going to use them regardless of your age, virgin status or level of responsibility for his hideous disfigurement! What's that you say? You have no desire to see kids terrorized in such a fashion? What if I told you the kids were Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter and the highly disposable Fisher Stephens? I thought so. THE BURNING may seem like a garden variety slasher film but it's always zigging where the others zag and it's got a crazy score by YES man Rick Wakeman. If that's not enticing enough, you've got Tom Savini gore meister extraordinaire providing the flying body parts! On the downside there are Weinsteins in the
production credits so be prepared for tacked on endings, William Burroughs inspired editing, continuity chasms, and a general disdain for the directors original vision.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • the raft scene
  • the raft scene
  • and the raft scene!

SEE ALSO: Final Girl Film Club

Poltergeist

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Don't let the name STEVEN SPIELBERG or the PG rating fool you, this film has caused countless sleepless nights and it's done so for decades. What's so scary about POLTERGEIST? Well first of all, it takes place somewhere many kids can easily identify with, suburbia. Any child who has recently gained mastery over their fears of cobweb strewn mansions or gothic castles are instantly sent back to square one. Secondly, unlike many of its R rated contemporaries, POLTERGESIT is not afraid to deal with the very real specter of death. From flushing pet canaries down the toilet, to coffins emptying their contents into the swimming pool, actual mortality is present here. An after life is also suggested, but it's cold comfort considering the place is not only overcrowded, but apparently covered in a substance not unlike cherry Jell-o. The tagline warning "It knows what scares you!" might as well have been made directly to the juvenile set, because the lion's share of POLTERGEIST's most indelible scares are based on common childhood fears. For example: See that comforting tree outside your bedroom window, the one that's basically a marker that you're home and safe? Yeah, well, it's actually going to try to swallow you whole…and that clown doll that you used to insist sleep in the same bed as you? He's kinda got arms that can grow to any size that he wants to wrap around your neck. You don't mind if he pulls you under the bed do you? Actually few are safe from the anxiety factory that is Poltergeist, from Dad's bad financial investment to Mom's fear of literally loosing her child to the television set. Nobody here gets off Scott free, but unlike the parental figures in POLTERGEIST, most kids don't have the luxury of a little toke of ganja to help them get to sleep at night.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Everybody's least favorite toy, the clown doll looking to "hug it out"
  • "One, one thousand, two, one thousand" …the kite eating tree's revenge!
  • The guy ripping his face off in the mirror…a Proactive commercial gone horribly wrong

Don't Go To Sleep

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Aaron Spelling produced this fondly remembered 1982 supernatural outing that stared Dennis Weaver, Valerie Harper and the legendary Ruth Gordon. A family moves into a new house in an effort to start anew after the tragic death of their eldest daughter. Soon middle child Mary is in full contact with her dead sister and willing to do her bidding which includes the systematic annihilation of her entire family. Is Mary insane? Schizophrenic? Possessed? Or is the ghost of her sister the real deal? Highly engrossing, admittedly campy, indisputably creepy, and nearly impossible to shake.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Gordon's death by lizard
  • the "artsy" smashing watermelon cut
  • The ominous pizza cutter rolling up the bannister
  • Mary tying Jen's shoes together in the car
  • Any scene of Mary in a straitjacket
  • Big sister Jennifer's horrifically uncanny Cheshire cat grin in the film's finale

Salem's Lot

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This seminal 1979 Stephen King adaption may start off like a Peyton Place inspired nightime soaper but by the end of its nearly four hour run viewers were witness to some of the most terrifying scenes on network television. Tobe Hooper's less then faithfull adaption takes it time, but its pacing only adds to the palpable atmosphere of dread. Lingering shots and long moments of silence are seldom taken advantage of in contemporary horror films. Here they are utilized to create unbearable moments of suspense, and perhaps one of the last truly great gothic vampire films.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The young vampire floating outside the window surrounded by backwards moving mist, scratching at the glass
  • A glowing-eyed Geoffrey Lewis getting up from his rocking chair to demand "loook at meeee teacher!…"
  • Nosferatu inspired master vampire Barlow appearing in Lance Kerwin's kitchen to knock his parents skulls together

The Shining

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Stephen King was not particularly pleased with Stanley Kubrick's take on his material, but there's no question decades later that THE SHINING is an unmitigated horror classic. King's novel is more concerned with father Jack's drunken guilt ridden slow-dive into madness, while Kubrick focuses on psychic son Danny's chronic anxiety about his ineffectual mom and time bomb pop. Part of what makes the film so potent, and universally scary, is that it reminds all of us, adults and children alike, what it's like to be scared of our parents. The idea that Daddy is mad at Mommy and may hurt her has crossed many children's minds, and the idea that Daddy is mad at ME and will hurt ME has crossed even more. The stakes are just that much higher at the Overlook Hotel because the last Daddy who worked there and got mad used an axe to get his point across. Some complain (King included) that Jack Nicholson's performance is over the top, and that he appears insane before he even reaches the hotel, but remember he IS insane in the eyes of Danny who has already been on the receiving end of his drunken rage. Of course King touched upon these fears as well, but it's a different affair when we have so much sympathy for the father's plight. In both tellings THE SHINING remains one of the grandest, most fascinating haunted house tales ever told.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The seductress who morphs into a cackling hag not only echoes many a grim fairy tale but is also every drunkard's "coyote ugly" nightmare come viciously to life
  • The enigmatic kneeling plushy enthusiast hints we've only seen the tip of the iceberg as far as what the Overlook has to offer
  • The Diane Arbus twins famous incantation "Come and play with us Danny, forever and ever and ever…"