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Unk & Mickster's Halloween Candy Top Five

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's that time of year again when I usually jump on a soapbox and plead with the civilized world for the banning of Mary Jane candy. Since all of my previous efforts to rid the Mary Jane scourge from trick or treat bags across the land have gone widely ignored thus far, I have chosen to take a different, more dignified path.

My imaginary friend Cloister, the three-eyed donkey often says, "Why be a negative Nellie when you can be a positive swellie?" Now, I usually don't listen to Cloister because Cloister also says things like, "Take the money!" "Put your hand in the fire!" and "Push Aunt John off the step stool!" but this time I think Cloister has a point. Instead of talking about the Halloween candy I hate why not talk about the candy I love?

Because C3-PO would be intolerable without R2-D2 I elicited the help of the legendary and by all accounts very real Kinderpal Mickster (Check out Mickster in Halloween garb HERE!) to aid in my venture into the world of not bitching about the grossest candy ever made, the Mary Jane. Both Mickster and I both thought long and hard and picked our favorite five Halloween candies. Below you'll find our choices and please keep them in mind when selecting what to distribute from you door this Halloween. Yo, Mickster, you're up first!

MICKSTER'S CANDY TOP FIVE

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter…you got your peanut butter in my chocolate…two great tastes that taste great together! The orange packaging of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups makes me feel all warm and Halloweenie inside!

Candy corn: Whenever I see the yellow, orange, and white of candy corn, I automatically think of Halloween. Mmm-yummy sugar goodness!

Caramel Apples: Delicious and sticky caramel apples remind me of the Halloween Carnival at my elementary school. I looked forward to that carnival every year! Unfortunately, it is now called a "Fall Festival." I say boo and hiss to that! I would never accept a caramel apple trick-r-treating because of the trauma of seeing that kid's tongue in HALLOWEEN II.

Fun-sized candy bars: Fun-sized Snickers are simply fantastic! However, I am cautious if a hippie offers me one because of the warning given by Harris on the Tricks and Treats episode of FREAKS AND GEEKS. He warned Sam, Neil, and Bill that evil hippies were replacing fun-sized candy with chocolate-covered poop! Grody to the max!

Tootsie Pops: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I'll never know because like Mr. Owl from the classic commercial, I cannot resist crunching after lick number three!

UNK'S CANDY TOP FIVE

Lemon Heads: I've always related to Ferrara Pan's Lemon head candies. Like me, they are cheap as hell. Plus, I know I have a giant head even though most people avert their eyes and are polite about it. It's O.K., I've accepted it, we can't all be CHRISTOPHER GEORGE. I was once upon a time also a fan of Cherry Clan candies too but those dudes had to go away because one day everybody realized that they were racist.

Kit Kat bars: I probably sound like a commie pinko that you would like to burn at the stake but my opinion is that chocolate is no big thing. I don't hate it or anything; I just don't understand the crazy, Pavlovian response it usually gets from people. What's the big deal? It is rare or something? The stuff is everywhere. I would think coconut would be more of a delicacy because you have to scrape it out of that hairy shell. Anyway, I cannot fault the Kit Kat bar as it transcends chocolate's usual limitations with the help of that crispy wafer thing shoved inside it.

Smarties: These seem kind of like a rip off and sort of taste like chalk but they never fail to remind me of Halloween. Also, a little known fact is that they actually do make you smarter if you eat enough of them.

Sour Patch Kids: I blame all the suffering in my youth from the fact that Sour Patch Kids were not invented yet.

Bottle Caps: Bottle Caps are delicious like nobody's frickin' business and they taste fuzzy. Word on the street is that even people who hate root beer flavor candy enjoy root beer flavored Bottle Caps. These days it seems like they are only around during Halloween and can only be found in Willy Wonka assortment bags. I miss the classic squashed head packaging myself but I'll take them anyway I can!

Now it's your turn! Speak now or forever hold your peace. What is your Halloween Candy Top Five? Let us know what you like so that we'll be sure to hand it out this Halloween!

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on Loretta Lynn's "To Heck With Ole Santa Claus"

Posted on By kinderpal mickster

It's Christmas time, which tends to make me more sentimental than usual. I love recalling childhood memories of past Christmases. I even love listening to the same Christmas music such as BING CROSBY, JIM REEVES, STATLER BROTHERS, and PERRY COMO. However, I loathe one Christmas song to this day. My family knows I loathe this song and even now as an adult, they taunt me with it.

Icky!

I even hate typing the title, but here it is "To Heck With Ole Santa Claus" by LORETTA LYNN. When I was little, I thought Santa would be angry at me for listening to a song with lyrics like, "When he goes dashin' through the snow I hope he falls, I like to hit him in the (ho ho ho) with a bunch of big snowballs; To heck with ole Santa Claus."

LORETTA even goes on to threaten Santa with this, "This year I'll build a big fire by the fireplace, I'll be like a little pig I read about, If that big bad wolf in red comes down my chimney; He's a gonna scorch his whiskers there's no doubt."

Well, as a child, I thought Santa would be insulted by this song just as Santa in ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS was insulted by Albert's scathing letter to the editor. I sure hope this year that my family forgets to torture me with this loathsome yuletide tune!

Traumafession By Proxy :: Kinderpal Mickster on Super Naturals

Posted on By aunt john

I have been searching several years for a commercial that traumatized my nephew when he was three years old. It was for hologram action figures called Super Naturals. As you will see in the commercial, a kid rips his head off to reveal a glowing wolf-man face. Poor Zac would run screaming, "Kid pull his head off!" to his bedroom. I wonder if other children were traumatized by this commercial?

Unk & Mickster's Top 13 Reasons To Love Friday The 13th: The Series

Posted on By unkle lancifer

What has been my favorite part of hosting Kindertrauma? Meeting folks like Mickster. If you follow these pages at all you are probably familiar with her contributions in the field of traumafessions, her frequent comments and her undeniable prowess with horror trivia. Along with her hubby Professor Von Whiskersen, she has become a true friend.

One of the first things that I learned about our Mickster is that she is a die-hard fan of FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. I remember seeing episodes back in the day and I remember liking them but I never followed it faithfully. Upon her advice, I decided to catch up with it on DVD because a T.V. show that is my friend's friend is my friend too.

Mickster and I now present you with our thirteen personal favorite things about the series, which will simultaneously give you the viewpoint of both a devoted fan and a wet behind the ears newbie. Our ultimate point being, you should be catching up with this classic too. Mickster, take it away…

MICKSTER's TOP SIX:


(Actor) DENIS FOREST
Frequent guest star, DENIS FOREST is one of many reasons I love FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES. He appeared in four episodes during the show's three seasons. From the moment I laid eyes on him, he made my skin crawl. In "Cupid's Quiver," he is the epitome of the sleazy stalker. In "The Brain Drain," he even makes a mentally disabled character creepy. His compulsive gambling character thinks he has found the solution to his mounting debts in "The Mephisto Ring." In "My Wife as a Dog," he portrays a divorced firefighter that wants to switch his ex-wife's life with the life of his beloved, dying dog.


JACK MARSHAK (actor CHRIS WIGGINS)
What would FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES be without Jack? Well, there wouldn't have been a show without Jack. Ryan wanted to keep the store, but Micki insisted they sell the store and its contents. After the big sale, Jack arrives and discovers the manifest. Ryan and Micki were getting ready to go back to their old lives before the revelation they had unleashed cursed objects into the world. Jack's vast knowledge of the occult and magic saved Ryan and Micki on numerous occasions. I have a soft spot for older characters that kick butt. You just don't have many of those nowadays.


TIME TRAVEL
Awesome cursed objects used for time travel makes me love the Series even more. Four episodes involved objects used for time travel: season one "The Baron's Bride," season two "Eye of Death," and season three "Hate on Your Dial" and "The Charnel Pit." My favorite of the four is season one's "The Baron's Bride." This episode has a vampire traveling back in time via a diamond broach and inspiring Bram Stoker to write Dracula. The sequences of the episode taking place in the past were filmed in black-and-white, which I think was a nice touch.


(actor) ZACK WARD ( aka A CHRISTMAS STORY's Scut Farcus )
One of my favorite episodes from season one, "Vanity's Mirror," features ZACK WARD. You may be more familiar with ZACK as Scut "Yellow Eyes" Farcus from the classic holiday film A CHRISTMAS STORY. After he falls under the spell of a cursed compact, ZACK meets his doom in a trash compactor. Ralphie, Flick, and Schwartz would have cheered Helen on as she turned Scut Farcus into a bloody stain at the bottom of a dumpster. The poor guy was trying to be a gentleman by retrieving Helen's handkerchief she purposely threw in the dumpster.


RYAN DALLION (Actor JOHN D. LEMAY)
As much as I enjoyed checking out Micki's hip styles each episode, I think I enjoyed making fun of Ryan's interesting fashion choices more. For my money, Ryan's worst fashion choices were featured in the fantastic season one episode, "Scarecrow". The cardigan and cap he sported for the majority of the episode were simply atrocious. Bad fashion choices or not, I still had a crush on him. I think there was something about him that reminded me of Duckie from PRETTY IN PINK.


(Actor) R.G. ARMSTRONG
Whenever I see R.G. ARMSTRONG it is a safe bet he is going to be a bad guy. His turn as Uncle Lewis Vendredi is no exception. During the first episode called, "The Inheritance," it appears Uncle Lewis reconsidered by deciding not to sell an evil doll to a little girl. By doing this, the Devil promptly drags him to Hell. During the rest of the series, whenever Uncle Lewis appears he is up to no good. He attempts to make his way back to earth in the season one episode, "Hellowe'en" and the season two episode, "Doorway to Hell." R. G. ARMSTRONG is the quintessential bad guy.

UNK's TOP SIX:


(actress) SARAH POLLEY
The series is off to a great start by featuring one of my favorite actresses (DAWN OF THE DEAD's SARAH POLLEY) as a young child in its very first episode. The fact that this series opener also involves a very kindertraumatic haunted doll, makes it just that much more awesome.


(actress) LESLEH DONALDSON
How happy am I to see scream queen LESLEH DONALDSON in the episode "The Great Montarro"? In the early eighties LESLEH consecutively starred in FUNERAL HOME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, DEADLY EYES and the inimitable slasher classic CURTAINS!


MICKI FOSTER (actress ROBEY)
You can not underestimate the supernatural allure of ginger goddess (LOUISE) ROBEY. For my money she may be one of the most under appreciated eighties icons of all time. Everything about her emits the neon glow of the decade of excess from her fire alarm mane to her off stage new wave rocker persona (Just check out her singing cameo in THE MONEY PIT). Wherever you are ROBEY, come back we miss you!


EVIL DWARF LADY
I'm a sucker for Halloween episodes but F13:TS's "Hellowe'en" takes the pumpkin cake by resurrecting Lewis Vendredi (the uncle responsible for the cursed antiques) and giving him an evil shape shifting dwarf lady for a sidekick. I'm officially hooked now.


CANADA
X-FILES fans need to give this show some props. FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES not only has a level headed redhead as a protagonist but like THE X-FILES, is also filmed in Canada. That might not seem like a big deal except for the fact that the great white north has a very distinctive (barren, cold) feel on the small screen. (The above image is from that outstanding WILLIAM FRUET (KILLER PARTY, FUNERAL HOME) directed first season episode "Scarecrow.") Damn, Canada's greatest export DAVID CRONENBERG even directed an episode (Between THE FLY and DEAD RINGERS no less)!


KOSHER ROMANTIC SPARKS
One of the things that used to confuse me about this show when it originally aired was the sometimes romantic interplay between the two main characters who happen to be cousins (My brothers always informed me that if I had a baby with my cousin Allison it would be born with its thumb stuck to its nose). As it turns out Micki and Ryan are only cousins by marriage, which means they can pretty much knock themselves out and not have any mutant babies. (As it turns out though, they have much more pressing concerns, what with all them cursed antiques they have to wrangle.)

REASON #13: WE BOTH SAY…

THE THEME SONG
Mickster and I agree that the theme song rules in all sorts of ways, check it out below…

Kinder-Editorial :: Kinderpal Mickster on the Horrors of Snoopy Come Home

Posted on By kinderpal mickster

snoopy come home!

Utter joy is what I felt when I first learned there was a feature length Charlie Brown cartoon, and it would soon air on CBS. What I didn't know was the traumatizing effect it would have on me as a child. One might assume it was Snoopy leaving Charlie Brown to live with his previous owner, Lila, that disturbed me, but that event was only a drop in the bucket of despair that is SNOOPY COME HOME.

Let us begin with the discrimination and prejudice endured by Snoopy. Right from the beginning of the film, Snoopy is cast out of all his favorite spots simply because he is a dog. A familiar deep voice (THURL RAVENSCROFT) sings, "No Dogs Allowed!" throughout the film. Even Woodstock is not immune to these senseless acts of bigotry. At the beach, library, bus, hospital, and apartment complex Snoopy is deemed unworthy.

snoopy come home!

Next, we are introduced to a future serial killer. As Snoopy and Woodstock are making their journey, they encounter a seemingly harmless little girl. The soon find, however, she is not harmless at all. Before you can say Lizzie Borden, Snoopy has a thick rope tied around his neck, and Woodstock is shoved into a cage. This diabolical girl likes her victims clean, so she proceeds to almost drown poor Snoopy in the tub. Her next step is to dress her victim, and play tea party where she purposely spills tea then blames Snoopy. She puts Snoopy across her knee and spanks him. This is truly twisted stuff. Snoopy makes a break for it and attempts to call for help. Unfortunately, she retches the phone from his paw and drags him to the local vet. Luckily, Snoopy escapes the vet's office and rushes back to the crime scene to help Woodstock get away. Nail-biting action ensues as the psychopath chases Snoopy and Woodstock through the house of horrors. In the end, Snoopy and Woodstock barely escape with their lives. I find it interesting psycho-girl keeps calling to her mother about her new pets, but there is no reply. My theory is the mother has already been dispatched PSYCHO-style by this miniature serial killer in the making.

The final death nail, for me, was the going away bash held for Snoopy after he announced his plans to live permanently with his former owner, Lila. When even Lucy begins crying over Snoopy's imminent departure you know it is for real. I cannot recall if I made it through the entire going away party before slipping off to my bedroom to sob uncontrollably. Once again, as she always did, my mother came looking for me. She encouraged me to return for the rest of the movie. Happily, I returned just in time to see Snoopy come home to Charlie Brown.

Many years later, I shared this film with my niece. I wondered if I had been a total wimp when I had watched the movie as a child. I soon found my niece had an almost identical reaction to the movie. I, like my mother, had to coax her into finishing the movie.

snoopy come home!

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster (on behalf of her nephew) on An American Tail

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Over the weekend, I was listening to a rebroadcast of America's Top 40 with CASEY KASEM from February 1987. There was a song on the countdown that reminded me of a trauma suffered by my nephew. The song was "Somewhere Out There" sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram. This song is from the 1986 animated film AN AMERICAN TAIL. It seemed like a harmless animated movie that could not possibly traumatize a child.

Well, in the fall of 1987 my sister and her husband decided they wanted to go out of town for the weekend and leave my nephew (3 years old) and my niece (8 months old) with me (16 years old). The only flaw in this fabulous plan was selecting AN AMERICAN TAIL as the entertainment. Bear in mind that this was the first time (other than the birth of my niece) my nephew had been separated from his parents. About the time, Fievel is separated from his family and begins telling everyone he meets he lost his family my nephew began crying. For the rest of the weekend all I heard was, "I've lost my family." constantly. Due to a poor choice at the video store, my nephew was traumatized and I was annoyed. To this day, I can't stand AN AMERICAN TAIL.

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on BBC's Count Dracula (1977)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This particular trauma I suppressed from my memory until I was a teenager. I decided to read Dracula during my junior year of high school because of my love for vampire lore. While reading I came to the part where Dracula gives the three vampire women, a baby to feed on. Suddenly, I had a flashback of witnessing this scene being played out in a movie. For years, I tried to figure out what version I viewed. I knew it had aired on PBS, and I suspect that is the reason why my parents thought that it would be okay for me to watch. Anyway, I started thinking about the origin of this trauma last year and finally pinpointed the source. It is COUNT DRACULA made by the BBC in 1977 and starring LOUIS JOURDAN. Through further investigation, I determined that I must have seen the first broadcast on PBS Great Performances (I believe in 1978) because subsequent broadcasts cut the scene with the three vampire women feeding on the baby. When I received the DVD from Netflix, my memory was confirmed. I have watched many versions of Dracula over the years, but this one is by far the closest adaptation on film. If you are a fan of Dracula, I highly recommend checking it out. However, I do not recommend allowing a seven-year-old child to watch. This scene so shocked and disturbed my young mind that it was blocked from my memory for ten years.

Please enjoy viewing the horrifying scene…

Traumafession By Proxy :: Mickster on Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Our pal Mickster left this in the comments section of the last post, but I think it's front page material and I wanted to make sure that nobody missed it:

What about the use of numerous wonderful cartoon characters in 1990's Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue? My niece and nephew viewed this several times when they were little. I'm surprised that no one has had a traumafession related to this cartoon. Read about it HERE

Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on Halloween II

Posted on By aunt john

After graduating from junior college in May of 1992, I took a job in my hometown hospital's emergency room. As an emergency room clerk, I registered people as they entered the ER for treatment. During my time I work worked both first and second shift (there wasn't a third shift). As Halloween approached, my co-worker asked me if I would switch shifts on Halloween, so she could take her children trick-or-treating. Not having any children, I agreed. I made a stupid mistake before going to my shift on that night. I decided to watch HALLOWEEN II. What could possibly be the harm in watching this movie? It is not as scary as the original HALLOWEEN, and I had seen it many times before. Well, I wasn't thinking that the majority of the action takes place in a small town hospital on Halloween night. The hospital I worked in was as small and vacant as the hospital in the movie.

Second shift normally ended at 12A.M. and one of the last duties of the night was to take all of the files from the shift to the business office at the front of the hospital. During the day, this was a busy area with plenty of people; however, at 12 A.M. it was dark and completely void. The night had been uneventful especially for a Saturday night. I had even put the movie out of my mind until I started my journey down the long, dark corridor. The mind can play amazing tricks on you in such a situation. I could hear JOHN CARPENTER's haunting music pulsating in my head. I could see the shadow of a knife-wheedling, masked man. I had the feeling you get when you wake from a nightmare and are still unsure if it was real or not. My heartbeat quickened and I felt panicky. Quickly, I unlocked the door, threw the files on the desk, and raced back to the emergency room.

Whoa! I had learned a valuable lesson. Never again would I mix HALLOWEEN II with working in the ER on Halloween night.

Name That Trauma :: Kinderpal Mickster on a Story Record Involving a Guy Turned Into a Werewolf With a Bloody Pentagram in the Palm of His Hand

Posted on By aunt john

I grew up living on a cul-de-sac in a small southern town. My parents were very strict about knowing where I was at all times and this was before child abductions were all over the news. In the summer time, my mother didn't allow me to stay in the house during the day if the weather was pleasant. As soon as I was dressed and had breakfast I was pushed out the door and only allowed to come inside for lunch or bathroom breaks.

Well, I had away around that problem when I played with the girls next door. Their babysitter allowed them to play in her house when they wanted. If the day were particularly hot, we would retreat into the house to play. We mostly played with our Barbie's, but sometimes we would listen to story records.

There were two records in particular that we listened to in order to scare ourselves out of our wits. One was "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF and the other I can't identify (It was about a guy turning into a werewolf).

We would turn out the lights and close the curtains to make it as dark as possible. The younger of the two sisters was quite a whinier so we would do our best to freak her out, unfortunately, most of the time we ended up freaking ourselves out in the process.

I was fortunate enough to find "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" read by BORIS KARLOFF on-line recently. I can't find the other record though. All I remember about it is that some guy turns into a werewolf and they describe a bloody pentagram in the palm of his hand.

I would be eternally grateful if someone could identify this story record for me. I have faith that Unkle Lancifer, Aunt John, or the readers of Kindertrauma will be able to help solve this mystery.


UNK SEZ: Mickster, it's sort of a shot in the dark but I was able to track down these two werewolf records. Let me know if either looks familiar. I also found THIS WEBSITE which is devoted to "Power Records." The cool thing is that in the case of "The Curse of the Werewolf" you can not only read the comic found inside, but also listen to the record as well. I gave it a listen, but unfortunately there was no mention of that bloody pentagram on the palm that you vividly recall, so this is probably not the one you're looking for. (It's a fun listen just the same). Does anyone out there remember this record kinderpal Mickster is looking for? If so, drop us a line, either in the comment section or via email! Good luck Mickster!

STATUS: SOLVED! (yeah Mickster!!!) See comments section for more info.