Hey, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films is now available on Netflix Streaming! It's the documentary so nice I watched it twice from director MARK HARTLEY, the guy who delivered us the excellent NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! and that super snappy PATRICK remake! To celebrate, today's NAME THAT game is stuffed to the gills with your favorite CANNON FILMS! How many can YOU identify?
Ok, these two may be from the late '70s – early '80s, and may have been television shows or movies.
My memory is quite limited, but I will share what I can recall, and hopefully you can help so I can revisit my kindertrauma!
The first show had a little girl, about 10-years-old, and she had burnt up ashy skin. Can't recall the background… Wicker Man? Village of the Damned???
The second (again with limited memories) had something to do with hiding the body of a girl in a heating duct or something….possibly in a large mill or factory… For some reason I feel that the name "Eleanor" was connected to this, somehow.
I know it isn't very much to go off, but it scared me enough to have created a block about any further details!!!
Please help if you can!!!
Thanks!
-T Vester
UNK SEZ: Thanks for writing in T. Vester! I've only got guesses for you today but I guess that's O.K. 'cuz guesses are movie titles and movie titles are what we eat for breakfast around here. Even if they are wrong, they might give somebody an idea of what to watch next or maybe just joggle a memory or two. The first one instantly made me think of EYES OF FIRE (1983) because that has a kid with a charred face in it (see image above) but maybe that one has just been on my mind a lot lately because of that scary trailer for THE WITCH…
The second I have no clue about but it did make me think of FRIENDSHIPS, SECRETS AND LIES (1979) the notorious TV movie in which a baby skeleton is found in a demolished sorority house and the suspects include folks like LORETTA SWITT and TINA LOUISE. Hopefully one of our learned readers will have a better guess. Anybody got any ideas?
Ssssssh! Let's watch something that we're not supposed to watch. As long as Richard Carpenter is not a regular reader of Kindertrauma, I think we can totally get away with this. Have you ever seen TODD HAYNES' lil' masterpiece SUPERSTAR: The Karen Carpenter Story that is based on the life and times of the tragic genius KAREN CARPENTER? It's so cool because all the actors are dolls and even more strange is just how creepy and moving it ends up being. Sadly this 44-minute slice of brilliance will probably never have a proper release because of all the musical licensing mumbo jumbo and the fact that Richard Carpenter is not a fan of the content in any way, shape or form. But my advice is you should check it out on the down low anyway because at the end of the day, art is more important than all that other stuff and you don't want to go about the rest of your life having missed out on this singular experience. I dunno, I get the Carpenters on my mind every year around this time due to their contribution to Christmas music and I think we can learn a lesson from poor Karen's inability to give herself a break and realize how cool she was in the first place. So let's watch this but whatever you do, keep it quiet!
I've told you guys about my ongoing battle to retain my faith in the experience of leaving my home to watch a movie and how it is constantly threatened by my closest theater being too far away, skyrocketing ticket prices, the existence of bedbugs and my deep desire to avoid being involved in one of America's daily mass shootings. But how in the world was I going to resist KRAMPUS when it sports the kindertraumiest character anyone has ever heard of? How could I say no to the too rare opportunity to see a Christmas-set horror movie on the big screen? Geez, when was the last time I had that privilege? I'd have to go all the way back to GREMLINS. That's sort of fitting I guess because it turns out KRAMPUS is THE BEST Christmas-set horror movie since GREMLINS. But unlike GREMLINS, which was released in the heart of summer, KRAMPUS' release is perfectly timed to get you in gear for the holiday season and if you are a horror fan, it's very likely the best gift you'll be getting this year (and better still, it's sure to become a holiday staple).
Another hurdle I currently contend with is my ongoing battle to keep my hope in modern horror movies alive. At the risk of sounding crusty, my theory is this: once upon a time, there were a lot of great movies being made because a person would have to have a certain amount of talent to be handed the directing reins and basically the cream would rise to the top. These days it seems like opportunity is handed over to the shove-iest tool who yaps the loudest and the result is the avalanche of garbage we call modern culture. I bring this up because KRAMPUS was directed by MICHAEL DOUGHERTY, the whiz behind 2007's TRICK R' TREAT and let me tell you, it makes a profound difference when there's somebody with a personal vision behind the wheel rather than your dime-a-dozen hipster-hack.
More good news is that much like the recent and surprisingly lovable FINAL GIRLS (wow, 2015 is shaping up in its last lap), KRAMPUS occupies its world with talented actors who bring idiosyncratic gifts to the table and generally know what they're doing. Check it out, we've got ourselves the veritable virtuoso TONI COLLETTE, the sharp as a tack ADAM SCOTT, the legendary CONCHATA FERRELL, scene stealer DAVID KOECHNER (channeling some VACATION-era RANDY QUAID and my personal favorite, ALLISON TOLMAN fresh off her remarkable stint on the first season of FARGO. (Did I ever tell you that I'm enjoying the FARGO TV series immensely?) Much of the flick is carried on the shoulders of youngster EMJAY ANTHONY and he excels in the sensitivity department to the point where you might think STEVEN SPIELBERG created him in a lab. The flick has got serious soul and when it's not pulling the rug out from under you, it's tugging at your heartstrings…
Because KRAMPUS isn't a horror movie about physical preservation and chronic worries about fatal flesh wounds, it's a dark fantasy terror tale about the hell on Earth the world becomes when you stifle your spirit and your heart looses hope. That might sound corny but the way it is pulled off is fantastic. My favorite aspect of KRAMPUS is how incredibly other-worldy it becomes. It's as if a curtain falls and suddenly the family home has landed on a far off and extremely hostile planet (I think there's even an ALIEN reference as the out-of-town neighbors are the Lamberts and the Cartwrights). Suddenly anything can happen, any character can be swiped away, and any inanimate object can transform and bite back. There's a willful breaking away from expectations and presumed safety zones and you're likely to get a second hand high off the fumes of unbridled creativity born from the thrill of coloring outside the lines.
Beyond GREMLINS, you might get flashes of THE WIZARD OF OZ, TIME BANDITS, THE DARK CRSTAL and HOME ALONE but as KRAMPUS tips its horns to many a classic, it stands as much more than a patchwork quilt and always maintains a dominant sense of self. You could accuse it of being extremely unfaithful to the legend proper but personally I was having way too much fun to care about that. It's safe to say that some horror fans won't find it scary enough but I'm going to go out on a limb and chalk that up to something missing within themselves and the equivalent of a vampire blaming a mirror for its lack of reflection.
I can implore you to see this movie right? On account of I've never implored you to see anything before? It's a great ride and the timing is so spot-on. It's so much more than simply a Christmas-set horror film. It's a sign post in a wasteland of ice reminding you of the importance of keeping your faith in the face of naysayers and what a great loss it is when out of exhaustion, we trash what we believe in (not to mention the timely reminder of how important it is to put aside differences in order to dispel a shared threat). I mean, it almost made me miss my family for a second. How gross is that!? Oh brother, under all this cross-armed cynicism, I'm really the corniest. Turns out the pessimistic way that kid in the movie was starting to feel about Christmas was pretty much aligned with how I was beginning to feel about horror movies. I'm thankful KRAMPUS showed us we were both wrong.
Ten differences! Can you find them all?
My big plan for this past Black Friday was to quietly (if you don't include multiple listens to DEBBIE GIBSON'S "Electric Youth") stay indoors and spend exactly zero pennies virtually visiting the eighties shopping center that exists perfectly preserved within 1989's PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC's REVENGE. Being so lazy as to avoid so much as getting up from my chair, I opted to look the flick up on YouTube rather than dig through my rat pile of VHS tapes. Some Earth angel had posted a high quality DVD rip and I heartily dug into it only to be abruptly taken aback by a scene I had no recollection of. Wait a minute, since when was titular Eric an accomplished gymnast before his fateful fiery accident? Something wasn't ringing right as I had no memory of the awkward (not to mention ultimately pointless) pre-credits sequence I suddenly found myself confronted with.
Shortly thereafter I was doing something only a true film nerd would do, I was watching the VHS tape of PHANTOM OF THE MALL in unison with the DVD version available on YouTube. What I discovered is that the two versions are strikingly different! I'm sure that this information holds little value to anyone but I'm pasting it up here for posterity in case a visitor from another planet needs such knowledge for a book report on people with cinema-centric mental disorders…
Turns out the VHS version has all of the gore, including a delicious decapitated head sequence and that the DVD version is nearly bloodless and replaces much of the violence with a side story involving the love life of a character portrayed by PAULY SHORE. I guess it goes without saying which version I'm partial to. Even if I were to pretend to prefer character development to people's skulls being crushed in trash compactors, the VHS also includes a segment not found in the DVD edit involving a piano player in a bathroom stall being bitten in the genital region by a king cobra snake. I'm still unclear whether the cobra was a trained minion set upon the piano man as a part of his master Eric's revenge plan or if the sinister serpent was randomly operating on its own behalf but the fact remains that the version I shall henceforth refer to as the "cobra edit" of PHANTOM OF THE MALL provides the superior experience. Actually there is no reason that a talented and industrial editor could not compile the two versions into an ultimate edit unless the reason that nobody cares counts.
In closing, PHANTOM is tons of fun not due to quality so much as its unadulterated bizarreness. I mean, Eric the phantom utilizes PATRICK SWAYZE-esque roundhouse kicks when confronted! How is that not going to be awesome? Plus, the baddie adult who is responsible for disfiguring Eric, dampening his romantic life and building a mall on top of the wreckage of his home, is played by none other than JONATHAN GOLDSMITH who has since grown a beard and has become famous as the "most interesting man in the world" in those commercials for….. (Googling)…beer (Huh, they're selling beer in those commercials?).
And here comes lovely MORGAN FAIRCHILD of THE INITIATION OF SARAH fame who portrays an opportunistic and super shady mayor! If visiting a universe in which MORGAN FAIRCHILD is mayor is not enough for you, there's also some truly impressive stunt work involving people falling from great heights within the mall. Oh, and the great KEN FOREE as a security guard! I probably should have opened with that selling point.
The only real problem with PHANTOM, which was directed by the same guy who did DOOM ASYLUM (RICHARD FRIEDMAN) is that there are little scares and there is zero sense of suspense. I don't know if it's the unconvincing make-up or the fact that you can't help but feel sympathy for poor Eric but there's never even the mildest tang of menace (except for when that cobra is around of course). I shall leave you with the DVD rip from YouTube but really folks, if you truly want to enjoy PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC's REVENGE track down that VHS tape! It's (decapitated) heads above the talky alternate jam.
Hello, Kindertrauma!
I was hoping you could help me name a primordial trauma from my youth.
I'm trying to track down an episode of a TV show, maybe a made-for-tv movie. This would be from the mid-to-late 1960s, in color. The gist of it was that there were these two kids of about 12 or 13, sort of cruel versions of Spin and Marty, who were pranking an old lady who lived in a remote area into believing that she was being attacked by aliens and/or flying saucers. They used speakers to make weird sound effects and projectors to make weird lights. The old lady went into utter hysterics, and at one point was filling roasting pans full of boiling water to hurl at the invaders. Ring a bell? I thought it was an episode of Suspense Theatre, but I can't find mention of it in any of the online episode guides. Any clues helping me resolve this trauma? Thanks!
-Mike
Did everybody collectively decide behind my back to downplay and willfully underrate the cinematic output of PETER WELLER? Be honest. I'm seeing a pattern here. Every movie PETER WELLER is in is approximately twice as good as its reputation would suggest. BUCKAROO BANZAI is as quirkily hilarious as it is ahead of its time, LEVIATHON is supposed to be sub-ABYSS but it's actually better at being what people wanted THE ABYSS to be than THE ABYSS ever was, OF UNKOWN ORGIN makes every other killer rat movie that sprung from the eighties smell cheesier and NAKED LUNCH is somehow a masterpiece even though its amorphous source material did everything in its power to stand obstinately un-filmable. And hey, what about ROBOCOP? At the end of the day didn't ROBOCOP have so much more to say than THE TERMINATOR both literally and figuratively? I'd say so and if I'm wrong well, it's also got NANCY ALLEN and is therefore unsurpassable. Anyway, you get the point. PETER WELLER movies are always better than people act like they there are and here comes another screeching example with SCREAMERS!
Mid-budgeted science fiction films are the best because they have enough money to not embarrass themselves but not so much that fall prey to that inhuman soulless vibe that follows TOM CRUISE around like an overbred puppy. SCREAMERS surely suffers from some endearing dated-ness from time to time but for the most part its worn just enough around the edges to be the right shade of dystopian. Written by the late great DAN O'BANNON (ALIEN, DEAD & BURIED, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD) and based on a short story by BLADE RUNNER mastermind PHILIP K. DICK, SCREAMERS tends to be a little too detail oriented for my humble head so I'm just going to describe it as TREMORS with self upgrading robots that can sometimes pass for humans and leave it at that (also don't watch the trailer cuz the trailer has a big mouth). Furthermore it features the criminally underrated JENNIFER RUBIN of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS fame! I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that RUBIN's Taryn is my favorite of all the ELM STREET characters. Sorry, but Nancy gets on my nerves. I'll close by adding that SCREAMERS only real misstep is making some of the deadly droids too adorable. I kind of want to own a few as pets and just cross my fingers that they don't saw my arms off.
Speaking of my profound disappointment to find myself in the year 2015 without a robot to call my own, lets say we take a look at the fantastic, though sometimes shoddily designed semi-futuristic world of RUNAWAY. This 1984 production was written and directed by none other than MICHAEL CRICHTON. You may know CRICHTON as the dude behind JURASSIC PARK but I know him as the worship-worthy genius who created the stunningly insane thriller LOOKER (1981) and the esteemed gent who wed B-movie royalty ANNE-MARIE MARTIN of THE BOOGENS and PROM NIGHT (who, just when I thought I couldn't love her more, makes an appearance in RUNAWAY as "hooker at bar").
Swanky TOM SELLECK, at peak TOM SELLECK-ness, stars as cop Jack Ramsey who is really good at dismantling wayward rogue robots (called "runaways") and really terrible at dealing with heights (which not surprisingly comes into heavy play during the films high altitude climax). Luckily Tom's uniquely vulnerable (for an ‘80s movie) character has a strong support system that includes a robot maid named Louise and a new partner played by multitalented dancer extraordinaire CYNTHIA RHODES (DIRTY DANCING, STAYING ALIVE, FLASHDANCE). Oh, and he also has a sometimes trust worthy ally played by the sometimes worthy but mostly crusty KIRSTIE ALLEY.
Jack's going to need all the help he can get because he's facing off against an equally hirsute but way smarter madman named Luther (GENE SIMMONS of KISS sans make-up). Lethal Luther creates killer spider, jumping bean robots that inject acid into your neck before catching your ass on fire and is fond of a gun that shoots miniature heat seeking smart bullets and he really, really wants some kind of plans or floppy discs or circuits that he can use to make even more deadly devices. RUNAWAY is one of those movies that can just basically coast on how awesomely eighties it all is. There is some super sloppy editing here and there (one character's death scene comes off as a footnote when it should have been a headline) but mostly its non-stop joy with a synth-tastic JERRY GOLDSMITH score. The shrugging humdrum future offered in RUNWAY that left audiences wanting more in 1984 ironically lends it a little extra credibility today. Do yourself a favor and grab some SCREAMERS, pair them up with them RUNWAY spider-bots and create a perfect homemade army of murderous albeit slightly clunky late night double feature entertainment.
Special Bonus: ROCKY IV's Happy Birthday Paulie-bot
Since tomorrow sees the opening of CREED, the latest film in the ROCKY franchise which just happens to take place in Philly, the same beloved city that Kindertrauma Kastle calls home, lets take a moment to appreciate the peaceful robot that appeared in ROCKY IV, killed absolutely nobody and ultimately stole the hearts of millions…
I can't imagine a horror fan not enjoying 1997's BREAKDOWN. Sure it's more likely to be thrown into the action/thriller pile but it skillfully drives well past suspenseful and crashes into something scarier than your average fright flick. Not to mention this baby also stars two of horror fandom's favorite folks, frequent JOHN CARPENTER cohort KURT RUSSELL and resplendent KATHLEEN QUINLAN of TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE, WARNING SIGN, EVENT HORIZON and THE HILL HAVE EYES (remake) fame. If you are not a KATHLEEN QUINLAN supporter then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave these premises…shoo! I said good day sir!
What I can tell you without ruining the point of watching the movie is this: our chums KURT and KATHLEEN portray likable married couple Jeff and Amy Taylor who are relocating themselves to California and have to drive through that gross part of America where all the crazies live. Their car breaks down and Amy gets a lift from a trucker (the always dependable, exceptionally good and surprising menacing J.T. WALSH) to get to a nearby diner to call for assistance and maybe get an iced tea. Later when Jeff gets to the diner to meet up with his wife, she's nowhere to be found and the trucker acts like he's never seen him or her before! Yep, it's a total nightmare and things just get worse and worse from there as justifiably paranoid Jeff does everything possible to find his wife while uncovering the evilest of peoples and the shadiest of happenings.
After you watch BREAKDOWN you must watch DYING ROOM ONLY or wait, maybe you should watch DYING ROOM ONLY first. Yeah, do that instead. It's only fair because DYING is from 1973 and it came out first and it's one of the best TV movies ever made and why wouldn't it be when it was written by genre legend and a half RICHARD (too many stone cold classics to list) MATHESON? DYING ROOM ONLY concerns the slightly less affable married couple Bob and Jean Mitchell (my dream parents DABNEY COLEMAN and CLORIS LEACHMAN) who stop off at an out of the way diner in the middle of nowhere and live to fully regret it. When Jean returns from using the ladies room her husband is nowhere to be found and every creepy person in the diner starts acting like a cat that swallowed a DABNEY COLEMAN-flavored canary. Again, I'm not going to ruin anything but the more Jean investigates the more horrific and widespread the conspiracy appears to be and there doesn't seem to be a limit to the evil those involved are capable of.
If you haven't noticed yet BREAKDOWN and DYING ROOM ONLY mirror each other and are two peas in a pod especially if one of those peas has gone missing and the other has to search for it. Both flicks expertly rake similar fears involving mistrust of strangers (particularly in areas far from home) and the anxieties and frustrations that orbit our inability to fully insure the safety of our loved ones. I say get on these! Both are nail-biting essentials especially if you have control issues, chronic ruraphobia and a healthy and well-warranted mistrust of greasy spoons.
Sad? You can use HULU like CALGON and tell it to take you away! You don't even have to sign up or pay a dime, HULU has got plenty of freebies to enjoy. Take 2013's COTTAGE COUNTRY for example. It features saucy and sensational FINAL GIRLS star MALIN AKERMAN and the lovely and glamorous TYLER LABINE of TUCKER AND DALE vs EVIL fame! Both those guys are hilarious if you ask me. I know comedy is subjective so I can't guarantee you anything but what have you got to lose? This flick is about a couple who try to have a nice weekend but end up killing a bunch of folks instead. You know how that is. It kind of reminds me a bit of another beloved film, 1996's THE LAST SUPPER. It's got a similar sick sense of humor plus both films take place in a cozy location that is comfortable to hang out in anyway. Just press this word HERE and away you go!
