kindertrauma

Crimson Peak, The Pyramid, We Are Still Here and Ash vs The Evil Dead. Plus Stung, Kristy and The Last Shift.

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Don't bury me I'm not dead! Sorry I have not been around lately but boy was I sick and not in the cute sniffles and terrycloth slippers way that allows for binging on KATE & ALLIE reruns either but in that way when you can't even sleep because your body is a sack of stolen silverware and Satan is using your lungs for Jell-0 molds and you spend your time praying to the cenobites to maybe not be so stingy with the oblivion. Luckily I love the taste of medicine and can drink it all day and am actually now starting to fantasize about opening a bar that only serves shots of Robitussin and extra strength liquid Mucinex. Yum. Anyway, here's some stuff I watched through queasy-colored glasses…

CRIMSON PEAK (2015)

If you can still catch this in the movie theater you should, even though I'm convinced that walking past the poster for JEM and the HOLOGRAMS is how I caught my death-flu. I may even be so bold as to say that CRIMSON might be my favorite Guillermo del Toro movie. I know it's probably not as worthy as either PAN'S LABYRINTH or THE DEAVIL'S BACKBONE but it has much better re-watch value for me because it's not emotionally taxing in any way. And let's face it, I can be super shallow and sometimes I just want to gawk at a movie and bask in its visuals and bypass all the chin music. CRIMSON PEAK's story is pretty frivolous and inconsequential and it almost got into trouble with me for having a helpful ghost at the end (luckily it didn't physically interact with anything so I gave it a pass) but it's an absolute stunner to look at overall (give or take a few gaudy effects) and the entire cast is mostly phenomenal (special shout out to SUPERNATURAL's much missed JIM BEAVER!). CRIMSON may have stumbled at the box office but I'm here to tell you that once it finds its intended audience, it's sure to become a cult classic. I want to own it and I want to watch it every time it snows for the rest of my life.

THE PYRAMID (2004)

What kind of person watches THE PYRAMID on HBO while chomping on CHEEZ-IT encrusted chicken fingers and left over Halloween candy? A garbage person and that's me! Dudes, I was at the height of my hallucinating, barely coherent, flipping in and out of consciousness coupled with a ferocious fever/death-dream when I sort of viewed this bucket of why bother and it held my hand and walked me toward the light. Sure, it's terrible but my brain could only handle soft food anyway. Did you know there is no mummy in this movie? Aren't you happy to hear that? Instead it's got BOOGENS-behavin' CGI kitty cats and a jackal headed ALIEN-esque monster stomping around its halls! That's not a spoiler, that's a selling point! I would have seen this mess in the theater if the advertising told me as much! On the down side, PYRAMID is as stupid as a rock, looks like it was filmed in a left over SID & MARTY KROFT LAND OF THE LOST set and is crying like a baby for a more charismatic lead than whoever the hell that blonde lady was. God help me though, I did enjoy heckle-watching this flick and I want to thank it for kindly delivering on the gore and adorable monsters.

WE ARE STILL HERE (2015)

At this point nothing gives me more pause than an independent horror movie carting around a satchel of near unanimous positive reviews. Moreover, if it happens to sport a fawning blurb from one of the larger horror websites on its DVD cover I interpret that as more of a red flag warning than an endorsement. I know that's cynical, I'm just telling you my truth, I almost skipped right on by WE ARE STILL HERE on account of all the moonie-flavored gushing surrounding it. Even more suspicious was the fact that the flick's got LARRY FESSENDEN in it! I can't trust reviewers to be clear-headed when he's around. The guy is a hypnotist!

Anyway, eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I went against my jaded nature and gave it a twirl and guess what? I thought it deserved a pat on the back or maybe a high-five. How was I not going to dig charred gooby-ghoulies with glowing eyes that looked like they fell off THE FOG's Elizabeth Dane? Plus the flick has got a strong sense of setting and there's a nifty retro vibe and frankly, a supernatural stew of occult mumbo jumbo was exactly what the doctor ordered. I was also very much impressed with BARBARA CRAMPTON's glum performance. The rest of the acting ranged from passable to cringe-worthy but I thought CRAMPTON was the bee's depressed knees. Alright, I'm gonna smoosh a gold star sticker on this movie's face for setting up a delightfully dismal mood and for delivering the gory goods instead of jerking everybody around but I'm also going to say it's needlessly convoluted, there's plenty o' room for improvement in the dialogue department and (most damning) I could possibly live without owning the DVD. Maybe.

ASH vs EVIL DEAD (2015)

People like to call me on my landline and say "Hey! You're too nostalgic! Why don't you like modern stuff? You only like old junk! Get with it Pops!" which is obviously super annoying. I almost started believing those turds until I saw ASH vs EVIL DEAD and was reminded by its brilliant recapturing of the spirit of the original series that movies really were tons better in the eighties. Not my fault. This ASH show is funny, scary (sorry, those possessed deadites still get to me) and most of all, refreshingly buoyant and lively. And get this, I think Ash is even more Ash now that he's hit curmudgeonly over-the-hill mode! It's so perfect for him. Sadly I don't have STARZ so I may have to wait to keep up to date but as for now, the first episode is available free online or as a special cable preview. Now THIS is a godsend folks. The more Ash the better I always say! Now I'm so glad I didn't die this week!

Being not dead and sparked with new hope for the future thanks to my pal ASH, I decided it was time for me to crawl out of my cave and take a peek at what I was missing on the Internet. What I found was an avalanche of inanities concerning Christmas cups and a couple of dunderheads disrespecting the sad death of beloved horror icon GUNNAR HANSEN who famously portrayed the lucky person who got to kill Franklin Hardesty in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Something deep within my soul said; "Oh, hells no" and so I ran into the strong welcoming arms of NETFLIX streaming where I will always belong…

STUNG(2015)

Nothing can cheer a guy up more than watching a catered event destroyed by a swarm of killer wasps and STUNG is swell enough to overfill my plate by suggesting said wasps also grow to the size of Volkswagens and more than occasionally burst out of people's skins. If you are a fan of slimy, over-the-top practical effects you've just hit pay dirt and then some but stand warned that the characters and story don't gel any firmer than the rivers of goo. I dunno, I kept feeling like I had caught this flick in the middle even though I hadn't and I guess I would have appreciated more time to establish things. Still, if you are a fan of say, 1993's TICKS you are going to want to check this twisted sister out. There's even a memorable weird-o performance by CLIFTON COLLINS JR. that struck me as possibly inspired by CLINT HOWARD's turn in that flick. Nope, it's not nearly as fun as TICKS but it comes a hell of a lot closer to crawling along side it than your standard CGI monster flick.

KRISTY (2014)

Whilst myself and Aunt John were wantonly watching THE UNAUTHORIZED MELROSE PLACE STORY on LIFETIME we were bombarded with ads claiming that a week later we could watch KRISTY, the story of a college lass who skips Thanksgiving break and is fittingly attacked by people wearing aluminum foil masks resembling angry, abandoned baked potatoes. Of course we showed up that very next week but where was KRISTY? She was a no-show and some dumb other thing was presented instead. I figured that was that and I'd never hear of KRISTY again but the fates had different plans and this chilly thriller that concerns itself with random acts of unkindness materialized on our buddy Netflix. The nice thing about KRISTY is that it is a patient movie and it takes it time and it builds some legitimate moments of suspense. The FINAL EXAM campus setting and autumnal atmosphere don't hurt either. On the minus side, there's a repetitiveness to the cat and mouse play and when it switches to ye old building weapons and booby traps HOME ALONE-mode, it's basically paint by numbers. I applaud the build up simmer though and promise to buy it a Mountain Dew and a pumpkin pie for at least being original enough not to utilize tired old livestock masks.

LAST SHIFT (2014)

Wait a minute. This movie got to me. Something about working late at night, alone is so unnerving. LAST SHIFT concerns a lady cop on her first night of work having to hang out at a police station that's preparing to close so it's sort of like NIGHTWATCH mixed with ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 but with a hell'o bunch of super-yikes supernatural shenanigans going down. There's one shot that I truly hated involving JACOB'S LADDER-style shaking figures that I felt was way too dated and obvious but otherwise LAST SHIFT is a surprisingly eerie effort and seriously supplies the mind-trippy spooks. The make up is amazing. There's a demon face that appears in this flick that I felt compelled to turn away from that puts that Bugaboody dude from SINISTER to abject shame. Huh, so I guess as far as actually scaring me, this LAST SHIFT picture takes the prize. Who'd have thunk? Then again, I was watching some sitcom on TBS and they thought it might be a good idea to advertise an upcoming show about bugs by having a giant striped cockroach of some sort crawl over their logo on the corner of the TV screen and it almost made me simultaneously loose my lunch and my feeble sanity so maybe it's just my state of mind. All right, I'm going back to bed.

EPILOGUE: G.I. JOE episode: There's No Place Like Springfield

We received a traumafession years ago about this episode of the animated G.I. JOE series concerning sailor extraordinaire "Shipwreck" and his mental unraveling as he discovers he is living in false reality and witnesses trusted allies transforming into wailing blobs of molten gray sludge on several occasions. I'd like to know why it's being shown at 5 in the morning when I can't sleep. Why?

NOTE: The very top image is of a painting by artist HUEY CROWLEY and I had zero permission to hang it sideways.

Name That Trauma:: Chris O. on Bundled Kittens and a Burning Inn

Posted on By unkle lancifer

OK, I have two for you, if you're interested. I have had zero luck over the years figuring out what these are.

1. A man arrives at an inn that is (of course) in the middle of nowhere. He checks in alongside another new guest, a middle-aged woman. During the evening, the man meets a beautiful young woman, who is also staying at the inn. They eventually go back to his room for a romantic engagement and are in the midst of said engagement when the clock strikes midnight and the woman turns evil and attacks him. (I think maybe her eyes change somehow.) It turns out that everyone in the inn, except for the man and the middle-aged woman who checked in at the same time, are malevolent beings intent on killing the guests. In the mayhem, a fire erupts. The man tries to save the middle-aged woman but cannot, so he flees the burning building. The next morning, the man and a police officer he told his story to arrive at the site of the inn. But there's nothing there. No inn. No sign of fire. Just an empty field. But not entirely empty. The corpse of the middle-aged woman is there, among the tall grass. The end. … I'm pretty sure this was an episode of a horror anthology series, like Tales from the Darkside or Hammer House of Horror. And I think it was a British production. I saw it circa 1984.

2. There's very little to go by on this one. It's the ending of a horror movie from, I'm guessing, the late 1960s or early 1970s (based on my hazy memories of the production values and costumes). The "bad" guy, who is either a Frankenstein's monster type or a hunchback/Igor type, is trying to escape the police via a rooftop. But he is shot and falls to his death. Here's the part that stuck with me, though. He was carrying something bundled up in his clothes. As he lay dead on the ground, a few kittens emerge from his grasp and mew pitifully while walking around on his chest. That's it. That's all I have. I've long hoped that the moment involving the cats is specific enough to help lead me to answer. But, thus far, I've had no luck.

Five Feline Flicks for National Cat Day

Posted on By unkle lancifer

If you follow these pages you already know that my best buddies are cats even though they are incredibly inconsiderate when I'm trying to sleep. If you don't have a cat make sure you get one and if you do have a cat, make sure it's neutered because there's nothing sadder than a homeless hobo cat especially in bad weather. In any case, here are a handful of movies that feature our whiskered friends…

SHADOW OF THE CAT (1961)

A cat that witnesses the murder of its old lady owner seeks revenge on the conniving creeps responsible! Yes, please! If you like old dark houses, BARBARA SHELLY who also starred in CAT GIRL (1957) or just the fact that most cats have no problem detecting a degenerate when they see one, this is for you!

HAUSU (AKA HOUSE, 1977)

Is it even possible to describe this movie? Once upon a time I think I tried to HERE. As I recall a bunch of teenage girls take a trip to one of the girl's aunt's house in the country and an avalanche of inexplicable events ensue. The insanity is somehow overseen by a painting of a big white fluffy cat that eventually shoots blood out of its mouth. This movie can also be watched on National Watermelon Day.

CAT'S EYE (1985)

Don't even get me started. General the cat is my hero and I will weep tears of joy when he turns on the record player while the troll is standing on it and sends him flying. You'd probably have to live under a rock to have never seen this STEPHEN KING-penned horror anthology directed by the guy who did CUJO (LEWIS TEAGUE) and starring the only human nearly as cute as a cat, the young DREW BARRYMORE. My younger self thought this movie was pretty good but my smarter older self knows it's beyond phenomenal. Why am I not watching it now?

THE UNINVITED (1988)

As I revealed to you HERE, my late great cat Gato Malo once starred in a movie with the legendary GEORGE KENNEDY and the result was high entertainment on the high seas! I have a theory that every night when God goes to bed he/she cries himself to sleep because he/she knows that he/she lacks the power and ability to create something as perfect as THE UNIVITED and it makes him/her feel like a slouch.

HOCUS POCUS (1993)

Here's my last choice and I know I had several EDGAR ALAN POE cats to choose from for this list but I'm going to ignore them because you never know when a cat in POE movie is going to get strangled or something (I'm looking at you, TOMB OF LIGEIA– and don't act so innocent TWO EVIL EYES). Besides, Halloween is just days away so let's say we again salute good ol' Binx shall we? I'm always astounded when I hear that black cats are the hardest for shelters to adopt because black cats are the best and smartest and most personable. Trust me! If you want to be superstitious about something be superstitious about Friday the 13th because that is the day Jason Voorhees comes out and shoots an arrow into your eyeball in 3-D. For real.

EXTRA BONUS DON'T WATCH: THE RETURN OF DRACULA (1958)

Ugh, what was wrong with people in the fifties? Were they Neanderthals? I had to turn this crap off when a little boy's cat got stuck in a pit in a cave and then the boy was like, "I'll be back to help you later!" (!!!) and then he left the cat in the hole OVERNIGHT and when he went to rescue him in the morning it was dead. What? Take a hike RETURN OF DRACULA, you suck.

Five Black and White Horror Flicks Perfect for Halloween

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It doesn't quite feel like Halloween unless I get some black-and-white films in my diet. I know y'all know to check out the classic UNIVERSAL stuff that includes all the usual suspects (FRANKENSTEIN, WOLF MAN, THE MUMMY, et al.) and I know you've heard me harp on and on about supernatural favorites like THE HAUNTING, THE INNOCENTS, BURN, WITCH, BURN, CURSE OF THE DEMON, THE UNINVITED and HORROR HOTEL. And certainly you know enough to salute any and everything within a seven mile radius of the name VAL LEWTON (GHOST SHIP, 7TH VICTIM, CAT PEOPLE and assorted kin) but here are five more glorious and nutritious mood setting B&W features that deserve a tip of the pointy witch's hat this time of year!

THE UNDYING MONSTER (1942)

I'll never forget the fine night I fell asleep in front of the TV and woke up to this gem and was instantly mesmerized. Somehow this one is known as a tag along B-flick but it could have fooled me with its incredible atmosphere and memorable visual flair (which includes a smoke-framed POV shot from within a fireplace). There's a gloomy, fog-dipped mansion on a seaside cliff (with massive stain glass windows), an ancient family curse involving a ferocious fuzzy beast and wall-to-wall off-beat characters trying to figure it all out. My only complaint is that it's too short!

ARSENIC & OLD LACE (1944)

This FRANK CAPRA flick based on the popular stage play is a well-known classic of course but I don't think we've mentioned it enough around here. CARY GRANT should be more than enough to charm you into checking it out but if horror fans require more: it includes plenty of murder and mayhem; it takes place on a Halloween day littered with swirling dead leaves; and it features PETER LORRE and RAYMOND MASSEY doing a fine impression of BORIS KARLOFF, his costar in another B&W necessity, JAMES WHALE's THE OLD DARK HOUSE.

THE WOMAN WHO CAME BACK (1945)

Please don't act like you've seen enough movies starring THE BAD SEED's momma NANCY KELLY because you know you haven't. Here she stars as a lady who returns to her hometown after surviving an incredible bus accident (the special effect showing a toy bus falling over a miniature cliff is adorable) and begins to suspect that thanks to her witch hunting ancestor, she's living under a witch's curse and may be possessed by a dead witch herself. I certainly could do without the tacked on ending that explains all of the cool stuff we've witnessed away (boo, science!) but otherwise this is one highly entertaining and pleasantly spooky flick.

THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE (1946)

Exactly one year ago today on October 28, 2014, I was singing the praises of this movie so jump back in time and read all about that HERE.

SCREAM OF FEAR (1961)

This is another one we've talked about before (HERE) but I'm bringing it up again because it was just recently finally released on DVD (under the title HAMMER FILMS COLLECTION) thanks to the wonderful and generous folks over at MILL CREEK. I got my copy for less than 5 bucks and it includes four other movies for crying out loud! You can't beat that kids, not even with a broomstick!!!

The Victim (1972)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Ack, can't we slow this October thing down? This weekend is Halloween and I'm not even properly spooked yet unless you include the other night when I had to get up to use the bathroom and I was super worried that I'd have a heart attack if I bumped into that scary plague doctor dude from that creepy Polish viral video.

To be honest, as much as I appreciate everybody's enthusiasm for the holiday, sometimes all the desperate commercialism and pumpkin latte caramel spice crap can dampen my fervor and that's when I need to go old school! In an effort to achieve the desired mood, the other night I realized that I had to find a super rainy movie with lots of howling wind and tons of hoary lightening sound effects. I'm comforted by the fact that nearly every stormy seventies TV offering features the same familiar cracks and crashes. If I'm especially lucky I'll stumble into something that sports the same stock footage of lightening that appears at the beginning of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

Happily I stumbled into the 1972 TV movie THE VICTIM starring ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY and holy crap, EILEEN (BAD SEED, BURNT OFFERINGS) HECKART!!! If you're keeping tabs that's a score, a score and a double score (I probably just lost some of our younger readers just then to whom I say buh-bye). MONTGOMERY plays a lady named Kate who visits her sister unaware that her sister was recently murdered. The killer decides that they might as well kill Kate too and the whole movie is her running around in an empty house in the middle of the night trying to avoid being murdered. It actually has a very similar premise as this Australian movie I just watched called LADY STAY DEAD (1981) but it also reminded me a bit of THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL with its minimalism and limited location.

The ending kinda sucks. I'll be real. It's even a little extra frustrating because it could have been easily saved by one line of dialogue. It sort of just leaves you hanging and even though I can't say it doesn't give you all the information you need, it certainly doesn't emphasize it in a satisfactory manner. But that's just the very end and I can't negate an entire song just because of one weak note at the close. Otherwise, I absolutely dig the mood and music of this baby and felt it hit the spot. Even though I never caught this corny creeper as a kid, everything about it makes me feel like I'm staying up late and braving the danger zone. If you are of a like mind check it out but I'd say wait till late at night and make sure to pretend your computer is a portable television set. It's not at all scary but it will put you in the mood to be scared and that tastes a lot better than cinnamon pumpkin spice gingerbread crap.

Sunday Streaming :: Terror (1978)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I picked up a VHS copy of NORMAN J. WARREN's TERROR a bunch o' years ago and for some reason, I never gave it a spin. The other night I finally decided to dust it off and give it a looksee and just when it was starting to get good, the darn thing konked out and went on the fritz! I know that sounds tragic but don't worry, there is a happy ending because that very same movie is contained on a compilation DVD I own from MILL CREEK called GOREHOUSE GREATS!

So I put the DVD in and instantly realized that I should have been watching it in the first place because the picture was all of the sudden sharp and lovely. Anyway, I just want to congratulate myself for learning the obvious lesson that sometimes VHS looks like crap and can't be trusted even though I know I'm destined to forget that lesson within a few days.

Also let me say that TERROR (1978) is not such a great movie. I think it's about a witch's curse that ruins things for random people and there's some possession business taking place but mostly I had little idea what was going on (although maybe I should blame my cough medicine for that). I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt anyway because I was never bored and it looked pretty. The general vibe is agreeable and the death scenes stand out. It's like there's about a half dozen really cool horror vignettes that, taken in separately, really work but when they're strung together as a whole, they turn into a muddled mess. In fact, it left me thinking that if you just ripped out the annoyingly foggy plot, you'd be left with one awesome trailer and so I Googled that notion and yep, I was right, the trailer is fantastic…

But this is Sunday Streaming so I'm leaving you with the whole movie. Like I said, it doesn't all make sense or gel together but if you enjoy late-seventies supernatural horror mixed with some slasher elements, it's well worth checking out. There's a stalking scene mid-way through (featuring the guy who played Chewy McWookie in STAR WARS) that doesn't exactly pan out but is pretty nifty while it lasts and the climax, which apparently was inspired by the splashy, fluorescent visuals in SUSPIRIA is at least kind to your peepers even if it ends up feeling kind of detached and incidental. Oh, and there's some funny bits in this flick too involving the making of a trashy movie and wait, wasn't there a flying car too? Hmmm, maybe I liked it even better than I think I did. Yep, I guess so. It's kinda the perfect thing to watch from bed when you are high on cold medicine.

Rob Zombie's Halloween 3

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It's that time of year when I tend to watch every movie in the HALLOWEEN series and yes, that does include ROB ZOMBIE's 2007 stab and especially its profound 2009 sequel. With the news announced that the next HALLOWEEN installment will be a direct continuation of 1981's HALLOWEEN II, I guess I'll have to get used to the fact that I won't be seeing ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN 3 anytime soon.

That's just what you naysayers would like, isn't it? Well, it just so happens that I am not bound to the laws of your puny reality and in fact, I have already carved out my own dimension in which ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN 3 does indeed exist! What's more, it's standing right there under your pointy nose and it just happens to be called THE LORDS OF SALEM! You heard that right, from this day forth I'm just going to watch TLOS as if it were a very loose remake of H3:SOTW. Go ahead, try and sue me! No professional lawyer in his or her right mind would take your case! To be on the safe side though, let's look at the mountains of spurious evidence I've haphazardly compiled. Shall we?

Let's get the most obvious similarity out of the way first and that similarity is the overall lack of similarity! LORDS OF SALEM is to ROB ZOMBIE's two back-to-back HALLOWEEN films as H3: SEASON OF THE WITCH is to the original HALLOWEEN films in that they both feature a completely different storyline. Not for nothing, both movies directly focus on witchcraft and the pestilential use of black magic. And hey look… TLOS and SOTW have only one letter that differentiates them in the initials of their respective titles too! That probably doesn't seem like a big deal but when it comes to witchcraft, stuff like that matters. I think.

*Both films feature an actress who appeared in the first two installments (alive in the first, dead in the second) now playing a completely different role and sporting a hairstyle I'm not entirely on board with.

*HALLOWEEN 3 famously features a song that has the power to corrupt and destroy (The Silver Shamrock jingle) and yep, that's a pivotal part of TLOS too.

*Yikes! Silent, robot-like henchmen are seen roaming about!

*Look at these three darling ladies! They look harmless enough but that's not the case! They are wearing masks, so to speak, and should not be trusted!

Stand warned, troikas are powerful and the most powerful troikas fit a somewhat particular design. There is the grounding mother/boss (witch) symbolizing birth, there is the more jovial prankster (pumpkin) representing life and the final is the darkest, death (skull) representing conflict, closure and the proverbial kicking of the bucket. These three can be found in the duplicitous witches in TLOS and they appear in baser forms as H3's iconic Silver Shamrock masks. Here are some other examples:

(In some cases there may be overlapping characteristics here and there but you get the idea.)

It is important to note that in both the case of SEASON OF THE WITCH and THE LORDS OF SALEM, the nefarious plan to utilize witchcraft to trigger devastation can be deemed successful and that our heroes' attempts to alter the outcome are for naught. In one flick, the darkness seeps in thanks to a door left open by a nationwide addiction to consumerism and in the other, a more personal rekindled drug addiction is to blame… but what's the difference when the end result is pretty much the same?

Still not convinced? Neither am I! Oh well! What can I say; I enjoy a facetious fan theory every once in a while. I guess my point is that a fellow needs to watch something after they've finished the entire HALLOWEEN series and THE LORDS OF SALEM hits the spot for me because….witches! You can't do Halloween without witches! Nope, there's no replacing the one of a kind insanity-mobile that is H3: SOTW but I still hold strong to the belief that two films concerning witches scheming to cause mayhem on a massive scale can stand side by side in harmony! If witches have taught us anything it's that there's strength in numbers!