kindertrauma

Tag: General Horror

Five More Underrated Ghost Movies (For X-mas)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

2011’s THE AWAKENING is a ghostly stunner that stars the ever reliable Rebecca Hall (also splended in 2020's NIGHT HOUSE) and was at least partially written by Stephen Volk the brains behind 1992’s essential made for TV mind-screw GHOST WATCH. The year is 1921 and hard nosed proto ghostbuster Florence Cathcart (Hall) is summoned to a boy’s boarding school thought to be haunted. An orphan herself, struggling with the memory of a fiancé who passed away, Cathcart gains a confidant and love interest in the injured and enigmatic Robert Mallory (Dominic West). The two eventually figure out that all of the ghostly activity can be summed up as the result of a child’s prank but just as she is preparing to pack up and go home everything in her world is turned on its head (and then some). This is a great looking movie with some very memorable visuals and more than a few outstanding performances. Anyone who enjoys a classic approach to haunting tales should seek it out ASAP (more HERE)

IN 2005’s FRAGILE, Calista Flockhart (I know we all want to forget ALLY McBEAL but she’s actually good in this) plays nurse Amy Nicholls who has recently started working the night shift at an unnervingly grim children's hospital that is in the midst of packing up and closing down. The children speak of a ghostly presence that lingers on the abandoned second floor named Charlotte who is creepily described as a "mechanical" girl. By all appearances this spirit seems to be raging against being left behind and has taken to smashing bones and throwing people out windows. Of course, nothing is as it seems, there is a mystery that must be solved and Amy must separate the hospital's woeful history from the guilty baggage she brought with her. Fragile goes to some seriously dank, dark and convincingly eerie, seriously scary places and like all the best ghost stories it has a tragic heart that plays with your sympathies as much as your fears. Directed by the hugely talented Jaume Balaquero who delivered the horrifying adaptation of Ramsey Campbell's THE NAMELESS, the flawed but atmospheric DARKNESS and the instant classic [REC] (Full review HERE).

2007’s WIND CHILL finds two young college students (Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes who remain nameless throughout) who only vaguely know sharing a car ride to their respective homes for Christmas vacation. Strange behavior and paranoia eventually infest the journey and when the car crashes and the couple find themselves trapped in the middle of nowhere during a blinding storm, things get spooky. It’s admittedly refreshing to experience a ghostly tale that doesn’t utilize the old dark house setting and something about the idea of being lost and not being able to even clearly see a couple feet in front of you is genuinely unnerving. The resolution (or lack there of) may be too murky and undefined for some but I found the lack of definition sort of the whole eerie, dream-like point.

2016’s WE GO ON is from the same folks (Jesse Holland and Andy Mitton) who delivered the challenging YELLOWBRICKROAD (2010), It’s a wonderful ghost story that remarkably pushes the ancient art form into spaces I have never seen it occupy before. It's all about the pluses and minuses in believing in the great beyond and it pushes the idea that the further you step into the unknown the more you may find your safe seat of sanity dissolving in this plane. WE GO ON features the immensely talented Annette O'Toole (CAT PEOPLE) who deserves accolades and a half for her flawless work here. She's so darn good and she's in some fine company; Clark Freeman and Laura Heisler who were both in YELLOWBRICKROAD are welcome returners and as if we could dare ask for more, living legend character actor John (GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH) Glover is on hand to steal a few scenes too. If you prefer the chilly, cerebral, slow boil side of the horror bed you should tuck yourself into WE GO ON if you can track it down. It has so much more to offer than scares, it's the type of horror movie that keeps you up at night trying to close the doors it opened in your head.

2011’s found footage horror film GRAVE ENCOUNTERS works as a clever parody of your typical paranormal ghost hunting show. There's a phony shit shoveling psychic and an amusing scene where the host pays off a gardener to lie through his teeth about his experiences. The "Grave Encounters" crew (who stand in dramatic, ready-for-action poses) are filming their sixth episode in an abandoned mental hospital that they find out is indeed seriously haunted. What ensues, though never fully believable, is so fun and gleefully spooky that you'll feel like a kid running through a neighborhood haunted-house on Halloween. You know it's not real, but you can't help getting into the frenetic spirit anyway. Not only are the shock scares surprisingly effective, but this movie also plays with your mind pretty good too. The asylum turns into a trippy maze of sorts and things get eerily surreal and the feeling of being trapped is palpable. The authentic setting, not unlike the one employed in SESSION 9 is an indisputably unnerving place but unlike many films of its ilk the cast is likable enough that your stay in this maddening place will be if not peasant, than at least tolerable (more HERE).

Five Underrated Ghost Movies (For Christmas)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I’ve always been envious of the British tradition of sharing ghost stories around Christmastime and lament that America never took up the custom as well. I guess that in the states ghostly happenings got regulated to the Halloween holiday so that Christmas could focus on truly frightening things like family dysfunction, rampant consumerism and celebrating Santa’s penchant for home break-ins and animal enslavement. The fact is (hey, I googled it) Christmas, much like Halloween has Celtic origins and both hinge on the belief that on specific days the veil between the living and the dead is especially flimsy. So why don’t we kick that snitching elf right off the shelf and focus on the chillier side of the holiday season? Here are five ghostly movies that you should check out if you haven’t…

1989’s aptly titled THE FORGOTTEN ONE is a haunter that somehow slipped through the cracks even though it boasts an impressive rock solid performance from horror royalty Terry (the 1987 classic THE STEPFATHER, 1988's hidden gem PIN) O’Quinn. Mourning his recently deceased wife, author Bob Anderson (O’Quinn) moves into a lovely Victorian house and slowly becomes dreadfully aware that the joint already has an inhabitant in the form of a voluptuous ghost (THE HOWLING's vixen Elisabeth Brooks) with an ample grudge. Skeptical love interest/neighbor Barbara (the always welcome Kristy McNichol of WHITE DOG ('82) and DREAM LOVER ('86)) tries her best to be supportive (ya gotta love a gal that helps you dispose of a corpse) but soon fears her potential beau has flipped his lid. Things get a bit convoluted in the climax thanks to time traveling doppelgängers and I certainly could have done without a superfluous depiction of a kitten’s death (c’mon, man! I'm trying to relax here! ) but the initial build up is surprisingly creepy (in fact, early encounters with the spirit are genuinely unnerving) and the three central performances are worth it alone.

In THE SKEPTIC (2009) Tim Daly (of the excellent Stephen King miniseries STORM OF THE CENTURY) plays Bryan Becket, the title skeptic who inherits a most impressive old house from an Aunt who has kicked the bucket. Bryan is a grounded, rational lawyer who is proud of the fact that he believes in nothing. You won't be surprised to learn that he ends up having to reevaluate his worldview when once in the house he experiences what appears to be ghostly phenomenon. An eccentric psychic named Cassie (Zoe Saldana of 2014’s ROSEMARY’S BABY remake) convinces Bryan to let her stay in the place too and together they learn that it's Bryan himself who is haunted by a dark past (Full review HERE).

Directed by Lewis Gilbert (who I’m indebted to for 1983’s EDUCATING RITA) and based on a book by James Herbert (who I’m indebted to for 1982’s DEADLY EYES and its army of dachshunds dressed as rats) 1995’s THE HAUNTED features Aidan Quinn ( shout out to 84's RECKLESS) as professor David Ash who lives to debunk the paranormal funk and is notorious for pointing out the strings that make phony baloney ghosties float. That is until one day when he is persuaded to travel to a palatial estate to prove the joint’s weird occurrences are likely more the result of a frantic nanny’s senility than anything otherworldly. There he meets pretty Christina (Kate Beckinsale of the UNDERWORLD franchise) who clearly has a thing for him and her two eccentric brothers (Anthony Andrews & Alex Lowe) who clearly don’t. We’re surely in familiar territory for most of the film’s runtime (that’s not necessarily a bad thing) but there’s a few tricks up this flick’s sleeve than one might guess. Its fiery conclusion, though no longer the shocking revelation it once was, is still a rug pull that lingers in the mind.

Hey, I was just talking about 2000’s spooker BELIEVE (over HERE) and now I am singing it’s praises once again. This meek yet affable PG rated adolescent ghost tale may not provide the most frightening scares but it’s well shot, well meaning and it consistently entertains. It’s sorta like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys meet THE LADY IN WHITE (1988) and it features two of my favorite Canadians HOUSE OF WAX’s Elisha Cuthburt and the legendary Andrea Martin of BLACK CHRISTMAS (’74) fame.

1944’s CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE is well honored classic and hardly underrated but I’m going to include it here because I don’t see it mentioned enough when discussing supernatural Christmas films. Audiences expecting more of the same in this sequel to Jacques Tourneur’s psychosexual CAT PEOPLE (’42) were in for a bit of a surprise as rather than featuring feline transformations it centers on Amy (Ann Carter) the young daughter of the first film’s surviving couple (Kent Smith (also excellent in 46's THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE and Jane Randolph) who befriends the ghost of her father’s troubled first wife Irena (Simone Simon), much to her parents chagrin. The debut film directed by the great Robert Wise (who delivered arguably the greatest haunted house movie of all time, 1963’s THE HAUNTING), this thoughtful rumination on the plights and terrors of childhood is pure visual poetry. When poor Amy isn’t dealing with her less than supportive parents she must contend with a sinister spinster, a frightening old house, alienation from her classmates and even the headless horseman (more HERE)!

BONUS FLICK: All this ghost talk has gotten me pining for my yearly watch of 1982’s GHOST STORY which is based on what I would say is my favorite horror novel of all time of the same name by the late great Peter Straub. Now, this epic phantasmagorical book certainly would be much better served with a miniseries treatment but the existing film has got a great cast, gorgeous effects (thanks to legends Dick Smith providing jaw dropping make-up and Albert Whitlock delivering incredible matte paintings) and the overall bleak, chilling small town atmosphere is truly remarkable. A group of elderly men (the likes of Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and THE FOG ('80)’s grumpy John Houseman) who call themselves “The Chowder Society” gather together to frighten each other with terrifying tales of the supernatural but the scariest story of them all involves a secret from their own past that involves a beautiful woman named Alma (an off the charts ethereal Alice Krige) who just happens to be back from the dead to settle a long standing score. Put it in my veins (and haunt HERE for more)!

Recently Viewed: Smile 2, The Pack, Oddity, Mr. Crocket, Heretic and Panic in Year Zero

Posted on By unkle lancifer

SMILE 2 (2024) is a confident slam dunk of a sequel written and directed by Parker Finn who skillfully expands upon the trippy paranoid universe he created in 2022’s SMILE and its precursor short film LAURA HASN’T SLEPT (2020). It’s a well crafted continuation that underlines and solidifies the power of the earlier entry while broadening its scope and still gifting the viewer with an entirely fresh and unexpected experience. Following the brutal demise of the previous films’ lone survivor SMILE 2’s mysterious crazy-making death curse attaches itself to a young celebrity pop star named Skye Riley (spunky triple threat Naomi Scott). Riley is a bit of a Lady Gaga wannabe who in pure moralistic cautionary tale fashion procures the demonic hot-potato grimace hex by attempting to purchase drugs (directly in opposition to her her current sobriety reliant comeback). Who can blame her though? Her dance routines are elaborate and she severely injured her spine in a drunken car accident that took the life of her famous actor boyfriend Paul Hudson (slyly cast Ray Nicholson, Jack Nicholson’s son who certainly has epic creepy smile etched into his DNA). Many compare the SMILE set-up to the invisible menace in IT FOLLOWS and it’s easy to see why but it also favors the FINAL DESTINATION franchise in its format, various BODY SNATCHER flicks in its overall anthropophobia and don’t mind me, I also get strong THE BOOGEY MAN (’80) vibes as well. That said, SMILE 2 kicks the insanity can further down the road than ever before with innovative maniac-mob dance hallucinations, teeth grinding gore, and a THE SUBSTANCE-esque late in the game monster reveal (not to mention it also features the ever reliable Rosemarie DeWitt playing Skye’s overbearingly concerned mom-ager). It’s a rare blessing to come across a sequel that perfectly compliments its previous installment without stepping on any toes and this worthy wonder is such a generous second helping it even provides its own toe-tapping banger-heavy dance-pop soundtrack.

Based on a novel by David Fischer, 1977’s treat-worthy THE PACK is a surprisingly suspenseful animal attack horror thriller helmed by Robert Clouse who is better known for the martial arts classic ENTER THE DRAGON (’75) and the unforgettable quirk bomb that is GYMKATA (’85). WALKING TALL (’73)’s lumbering Joe Don Baker is Jerry, a regular guy in the process of moving his boring family to isolated Seal Island (Actually, Bodega Bay California, the recognizable filming location for both THE BIRDS (’63) and THE FOG (’80)) not knowing that a bunch of despicable slobs have abandoned their pet dogs there and that said canines are so starved for Alpo they have assembled into a doggy mob who live in an abandoned barn and are not above hunting for human flesh when hangry. Even though this predicament could be easily fixed by I don’t know… FEEDING THE DOGS, Jerry and a rag tag crew of mostly unlikable local residents exasperate matters further at every turn and continuously stumble into the chomped up fates they so rightfully deserve. As you may have guessed I am team dog all the way and thoroughly enjoyed watching this furry horde chomp the humans clods into kibble. I also loved the mostly dark, rainy weather, the cozy barricaded homestead on display and was also very impressed with how the various dogs were presented with distinct personalities ranging from menacing to heroic to heartbreaking. Some of the animal in peril scenes got a bit iffy for yours truly but I’m going to take the Humane Society at their word that the film was heavily monitored and even assume that all the adorable good boys and girls involved had a great time filming it.

Damian McCarthy’s ODDITY is about a blind psychic shopkeeper (Gwilym Lee, excelling in a duel role) who specializes in cursed objects (a’la FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES) who gifts a notably horrifying looking mannequin (think PIN (’89) meets THE FEAR (‘95) to her brother in law and his obvious mistress who are clearly responsible for her twin sisters death in some capacity. ODDITY has atmosphere to burn, a supremely potent supernatural vibe, haunting, alarming visuals, superior performances and a remarkable, innovative score. Sadly, the pedestrian story is basically the same plot as just about every episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT and is less than convincing when dealing with basic human nature (what lunatic would even allow such a mannequin intheir home?). Overall it’s genuinely spooky but prepare to stifle your common sense for best results.

MR. CROCKET was a kid’s show in the nineties that was sort of like Mr. ROGERS meets BARNEY meets Bill Cosby’s PICTURE PAGES meets PEE WEE”S PLAYHOUSE but with a palatable for modern audiences heavy dollop of FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S and your standard faux-show creepy pasta mixed in. You know I’m all about the marriage of cute and creepy and Brandon Espy’s Hulu original (based on his short film of the same name) consistently delivers on an aesthetic level offering deliciously gory old school practical effects along with its cartoon-y death-furries, colorful off-kilter settings and amusing animated inserts. Mr. Crocket himself (as excellently portrayed by Elvis Nolasco) is a fun and Freddy-esque trickster demon who can bend reality at will and is laudably committed to avenging his own traumas and punishing those who basically line up and beg to die. On paper, I should be sitting snuggly right inside of Crocket’s nerdy nostalgia dipped pocket but I have to say something just doesn’t gel here. The overall movie suffers from the human characters being less dimensional than the puppets and never sufficiently anchoring things with a believable reality to contaminate and warp. It’s still offers an amusing enough time but somehow even with all the right ingredients baked in, there’s magic missing and its less than the sum of its intriguing parts.

In HERETIC, two young Mormon women (Sophie Thatcher & Chloe East) go door to door on a stormy day attempting to recruit new followers. Any guardian angels they might have are sleeping on the job when they hit the doorstep of Mr. Reed (Hugh Grant) who entices them indoors with half baked lies involving blueberry pie and a wife who is non-existent. What follows is a philosophical battle of wits that involves religion, board games and pop music plagiarism and culminates in the revelation that the faithful ladies are trapped with a madman with a spiritual axe to grind. Scott Beck and Bryan Woods’ limited setting psychological thriller's strongest selling point is the above par acting of its three leads. Grant has grown more credible in his curmudgeon-fueled later years and both Thatcher and East are worthy and charismatic sparring partners. There are more than a few unexpected twists and turns to this thoughtful Rubik’s cube of a film but viewer’s enjoyment will surely hinge on their tolerance for the talky subject matter that can be at times fascinating and at other times tedious. This is more of a rainy Sunday afternoon creeper than a rousing nail biter and I’m not sure I even buy its premise (both missionaries seem way too bright to even get into this mess in the first place) but in my book, the performances alone keep things consistently interesting.

The late great Ray Milland (Oscar winner for THE LOST WEEKEND (’45) and hilariously brilliant in personal favorite THE ATTIC (’80)) directs and stars in 1962's PANIC IN YEAR ZERO, a super ahead of its time apocalyptic road movie. Milland is Harry Baldwin a suburban everyman who takes his family (which includes wife Ann (THE ASPHALT JUNGLE’s Jean Hagen), daughter Karen (SPIDER BABY’s Mary Mitchel) and a young Frankie Avalon (GREASE) as son Rick on a fishing trip in their small camper. The trip gets off to a stinky start when they witness worrisome bright flashes and then a much more worrisome mushroom cloud over Los Angeles thanks to somebody dropping an atomic bomb. Traffic is too clogged to go back and save granny (sorry!) so the clan figures it’s best to continue to their cabin in the wilderness destination where they might observe the end of civilization from a distance. As you can imagine, the Baldwins journey is is filled with many a hardship including still more lamentable traffic, untimely price gouging on gas, roving rapist hooligans and the ever present threat of radiation sickness. Not a great fishing trip at all but at least they brought a suddenly very useful rifle! This movie is dark, gritty and has little faith in humanity and suits my pessimistic nature just fine. My only regret is that I wasn’t lucky enough to catch it on late night TV as a kid because it definitely would have been a go-to favorite for me over the years.

Terrifier 3

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I’d like to be able to tell you that TERRIFIER 3 is not quite my cup of tea but then I went and slurped that putrid cup of tea down and thoroughly enjoyed it so I can’t. I respected the first two gore-happy TERRIFIER flicks that featured Art the clown (portrayed by David Howard Thornton whose hell-mime performance is beyond reproach) as decent enough edgy diversions (so too writer/director Damien Leone’s anthology debut ALL HOLLOWS EVE (2013) in which Art is portrayed by Mike Giannelli) but this new, more potent outing gave me something that I won’t forget too soon. Part of the reason it clobbered me so is because it’s mostly set on Christmas (I’m an Xmas horror fanatic) but the main weight of its body slam on me was due to the fact that I saw it in a packed theater and the audience’s excited, nearly giddy trepidation was palpable. Well, it turned out Leone’s sicko manifesto made me feel unsafe and challenged for its entire runtime which brought me fondly back to my earliest days of watching forbidden horror on VHS and sneaking into theaters as a kid to behold repulsions I wasn’t sure I could endure. BTW, I was kinda mortified (though not too surprised) that a couple brought their children with them to this unrated yuletide bloodbath. The oldest child couldn’t have been more than ten! I thought I was surely privy to a ground zero kindertrauma event and that the kids would drop like flies fleeing to the nearest exit (I at that age surely would have, I barely made it through JAWS) but when this cinematic onslaught of entrails completed, the entire family (and their last name wasn’t ADAMS) stood up and clapped while laughing maniacally. It was both a relief and more than a little bit disturbing.

If TERRIFIER 3 had only physical violence to offer I probably wouldn’t have been that effected (this was illustrated to me by the fact that I was more distraught about a rat being injured than any human (you know how I roll)). Beyond the wince inducing physical mayhem, Leone conjures an astonishing thick brew of truly malevolent deranged delirium (and it’s all deliciously dunked in clashing grainy and sparkling hues reminiscent of CHRISTMAS EVIL (’80) and SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (’84)). I was honestly more taken aback and unnerved on a bad mojo level by Art’s corpse-y female cohort’s lipless grimace and the absolutely gruesome dilapidated home the rotting duo hibernate in than almost anything else. A tone is set early on (strangely enough by Art’s squirming about on its on accord, decapitated head) that exactly zero rules apply and the game board could be mercilessly knocked off the table and stomped on (like a poor rat) at any time. It really feels like a no holds barred, punk as hell, assault on normalcy in general that is bizarrely equally as liberating as it is psychologically assaulting (it’s probably for the best that poor misguided (but well-meaning) Siskel and Ebert did not live to see this day but it’s fun to imagine their jaws dropping through the cloud floor of heaven anyway). Will I ever watch this demented chaos grenade again? At first I thought definitely not, but then I remembered those seedy, unflinching mad dog dives into depravity from my youth (looking mostly at you MANIAC (’80), NIGHTMARE (’81) (which this film especially mirrors in its mad eeriness) and PIECES (’82)) that over the years morphed into adorable naughty puppies in my mind and then I wasn't so sure (who am I kidding? I’ll probably watch it every Christmas but sadly alone because there’s no way Aunt John could ever withstand it; dude tapped out of TURISTAS ('06)). I’m not saying this is the finest of film-making (Even at two hours, it still cheats a shortcut to its climax) but its pure audacity, refreshing transgressive nature and clear love of its intended audience shine brightly. One thing is for sure, like it or not, Art the clown is here to stay. Hey, every generation deserves its own horror icons and if earlier generations find them appalling, amoral or in just plain bad taste, well, that’s all the better!

Apartment 7A, Salem's Lot & It's What's Inside

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Natalie Erika James (who delivered 2020’s impressively depressing RELIC)’s recent ROSEMARY’S BABY prequel APARTMENT 7A is commendably detailed and admirably respectful of its source material yet it lacks any punchy impact and for every fine, nuanced acting performance there’s a regrettably awkward dance number. As a huge fan of Ira Levin’s novel and Roman Polanski’s film adaptation, I have to admit it kept me reasonably entertained by stuffing me to the gills with fan pandering Easter eggs throughout but unfortunately its inability to bring anything new to the table ultimately makes it hit more like an aperitif than a satisfying meal. An unrecognizable Julia Garner (WE ARE WHAT WE ARE, THE LAST EXORCISM PART II) is Terry Gionoffrio a would be Broadway star who falls victim to the same Satanic cult that would soon torment Rosemary Woodhouse in the classic tale (this minor character appears briefly in both the OG book and film, she’s the gal who Rosemary meets in the laundry room who eventually jumps to her death out of a window of the Bramford building (portrayed by the legendary Dakota) and inadvertently introduces Rosemary to the adorable yet diabolical Castevets. Frankly, the character doesn’t quite sync up with her previous incarnation but I’m willing to blame her tannis root necklace for any inconsistencies).

Something tells me I might be a little more generous with this harmless companion piece (It’s certainly less egregious than say, the 1976 made for TV sequel LOOK WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY’S BABY, Ira Levin’s own wanting literary follow-up SON OF ROSEMARY and the convoluted rehash miniseries from 2014 starring Zoe Saldana) if only earlier this year we hadn’t been gifted the remarkable on every level prequel THE FIRST OMEN. As it stands, I’m going to give this one a pass for housing the great Dianne Wiest’s interpretation of Minnie Castevets as it’s worth the price of admission alone (Kevn McNally as Roman is no slouch either). I wish this seemingly sincere attempt had the capacity/audacity to knock it out of the park, it almost seemed like it might for a while, but I left it feeling like the highest point of excitement it delivered for yours truly Involved the late in the game appearance of the same painting of a burning church that ominously hung in the Castevet’s apartment in the original. Sure it had me excitedly pointing at the TV but I’m thinking in retrospect that I deserved richer revelations.

As much as I worship Tobe Hooper’s vividly traumatizing 1979 miniseries based on Stephen KIng’s Classic (and my personal favorite) novel SALEM’S LOT (I wouldn’t kick the 2004 re-do starring Rob Lowe out of bed for eating crackers either), I have no qualms about a fresh take on the endlessly viable material. The fact that it was announced that a new vision would be helmed by Gary Dauberman whose horror credits include writing the screenplay for 2017’s successful adaption of King’s IT and directing the spooky romp ANNABELLE COMES HOME had me about as optimistic as I could get about such a thing. Ultimately, on many fronts, Dauberman delivered; the casting is top notch, the seventies setting is splendid, the counterintuitive crispy brightness adds a level of freshness, it successfully develops its own visual style (seemingly influenced by Mike Flanagan’s oeuvre and Carpenter’s THE FOG), it offers a brand new, unpredictable climax (involving a Drive-in theater no less) and there is a clear overall understanding of which set pieces are most potent. Sadly, its artistry is frequently betrayed by its format as wild, careless pruning inflicts this by rights, epic tale. It’s almost like watching a Viewmaster version of the film as grand, impressive scenes click by with an absence of connective tissue and characters are rushed along with the patience of attention deficit speed dating.

I can understand the greedy urge to lessen the runtime to get more showings out of a theatrical release but once this flick was bound for cable someone really should have cared enough to loosen its corset (especially considering its been said that the main reason it premiered on cable rather than in theaters was due to a desperate need for content; I’m no math wiz but a longer runtime would have meant even MORE content). Now I’m hearing that an entire opening sequence was filmed involving hero Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman, who like the rest of the cast is quite good) as a child being traumatized in the Marsten House (which looks incredible here constantly looming over the entire town) and my mind reels at just how much that springboard scene would have added to the film in regards to Mears’ motivation and the town’s history in general. I truly hope at some point we get to see exactly what the director fully intended (apparently, more than an entire hour was excised) because what’s present intrigues and I hate to see such an earnest offering undeservedly hobbled (a MISERY reference seemed appropriate). That said, I’d say this condensed version is still worth a watch due to its unique style and its clawed handful of effective scares but it’s quite clear it could have had much more bite if it was allotted the properly sized real estate its grand source material unquestionably deserves.

Hey, maybe I can curb my expectations by watching something original rather than relying on prequels, sequels and remakes! IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE sorta fits the bill although I suppose it could be argued that nothing new is under the sun and this body-switching bonanza could just as easily be titled FREAKY FRIDAY PART 12 (sorry, I refuse to do an ELECTRIC BOOGALOO joke). A bunch of attractive yet charm deficient post college couples gather at another isolated estate to flirt, quarrel and dredge up past grudges (are we sure this is original?) before a wedding. Everything goes horribly awry when a harmless game of body switching made possible by a smuggled-in, state of the art device ( just go with it) muddies waters and puts your truly's ability to remember character’s names to the ultimate test (wish I brought a pad and paper!). Just when you think things could not get worse, two hapless attendees fall to their deaths resulting in a impromptu contentious game of “musical chairs” except with bodies that is made even more stressful by the threat of cops on their way to surely muck up things further (as they do). Wait a minute, this movie is actually really great once you get used to it! I admit I was about to turn it off when I realized it would require me using dusty parts of my brain but after maneuvering past a few fuzzy curves, and getting a handle on the kindly markers set in place (thankfully the young folk often wear name tag Polaroids of their true selves or are filmed in red when their real identities are in play) I was good to go. I’m happy to say this movie really can lay claim to being its own wild beast, sports many a clever camera trick and is pretty damn innovative all around. I’m even going to go so far as to say it’s genuinely funny and clever as hell! I’m glad I didn’t jump ship after all, and now I’ve even got that strange itch to watch it again! Huh, whatdoyaknow, I’m now highly interested in whatever writer/directer Greg Jardin does next! Bravo, sir! You won this old, long-COVID suffering, curmudgeon over!

I Saw The TV Glow & Speak No Evil

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A24’s trailer for Jane (WE’RE ALL GOING TO THE WORLD’S FAIR) Schoenbrun’s I SAW THE TV GLOW had me all prepared for an IT FOLLOWS-esque suburban curse flick crammed into a Candle Cove repressed memory nineties nostalgia taco shell. While there certainly are sharp slivers of horror spiking this poetic, fluorescent fish aquarium-toned ode to outsiders and their dependence on media for a social life, it’s more of a coming of age character study than anything else (albeit a mighty surreal one). Owen (Justin Smith who I recognized from the video game THE QUARRY) is a cautious wraith-like teenager who can’t seem to materialize enough to cast a shadow at home or at school. He eventually meets a slightly older gal named Maddy (Bridgette Lundy Payne) who indoctrinates him into the comfy world of obsessive serial television fandom and the buffering delights of wrapping yourself in the toasty warm blanket of dissociation. Maddy’s go-to trap door escape from reality is “The Pink Opaque” a young adult dark fantasy series complete with monster of the week episodes and a “Big Bad” named Mr. Melancholy (who looks like a still from 1902’s A TRIP TO THE MOON sans the rocket in the eye). Maddy describes the program as “More real than real life” and I’m in no position to judge her as in the nineties I was known to claim BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER was more important to me than my actual life (I no longer think that but must admit I was much happier when I did).

Over the preceding years, both Owen and Maddie are haunted by their connection to the show and struggle to understand the ever fuzzy (and possibly adjustable) line between fantasy and reality. Although much of the journey depicted is frustratingly vague, willfully muddled and downright mumbly at times, it’s hard not to feel sympathy for these characters who find it easier to relate to fictional beings on a television screen than the abrasive clods that surround them in life (Fred Durst is Owen’s step dad – you know that can’t be easy). Sure, I’m still slightly disappointed I didn’t get my (wrongfully assumed) scarefest on but I’m glad I caught this earnest tribute to square pegs (another great TV show) and the art that nurtures them when no-one else will. One scene that I found particularly poignant has Owen catching up with his beloved program decades later only to discover that age has not been kind and what once seemed profound now seems prosaic and what was once scary is now laughably lame. We’ve all been there (but let it be known that BUFFY still rules).

James (of the soul devouring EDEN LAKE) Watkin’s SPEAK NO EVIL is a superior thriller (and remake of a 2022 Danish film) that boasts stellar performances and hearkens back to the “Blank From Hell” suspense films that elbowed horror flicks to the side during the late eighties/early nineties (I’m thinking their heyday blossoms with FATAL ATTRACTION and wilts with THE TEMP). In this case, James McAvoy (who has proven his psycho chomps and then some in SPLIT & GLASS and should really play Jack Torrance some day) is Paddy, a host from hell who along with his hippy-ish spouse Ciara (STOPMOTION’s Aisling Franciosi) and socially stunted (with good reason) son Ant (Dan Hough) welcome the far too trusting Dalton family (BLACK MIRROR: San Junipero’s Mackenzie Davis as borderline unfaithful wife Louise, Scoot McNair (MONSTERS) as ineffectual husband Ben and Alix West Lefler as neurotic preteen Agnes) to spend the weekend in their gorgeous yet sorta slummy farmhouse in the Italian countryside (BTW, I thankfully never have to worry about the incidents depicted here befalling myself as the only thing I hate more than traveling is staying in someone else’s home overnight and I therefore have made a pact with myself never to do either again if at all possible).

The getaway gets off to an uncomfortable start as Paddy who knows very well that Louise is a vegetarian, tries to force feed her a duck he roasted after telling tales of the fowl's remarkable spirit. From there things get worse and worse as personality clashes pile up, an unexplained surplus of fancy watches emerges and someone (not me this time) outs themselves as a fan of the Bangles and particularly their #1 charting power ballad "Eternal Flame". The tense situation ultimately comes to a head when the Daltons learn the tastes of their eccentric hosts lean less toward SCHITT’S CREEK and more toward WOLF CREEK (if ya catch my drift). This is a real nail biter with a satisfying conclusion and I enjoyed how there’s never a moment when you think the ultimate showdown will come between the two patriarchs as clearly the formidable Louise is the Dalton’s best chance of survival against the runaway rage train that is Paddy. Unfortunately SPEAK NO EVIL, through no fault of its own, happened to be the first film I watched after the mind-blowing cinematic hand grenade that is THE SUBSTANCE and therefore sometimes felt about as quaint as a Holly Hobbie Chloroforms set in comparison. Nevertheless, this chunk o’ menace still operates like a well tuned STRAW DOGS-esque fret machine and its main pillar performances (McAvoy & Davis, natch) are super compelling, top notch and something to shout about.

The Substance (Plus Special Funhouse)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I just had my underused brain yanked out of my head like a peach pit, dribbled around the room like a basketball and handed back to me like a letter to to Bigfoot without a stamp by THE SUBSTANCE. Oh, how ill prepared I was. Poor me wandered innocently into the movie theater (finally utilizing my free pass) expecting a stylish dark psychological thriller that was vaguely horror adjacent like say, BLACK SWAN but Coralie (THE REVENGE, 2018) Fargeat’s gloriously surreal takedown of engorged ego, body dysmorphia, misogyny, ageism, corporate exploitation and the shallowness of society in general, is a pure capital H, mega-dose of Horror (particularly of the body variety) and the florescent light it’s hiding under its bonkers bushel is that it’s the most eye-poppingly awesome and bizarre special make-up effects extravaganza the cinema has seen since Rob Bottin abandoned horror fans like a deadbeat dad (Seriously, bring goggles with windshield wipers on them in preparation for the film’s climax).

This many layered psyche crusher burrows bone deep and features a truly extraordinary (and Oscar worthy) performance by a fearless Demi Moore (PARASITE, THE SEVENTH SIGN, model for the I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE poster) as a theoretically past her prime celebrity who is prepared to demolish everything (even herself) to be adored with the same ferocity as she was in her youth. Unfortunately, she makes a Faustian bargain with a faceless pharmaceutical company (and apparently David Cronenberg) and ends up with a vampire level addiction doing the REQUIEM FOR A DREAM downward spiral shuffle which never ends well, and always leaves yours truly in an emotional fetal position.

As always, the less you know the better so I’ll say no more, just drop everything that you’re doing and run out and make sure you see what is the greatest and goopiest horror spectacle to come howling down the pike spraying ooze in decades. THE SUBSTANCE is a highly original affair like nothing you’ve seen before but that doesn’t stop it from stoking and rekindling memories of many other fine slices of nightmare cinema. Therefore, since we had no Funhouse this week, here are 15 images for you to identify from 15 movies this bravo-worthy instant classic might pal around with:

Recently Viewed (By Unk)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

In PHANTOM OF DEATH (1988), Michael York (THE ISLAND OF DR MOREAU ’77) portrays Robert Dominic, a concert pianist who suffers from a rare disease that speeds up his aging process and he’s so darn salty about it (who wouldn’t be?) that he goes on a cathartic murder rampage to let off some steam. Fortunately for viewers, he eventually unwisely sets his sights on the daughter of a police inspector played by the one and only Donald Pleasence who goes into full throttle, late phase Dr. Loomis mode which results in much yelling and delicious scene chewing in the beautiful streets of Italy. Although a little slow and meandering at times, this is a must see for Giallo fans directed by the legendary Ruggero Deodato (Cannibal Holocaust) that features a very welcome cameo by my personal hero (he really did me a solid once and I’m forever indebted) the late, great Giovanni Lombardo Radice ( THE GATES OF HELL, HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK, STAGE FRIGHT, CANNIBAL FEROX and plenty more) and a boasts yet another lovely score from the master himself Pino Donaggio (DON’T LOOK NOW, CARRIE, PIRANHA, THE HOWLING, TOURIST TRAP and countless other classics). I have no idea how I’ve lived so long without being aware of this weird gem (I’m still stunned by a scene involving a kid on a park swing with an elderly man’s face) and oddly must thank a local thrift store that hung up its video release movie poster for alerting me of its existence.

To tell you the truth, the sole reason BELIEVE (2000) fell into my orbit is because I’m down for collecting any VHS tape that happens to have a lenticular cover. As it turns out, I rather enjoyed this corny yet sweet nearly G-rated ghost flick mostly due to its winning cast. Benjamin Styles (Ricky Mabe) is sent to live with his uptight grandfather in a small town when his boarding school tires of his constant pranking which typically involves him convincing unsuspecting kids of ghostly happenings with ghoulish props and makeshift special effects. Soon it is he though who is witnessing supernatural phenomenon in the form of a ghostly apparition in a red dress. He elicits a local outcast/love interest (a young Elisha Cuthbert of HOUSE OF WAX (2005) who is absolutely adorable) to be the Nancy Drew to his Hardy boy and solve the mystery of who the phantom may be and why the two kids’ grandfathers (DEAD OF WINTER (’87)’s Jan Rubes and always great Ben Gazzara) have been feuding for years. Well shot and low key spooky, this Canadian production (so Canadian that even BLACK CHRISTMAS legend Andrea Martin shows up to portray a paranormal specialist) is sort of a lighter version of Halloween favorite THE LADY IN WHITE (’88) and is a great choice if you’re in the mood for the softer side of horror.

Yet another teen slasher following faithfully in the meta-horror footsteps of SCREAM (with a heavy dollop of WISHMASTER thrown in) SPLICED (2002) tells the story of angsty young horror fan Mary (Liane Balaban of 2012’s MANIAC) who goes to see a fright flick entitled THE WISHER and lives to regret it and then some. Not even her pill pushing high school guidance councilor/therapist Campbell (a fascinatingly out of place RON SILVER) can explain why after viewing the film, Mary has begun seeing it’s titular antagonist stalking about and has had every one of her own off-handed wishes come true with decidedly horrific results. SPLICED bites off a little more than it can chew for sure but its over the top histrionic heart, dubious dialogue (which seems almost AI generated) and film within a film references (THE WISHER movie is apparently sweeping the nation, a marquee shows it playing alongside HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION and it even has a convincing full page ad in the newspaper boasting its 4th smash week) make it pretty darn entertaining in my book.

I caught 1985’s THE DEADLY INTRUDER on VHS (Can't resist a Theon EMI clamshell case) many years ago but quickly wrote it off as yet another escaped mental patient picture (which it is) but something about its murky, late night vibe has always stuck with me. I even forgot the title but was able to track it down again having remembered that it featured Danny Bonaduce of THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY in a supporting role. Although this micro-budgeted semi-slasher is still muddy enough at points to make my mind wonder all over the place and subjects the viewer to a hysterical heroine who seems to have never learned how to run, it provides a groovy synth score, a nifty twist to deferential itself from the pack, and hopefully a small paycheck for a game but underused Stuart Whitman (Hooper's EATEN ALIVE). I would love to see this hidden oddity graduate to high definition some day but I gotta admit there’s something about its relentlessly dark, grainy, nearly indecipherable imagery that adds to its charm. Bonus points for one particularly vicious kill and a pretty decent stinger of a final image.

Fritz Lang’s SECRET BEYOND THE DOOR (1947) is a moody noir thriller and gothic romance that once it reveals its titular secret, may leave you wishing you’d revisited Hitchcock’s superior REBECCA instead. Don’t blame the great Joan Bennet (SUSPIRIA, DARK SHADOWS), she carries the whole affair on her back and it’s a pleasure to hear her distinctive voice even when she’s navigating through the tritest of dialogue. Bennet plays Celia, a navel gazing woman who marries a man she barely knows only to find out he is either a murderous psycho or just super grumpy and emotionally abusive. I mean, the guy doesn’t even bother to inform her that he has a son until poor Celia moves in with him! This is a beautifully shot black and white Universal film (that even reuses the exact foggy grove of trees featured in THE WOLF MAN to nice effect) with a decent paranoid set up and passable performances (GILLIGAN’S ISLAND’s lovey Howell Natalie Schafer steals a few scenes) but oh boy, the (non) payoff is a clunker and it’s very difficult to believe that there was any time period in which people would behave in the head-scratching way that the characters do here. Considering all that transpires, it's legit bonkers that the film insists on an "all's well that ends well" denouement.

I finally solved a “Name That Trauma” of my own recently. While finishing a flick on Tubi, it fortuitously suggested 2013’s SCARECROW to me as something I might be interested in next. I caught this movie on TV back in the day (apparently on the SyFy channel as it’s one of their originals) but forgot its title. All google attempts failed due to the fact that I wrongly remembered it starring Danielle Harris instead of Lacey Chabert (they do kinda resemble each other so I’ll give myself a break). I know that in most cases SyFy movies should be avoided at all costs but this one isn’t half bad and I think the fact that it stuck in my crawl for so many years says something. I do have a soft spot for the killer scarecrow sub-genre and I especially like that (the admittedly too generically titled) SCARECROW features a group of hapless people trapped in a farm house a la’ NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD with the fields around them becoming almost like shark infested waters. The scarecrow creature itself is more of a morphing root demon than any scarecrow I’ve ever seen but hey, all it really needs to be is an unpredictable threat and I’m on board. Sure it’s silly but the character dynamics are fun (there’s a love triangle and a requisite selfish saboteur) and the peck them off one by one, survival element works well. Lil’ Lacey even gets her chance to grab an axe and go relatively badass. Mostly I'm just relieved to finally find this needle in a killer scarecrow movie haystack and can’t wait to move on with my life.

I caught Gary Sherman’s brutal VICE SQUAD ('82) on late night HBO as a kid while staying at a friend’s house and it rocked my world. I love it’s grit, I love its sleazy LA setting and I especially love its beyond terrifying psycho antagonist Ramrod portrayed by the remarkable Wings Hauser (who incidentally also sings the film’s glorious theme song entitled “Neon Slime”). Not sure how a movie that features an OG MTV VJ (Nina Blackwood) being beaten to death with a clothes hanger has somehow almost become a comfort movie for me but here we are. I think it’s because it never fails to make me feel completely in danger even in my own home. It’s possible this flick permanently changed the wiring in my head all those years ago and I have to periodically watch it again to remember what it felt like to be that riveted.

I usually refrain from watching horror movies during the day but I was seeing such a frenzy of discourse concerning THE DELIVERANCE this past Labor Day that I had see what all the hubbub was about ASAP. Based on an alleged real haunting/possession, this soapy Lee Daniels anomaly doesn’t quite satisfy
but it sure is a hoot and a half to watch thanks to vibrant performances and its go for broke nature. Honestly, the less you take it seriously, the better off you’ll be. I’m assuming since it references VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, Blaine and Antoine, the “Hated it!” guys from IN LIVING COLOR, and features Colleen Camp as a doctor that its tongue is firmly planted in its cheek and high camp was an intended goal but I've heard otherwise from many. In any case, this is at least its own wacky beast and although it has trouble whipping up the scares due to its inconsistent tone, I’m always at least a little unnerved by the loss of personal control element innate to any possession film. The true mark of success for me will depend on exactly how many people I see dressed up as Glenn Close’s scene stealing character Alberta this Halloween. I’m guessing they’ll be legion.

I randomly came across THE TODD KILLINGS (’71) on DVD at my local used media shop recently and I’m so glad I did. Like Jack Ketchum’s THE LOST and Joyce Carol Oates' "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been" (the inspiration for 85's excellent SMOOTH TALK), it’s based on the crimes of Charles Schmid a young charismatic pied piper who somehow was able to entice his admirers into killing innocents for kicks. Underrated character actor Robert F. Lyons (DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW) plays Skipper Todd an amoral egoist who fancies himself a rock star, lives off his mother (DALLAS’ Barbara Bel Geddes ) and manipulates the impressionable until finally his cowardly crimes catch up to him. Early seventies California looks gorgeous throughout and I dig the Scooby Doo flavored fashions and the near constant rotation of recognizable stars of that era like THE WALTONS Richard Thomas as an easy mark for Skipper, and an underused Gloria Graham (BLOOD AND LACE) as his worried mom. FAMILY’s James Broderick (Mathew’s pop) is allotted a choice scene where he gets to read Skipper to his face and inform him how mundane his rebel without a clue edgelord tendencies are and that he is fundamentally as bourgeois as those he condemns. This one’s a real find for those enjoy seventies cinema, psychological thrillers or simply watching sociopath bullies get what’s coming to them!

I went to see A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE in the movie theater but right at the point when the creatures were attacking New York City there was a bomb threat and the entire audience had to be evacuated! So there I was, much like the characters in the movie running down stairs while sirens roared wondering if these were my last moments of life. Well, finally the movie hit streaming and I can see what I missed (the theater did give me a free pass in compensation but I figured I use it on something else). I might have to watch the first two movies again to verify this but at this point, even though I enjoyed them all, I’m actually thinking this latest entry is my favorite of the three. I really loved the amped up disaster movie vibe and delighted in watching people running for their lives as the world crumbled around them (from GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER to EARTHQUAKE to the simulated Cylon attack in GALACTICA 1980, I’ve been a sucker for catastrophe ever since I was a kid). The fact that this flick involves monsters ravaging a modern city and attacking people in broad daylight in droves something I (and many I'm sure) have always fantasized for the ALIEN franchise, makes it all the more awesome sauce. I also identified with the characters (Lupita Nyong’o’s terminally ill curmudgeon Sam, STRANGER THINGS’ Joseph Quinn's overwhelmed and vulnerable Eric and HEREDITARY’s Alex Wolf as not long for this world Rueben) much more as they were flawed relatable outsiders rather than some milquetoast family who probably badgered retail workers before society collapsed anyway. Also this film knew that to truly drive me up the wall insane it must include a cat in peril due to my every nightmare involving exactly that. Just seeing a person carrying a cat in the city (looking at you INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS) is enough to make my right leg start shaking like a jack hammer. Bring on DAY TWO.

I had exactly zero hope for BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE because somewhere along the line I had thrown in the towel in regards to Tim Burton as a director. It almost seemed like he was purposely destroying everything I enjoyed in life and gleefully stomping on my personal favorite things. How dare he take beloved works like PLANET OF THE APES, CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, ALICE IN WONDERLAND (the mere thought of the break-dancing mad Hatter scene in ALICE still makes me want to jump out a window) and DARK SHADOWS and turn them into intolerable tacky looking miasma mush? Burton has kicked me in the shins more times than I can count and as far as I was concerned his talent had tapped out long ago. But then I started hearing all this (equally shocked) positive word of mouth and noticed rave reviews popping up and wondered could it be? Had the storm of ugliness finally passed? I had to find out and find out I did and gosh darn it, I loved BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE. It’s like a dream come true to me. It builds off of the OG beautifully, enhances and broadens its world, is routinely funny and most miraculously, has the manic energy, weirdo style and wild enthusiasm of Burton’s early assured artistry. I’m so glad I kept an open mind and gave it a chance because the climax of this movie brought actual tears of euphoric joy to my eyes. Ya see, I really loved the first BEETLEJUICE (and its companion cartoon) but had retroactively forgotten how much so due to Burton's string of debacles and now I feel like something of great value has returned to me. Listen folks, if I can believe in Tim Burton again anything in this crazy world is possible. Never forget that.